It’s easy to forget why Charlotte Church is famous.
Recently, the Welsh songbird had her phone stolen and nude pictures of her were sent around the whole world.
And a few days ago, she was pictured in newspapers – again – more drunk than Shane McGowen after drinking the liquidised remains of Oliver Reed, banging her head on a car door after a boozy night out in London.
If an alien came to Earth today and saw the attention Church was getting, it’d no doubt say "But she’s just the same as all the other shrieking pikey hen-night arseholes who get drunk every weekend. What’s so special about this one?"
When she was 13 years old, Charlotte recorded an album called ‘Voice Of An Angel’, where she showcased her unnaturally mature opera voice. It sold millions of copies, and made her a fresh-faced favourite of middle England and middle America.
Obviously, if she recorded the same thing now, the CD would be called ‘Voice Of An Angel, Big Red Scary Eyes Of A Tramp’.
So, after recording a few more classical albums along the same lines, Church decided enough was enough. She wasn’t a girl anymore. She was a young woman, and she wanted to make music that reflected that. So she set to making a pop album.
Her last album, ‘Enchantment’ was recorded in 2001. That’s four years since she recorded anything. The same gap as The Stone Roses had between releases, and look what happened to them.
She released one single in that time, the godawful ‘Opera Song’. If you can’t remember it, dig out one of those old trance compilations your idiot younger brother probably has and listen to it. Then record the noise of a baby having a fight with a feral cat and play that over the top.
It was so bad it probably gets played to detainees at Guantanamo Bay when outright violence doesn’t have them cowering with fear.
There have been reports that making her new album was a problematic affair. She was apparently putting finishing touches to it as long as a year ago. But now, with the help of Guy Chambers, it’s ready for release.
Her album is likely to have the title of ‘Tissues And Issues’, which sounds to hecklerspray like it’s about masturbation. We really, really hope it’s not.
The first single, called ‘Crazy Chick’ is out on June 27th.
Her huge profile in America means that she’ll most likely sell millions of copies, so it doesn’t matter how nasty people are her.
Which is just as well, really.
Click here for all your Charlotte Church needs
[story by Stuart Heritage]