Now that Paris Hilton is free again in a world where serial cluelessness is rewarded with a long-running TV show and not a vicious beating in the showers by a gang of stocky shoplifters, questions are starting to be asked.
No, not the sort of softball questions that Larry King is going to be asking Paris Hilton later today on his show – questions that will nevertheless make Paris Hilton cry enough on TV for us to mention it ourselves – we're talking about questions like 'why on earth did that Sheriff let Paris Hilton out of jail after a couple of days?'. But the sheriff in question, Lee Baca, is already on the offensive, claiming that Paris Hilton was originally released from jail early because he thought Paris was going to kill herself. Because she wasn't eating. That's not a suicide attempt, you dummy, that's Paris Hilton becoming intimidated into immobility by the sight of cutlery – the most technologically complicated objects that Paris Hilton has ever seen in her short life.
Although Paris Hilton has been out of jail for a whole day now, and is still coming to terms with the brave new world where she hasn't got a talent agency but God is keen to represent her and pillows are the new best thing in her life and she's famous for being in jail rather than having it off with men on the internet, life goes on around her.
While the world eagerly awaits Paris Hilton's Larry King interview later today – possibly holding office sweepstakes to see how long it is before the memory of all those shitting women makes her cry – the Los Angeles County Board Of Supervisors is trying to work out why such a mess was made of Paris Hilton's jail sentence. Let's not forget that Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail, which was then quickly chopped down to 23 days in a lovely jail. But even then Paris Hilton ended up getting released from jail after a matter of days.
But the fallout to Paris Hilton's early jail release was so great that not only was Paris thrown back in jail until her eventual release yesterday, but now the Board Of Supervisors is attempting to discover why Sheriff Lee Baca released Paris Hilton so early, not least because of the flood of angry responses bemoaning the preferential treatment handed out to celebrities. And, before he was questioned by the board, Lee Baca explained himself to TMZ:
Sheriff Lee Baca revealed that he reassigned Paris Hilton to house arrest because he feared her life was "definitely in danger." Baca said, "When people are not functioning normally, they're not eating normally, they don't have a sense balance in their lives, god only knows what could happen." He added, "We've had plenty of people die in the county jail system, not because of anything we did, but because we didn't understand the medical problem."
So Sheriff Lee Baca says Paris Hilton's life wasn't in danger because of all the death threats she apparently got but because she wasn't really eating properly. In that case let's hope that Nicole Richie doesn't go to jail next month, because she eats so rarely that she'll be released after about 45 seconds by our calculations.
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Viking Lumberjack says
What a cop out – pun not intended. I worked on a case reviewing prison reports, and people definitely do not get let off for not eating or for assorted medical problems.
If a person is suicidal, you put them on suicide watch, generally after pepper spraying them and sticking their ass in a restraint chair after “escorting them to the ground with a close-palmed stun technique”. They genuinely use this kind of language as a translation for “I punched the bitchy princess so hard she fell over”.
In other words, if an inmate is exhibiting suicidal tendencies or has medical issues, you don’t tell them what a great person they are and absolve them of their crimes.
Regardless of all this, did anyone find it odd that despite the anal herpes, she didn’t look that bad for once when she was released? No makeup, and a real smile instead of that stupid fucking sideways pose she does every time a camera is on her to hide her screwy eye?
James says
I heard that someone hit Paris with a pie. Is there any video of Paris with pie on her face? That would be pretty funny (and well-deserved!).