So Dannii Minogue is the new X Factor judge – and we can't wait to see Dannii pass on the valuable knowledge she gained in the field of slapping her tits out for lad's mags in the mistaken hope that it'll help her sell any records.
Dannii Minogue? X Factor? Dannii seems like a strange choice to us, since we thought the point of X Factor was getting people number one records. Simon Cowell is responsible for number one records. Sharon Osbourne is responsible for number one records. Even Louis Walsh was responsible for his fair share. But Dannii Minogue? She's responsible for horribly-staged lesbian romps in strip clubs that can't even help to push her singles anywhere past the outer fringes of the top 20. Maybe though, just maybe, Dannii Minogue was given the X Factor judging spot because producers could convince her sister – the infinitely more successful Kylie Minogue – to make a couple of appearances. We're just thinking out loud here.
Forget what Jarvis Cocker thinks – the new series of X Factor is on its way, ready to pummel you over the head with month after month of attention-seeking arseholes bawling out a procession of dead-souled cover versions of songs you never really liked anyway. And we can't wait, especially since Shayne Ward and Leona Lewis became such global, billion-selling megastars after they won X Factor. Ahem.
But, as you'll all be aware, this series of X Factor is all change. Kate Thornton's been sacked as X Factor host and replaced with Dermot O'Leary, which is a bit like replacing a drab filing cabinet with another drab filing cabinet that doesn't wear so many horrible dresses. Also, Brian Friedman from Grease Is The Word has been installed as an additional X Factor judge, who'll no doubt be schooling this year's hopefuls in how to wear clothes that make you look like the gayest person in the universe. But the biggest news is that fey, bland platitude-spewing X Factor judge Louis Walsh has been replaced by Dannii Minogue. Yes, the same Dannii Minogue who thinks that she's prettier than you and had a toe-curling 'romp' with a lesbian stripper that was 'secretly' caught on CCTV and 'mysteriously' leaked to a Sunday newspaper right before Dannii Minogue's Greatest Hits came out and only got to number 17 anyway.
What does Dannii Minogue know about being successful in the music industry? Well she's got a famous sister, we suppose. And it just so happens that, now Dannii Minogue is an X Factor judge, Kylie Minogue might be pushed into making an X Factor appearance of her own, as The Mirror reports:
The contestants will get one-on-one sessions with Kylie, 39, who will teach them to sing one of her hits – which include I Should Be So Lucky. A show insider said: "Dannii knew Kylie would be perfect as a coach for the show. She's a superstar and it's a chance in a lifetime for the contestants to learn from such a pro." The new series of the ITV1 series hits our screens in August and "Kylie Week" will feature near the end of autumn.
Kylie Week will mark the full-blooded return of Kylie Minogue after the upsets of her love split with Olivier Martinez and her battle with breast cancer, plus it'll stop her writing any more twat-headed children's books, so we're all for it. After an appearance on a show as widely-watched as X Factor, Kylie will be back in the big league with a vengeance.
But all this attention on Kylie Minogue is bound to annoy Dannii Minogue somewhat. After spending decades in Kylie's shadow, getting the job as an X Factor judge was supposed to be Dannii's big chance to step into the limelight for herself, and now Kylie's gone and ruined all that as well. Hopefully the X Factor producers will see sense and balance things up with a Dannii Week, where Dannii Minogue can teach the contestants how to sing… um… you know… some of the songs that she's famous for. Like, um, that one about doing herself with a vibrator. And stuff.