Articles tagged with: 50 Cent
In the year or our Lord two thousand and two, hecklerspray got robbed. We were calmly walking down a picturesque cobble-stone walkway when we suddenly found ourselves handing two popsicles and a toaster strudel over to a nine-year-old with a fistful of corkscrews sticking out between his fingers. We meant her fingers. We were devastated, as that had been our lunch, and we silently swore that nobody should ever have to endure atrocity like that again. Since then no nine-year-old girls have been safe from our wrath. That’s because we bought a mask to secure our true identities, and several canoe paddles we carry around with us all the time. It’s all extremely intimidating but we’ll use ‘em if we have to – just try us little girl! We’ll knock your flower-patterned external retainer-wearing butt to kingdom come! 50 Cent’s been robbed too, you know. It makes us feel better, like we’re not quite so lonely in our victim-ness. His robbery may take a sizeable chunk out of his horrible thug cred, as it happened onstage in front of an entire African nation of what we assume are starving, poverty stricken people. And when you get robbed by a belly-bloated starving guy, and it gets filmed and posted on Youtube, well how can you face your friends again after something like that?
50 Cent has responded to Alicia Keys’ comments about Gangsta Rap being ‘a government ploy to convince black people to kill each other’ in the only way he knows how – via the art of inarticulate, meat-headed ramblings that miss the point entirely. Last week we reported that Alicia told Blender magazine the murders of 2Pac and Biggie were a government conspiracy, and that all Gangsta’ rappers are basically being taken for a ride - the idiots. Since then, Alicia Keys has issued a statement saying that her comments were "misrepresented", but Blender spokeswoman Kate Cafaro told the Associated Press on Tuesday that “We stand by our storyâ€. Upon reading this it appears 50 Cent’s brain started hurting. He told The Showbuzz: "I don't like Alicia Keys no more…the same reason why I said that I don't like Oprah Winfrey. I'm prejudice(d). I don't like people who don't like me."
US rapper Fat Joe, named so because he’s fat and called Joe, has insinuated that 50 Cent, named so because Curtis is a girl's name, is a little yellow-bellied attention-seeking agoraphobic chicken boy who he hates and yet – despite everything – is publicly willing to admit he’d like to make love with him. Morbidly obese Joe told Complex:
“He got shot by people who he knows and he doesn't do nothing about it. He gets criticised by people like Ja Rule, little Ja Rule, and he never even fought him one on one. He's going to come fuck with Fat Joe? Are you serious? He still don't leave his house. He's looking for attention, I'm gonna diss him.”
Up to this point it all seems like your run-of-the-mill, faux-gangster, PR-exercising threat, but then – all of a sudden – in a bizarre twist of affairs that just goes to show the complex nature of human sexuality, rotund gangster Joe said:
“I'm gonna tell him to suck my dick, everything you can think.”
If you ever wondered why Mary J Blige consistently beats you at 110m hurdle events, there's a chance that the answer may have appeared.
An Albany investigation into the sale of steroids and human growth hormones has thrown up thousands of names, including Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and Tyler Perry. Of course, Mary J Blige is denying the use of either steroids or HGH, but there's one fool-proof way to uncover the truth.
The testicles. If Mary J Blige is on steroids she'll have tiny testicles.
There are a number of things you could ask Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson for advice on.
How to endlessly babble on about that time you got shot, for instance. Or how to sell yourself to as many branding opportunities as possible, to the extent where every slightly dim teenager in the world is decked out in a pair of Fiddy-approved trainers and sipping on a can of Official 'Keeping It Real' Misogyny-Flavour Pepsi.
You wouldn't, however, go asking him any questions about the production of music. Unless, that is, you wanted your new album to sound like his: roughly the same as a slowed-down Geoff Boycott mumbling about bitches over a Casio keyboard 'polka' setting.
It seems like no-one told Lindsay Lohan this.
Well it’s been certified, we are officially a piece of chewing gum on the foot of his holiness that is 50 Cent.
We may as well pack in what we’re doing now and contemplate what we did wrong in life. You see, 50 Cent has declared himself to be better then everyone else. Yup, you may have once been the cool kid in the playground who got all the foil football stickers first but now that doesn’t matter. Back then you may have been the daddy, the big cheese, number one and the mutt’s nuts, but you really aren't because 50 Cent says that he's all those things himself in what's thought to be the world's first ever instance of a rapper getting ideas above his station.
