Don't you ever wish you lived in Victorian times?
Minus the threat of the occasional killer disease and lack of George Foreman grills, life really wasn?t that bad. After all, northern people weren't discriminated as much; everyone wore fancy-looking frocks and spoke like Queen Victoria.
But what about Victorian entertainment? Nowadays we submerge ourselves in online gaming where we can melt JackBauer2453?s face off with a flamethrower in a futuristic alien-smashing game. In olden times, Victorian people used to visit the local freak show, purchase some peanuts and point at the local exhibits which frequently travelled the country. Children pointed in amazement at the bearded lady, and grandparents chortled at the man whose finger had fallen off. Fast forward to our apparently sophisticated times and we can all gawp and laugh at the entertainers on Britain’s Got Talent.
Instead of big rusty iron cages for people to showcase their talent, hopeful contestants are instead thrown onto an oversized stage, have lights thrust in their face and have to perform their stupid act before the biggest audience they've ever come across. Oddly, the hopefuls usually discover that their crap comedy act is more torturous then humorous to a crowd more hostile than a gaggle of woman lining up to buy discounted designer leggings from Topshop.
But it gets worse for someone like Derek, 78, from Dagenham. The gentle old man who can whistle out of his belly button might believe he’s entertaining but, realistically, it's for people who a) are under the age of seven, b) have a single-digit IQ, c) are forced to see him do it at family gatherings or d) drunks. After the performance, he then has to face the wrath of the judges.
Those judges are Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden. Now, we all know that Simon is mainly there to play the big moody twat who?ll quite happily tell a small child to piss off and laugh when someone?s well planned performance goes tits up. Then there's whipping boy Piers Morgan who desperately wants to be the lead judge but fails because nobody likes him. Perhaps he should stop being an arrogant cocky prick. To top it off, there's Amanda Holden. We can't call her ‘eye candy’. More like ‘the emotionless woman who just sits there and occasionally cries’.
Over the years, we've seen all sorts of acts pass through Britain’s Got Talent and for the fourth series, surely there can't be anything we haven't seen before. Ooh look, a man juggles something covered in barbed wire. A girl comes on with a sob story and then does something rubbish. Finally, a group comes on who want to make a better life for themselves. And then there are the frumpy mental Scottish ladies who can sing quite well despite the nation thinking that she plucks feathers out of chickens and eats them.
But it seems that Simon Cowell is slightly sick of actual people winning the competition. This series, it seems he wants to find a talented animal to beat a man on a unicycle in the final so he can make millions off it in various films. After all, animals don't have bank accounts; they?d just get paid in dog biscuits or kitty litter. The Press Association reports that Cowell said:
?I want to find the next Lassie. I would like a talented dog act to win.?
Putting it in simple terms, unless you have the ability to shit out baguettes with multiple fillings, you probably won't win Britain?s Got Talent. That's unless you're a lovely cuddly dog who could get through to the second round by chasing its own tail on stage.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
Ali says
CHECK OUT FLAWLESS, DIVERSITY N GEORGE IN THERE NEW MOVIE
http://twitter.com/StreetDanceFilm
http://www.facebook.com/streetdancefilm