Like many people, we can only achieve climax from pornography if rap stars edit footage of themselves into it.
We should be more specific. We can only achieve climax from pornography if the edited rap star footage shows them wearing a purple fur coat and giant curly wig. And if they include a voiceover that involves them screeching incomprehensibly in a sort of weird high-pitched Skeletor voice during the actual pornography, then we’re basically in ejaculation city, baby.
Luckily, 50 Cent appears to have made that exact thing, for reasons that only he could explain. However, the woman in the sex tape has now sued 50 Cent for emotional distress. Which is weird, because now that we’ve seen 50 cent in a purple coat and a curly wig doing an indecipherable voiceover to a sex tape, we imagine we deserve quite a large lump sum as well.
Think of all the great hip-hop beefs of our time. Biggie Vs Tupac. Nas Vs Jay-Z.? Eminem Vs Vanilla Ice. They all followed more or less the same formula – Act One criticises Act Two in a song, then Act Two retaliates with a song of their own and it all continues until everyone is dead or, tragically, one of them does a song with Jedward. But 50 Cent doesn’t play by those rules. 50 Cent doesn’t have beefs. 50 Cent has entire cows. Entire herds of cows. Which would be OK, if only he was any good at them. But he’s not.
He really isn’t. Remember the beef that 50 Cent had with Kanye West, where he threatened to quit music forever if Kanye West outsold him? If you do, you’ll know that Kanye West ended up quite comprehensively outselling him. But that didn’t technically qualify as a 50 Cent beef, because at no point during it did 50 Cent slip into a purple fur coat and horrific Leo Sayer wig and narrate his way through a Kanye West sex tape in a voice so shrill and incoherent that you could be forgiven for confusing him with Tilikum the killer whale.
But that’s apparently what 50 Cent did during a recent feud with Rick Ross, who we haven’t heard of either. And now he’s being sued for it. Reuters explains:
A Florida woman has sued rapper 50 Cent for posting her sex tape online without her consent, which was widely seen as part of the singer’s feud with rival Rick Ross. Lastonia Leviston claimed she made the tape in June 2008 with a former boyfriend who sold it to 50 Cent. Leviston said 50 Cent then taped himself dressed in a wig and robe and edited himself into the video, adding his own narration before posting it on his website.
We don’t know what 50 Cent’s reaction to this lawsuit is, largely because every time we think about 50 Cent screeching on about boobies in a silly wig and purple coat we think we’re in the middle of some kind of unstoppable cheese nightmare and we start clawing at our face with our fingernails just to make sure we can even feel any more.
Also, the sex tape is still online but we’re not posting it. That’s not because we’re unsure of the legal consequences of doing so, or because we’re concerned about the emotional distress that it’d cause to the woman involved. No, instead we’re refusing to post it because it’s a video of 50 Cent done up like a pimp version of Rod Hull and shrieking about willies and we don’t want to cause your libido to wilt as much as ours just has.
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yanny says
He looks like him!
GB says
This is very common at these era.
bruno says
He’s 50 cent right? hmm. candy shop?
phoebe says
50cent look a like. I need to see this porn !
seacrest says
50 cent looks hot in the sex video
49 Cent says
He’s Damm Awesome!!!
red says
are you happy now 50 cent?
Sammy says
not so true!!!
salik says
banana
red says
apple
jam says
Shame on you!
jo says
cool
scott says
Take me to the candy shop, I wanna lick the lollipop :)
roger says
50 cent rocks!
Jig sawsaw says
Rap On! yow yow yow
http://www.topfreaks.com
jay says
you’re going down!