In days of old, we'd always assumed that Charlotte Church's wedding would include free jelly shots for all, water pistols filled with WKD for confetti and, in place of a vicar, a life-size naked ice statue of Tom Jones that constantly urinated moonshine.
But those days are long gone. Charlotte Church is now well and truly pregnant, making her far too dignified to get leathered on alcopops, scream abuse at her mother and fall over at her own wedding. Reports yesterday suggested that a more refined Charlotte Church was planning to get married to her rugby ladyboy boyfriend Gavin Henson next month in a fairytale Welsh castle wedding that would be the last word in restrained elegance. Turns out it was all bollocks, mind you.
Charlotte Church has had so many image makeovers in her short lifetime that we've actually lost count. To begin with, Charlotte Church was the jug-eared infant opera star who sang for some of the world's most important people and sold millions of albums. Then Charlotte Church rebelled, got a bit fat, took up chainsmoking and binge-drinking, got a pikey boyfriend, slagged off the important people she sang for and released godawful trance single The Opera Song, which you can't remember for a very good reason.
Then Charlotte Church released Crazy Chick, ditched the pikey for a preening sportsman, watched her pop album die a death, angrily slagged off the whole world enough to convince Channel 4 to give her a chatshow and then called her own chatshow rubbish.
And that's where we'd be today, if it weren't for Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson being a bit lax with the old contraception. Now Charlotte Church is pregnant, it means she'll have to make some lifestyle changes. Smoking is out – as is relentless binge-drinking – although sadly it looks like she'll still be making The Charlotte Church Show AKA Charlotte Church Tells A Succession Of Confused Celebrities About The Time She Met Bill Clinton. But most of all, it means Charlotte Church will have to marry Gavin Henson very quickly or else she'll immediately go straight to hell.
That seemed to be the gist of yesterday's news, anyway. Reports were rife that Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson were going to get married in secret next month at Castell Coch, a fairytale 19th century castle near Cardiff. But that's a crock of crap, as People reports:
Church, 21, on Monday denied tabloid reports that she is set to marry her rugby-star boyfriend Gavin Henson, 25, next month in a castle near her home in Cardiff, Wales. A rep for the singer tells PEOPLE: "This is definitely not true."
That's a shame, because we were sort of looking forward to dressing up as waiters and crashing Charlotte Church's wedding. But now that Charlotte Church's wedding plans have been denied it looks like we'll have to get our screaming red-eyed drunken tantrum kicks elsewhere – time to give Sian Lloyd a call, we think. Let's hope she's still bitter about that Cheeky Girl thing.