Charlotte Church: ‘My TV Show Is Rubbish’

Channel Four has rolled out a few belters in recent years, haven't they?

Fully grappling with its 'alternative' manifesto, it's treated us to such meisterworks as Balls Of Steel, The Friday Night Project, Dirty Tricks, Spoons, The Russell Brand Show, Blunder, The IT Crowd and 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

Oops - sorry. Did we refer to those programmes as 'belters'? And 'meisterworks'? Sorry - we actually meant to say 'shows so unbelievably appalling that you'd probably find more entertainment value in thrusting a rusty pickaxe through the roof of your mouth and clawing out the contents of your own skull.'

Worst of the lot, however - yes, even worse than Justin Lee Collins and that bloke with glasses twatting about for 40 godforsaken minutes - is The Charlotte Church Show.

Make no mistake. Charlotte Church's gogglebox debut is the lowest of the low, the crowning turd in the punch bowl, the abysmal televisual dregs found only when the bottom of the barrel has been splintered through and we're all on a merry voyage to the centre of the Earth.

So unremittingly awful is the show that young Charlotte Church herself - a gurning, screeching chain-smoking dullard of a 'personality' - has voiced her doubts. She has described early episodes of the series as being "unprofessional" and "not quite right" - an understatement on a par with labelling John Wayne Gacy as "a bit of a rotter."

Charlotte babbled:

"When the first show went out, I was really proud. But now I can see I looked a bit unprofessional and some bits weren't quite right. I'm quite harsh with myself in that respect, mainly because I don't like watching myself. I always think: 'You idiot, what are you doing? What are you making that face for? But I think I definitely got better."

"Definitely got better?" You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. You keep grinning vacantly to camera every Friday night as something inside of you - some vague hint of intelligence or cultural standards tucked away in the sepulchral vaults of your mind - shrivels up and dies in the knowledge that you're thrusting half-an-hour of utterly irredeemable horseshit out into the world every Friday.

Meanwhile? We'll be in the spare room. Digging out those Brass Eye DVDs.

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Church Slams Own TV Show - Breakingnews