Leona Lewis won X Factor on Saturday, just like everyone knew she would from the first time she opened her mouth, belted out a generic power ballad, burst into tears and squeaked out a handful of personality-devoid platitudes to Kate Thornton.
When Leona Lewis won X Factor, one of three main responses was prompted from the people watching at home. 1) "Thank God for that, at least that swivel-eyed twerp who looks like a demonic ventriloquist's dummy didn't win," 2) "O No I Luvvvvvvv Ray Ur So gawjus Babe UR F2F Lol!!!!!!1!!!!1!!" or 3) "Did I really waste two and a half fucking hours of my precious life actually watching this shit? I feel so… so dirty." Do you really need to ask which of these three responses we were going through as Leona Lewis stammered and sobbed her way to X Factor victory on Saturday? Do you? Really?
The final of X Factor means different things to different people. For Kate Thornton it's an excuse to put on a horrible dress and constantly tell the audience that the X Factor final is The! Most! Important! Piece! Of! Television! Ever! and not just the end of a vastly empty pikey-friendly TV show; for Simon Cowell it's a chance to put a down-payment on yet another private manmade island off the coast of Dubai; for last year's X Factor winner Shayne Ward it's a timely reminder that the Urmston branch of TK Maxx is looking for a new Saturday boy; and for the rest of us… well, we can look back and wonder what the hell that was all about, can't we?
After what seemed like months of shovelling through the waves of borderline-disabled hopefuls honking through the X Factor audition process, the boring bootcamp episodes and the interminable X Factor live shows, Saturday saw young Ray Quinn – a permanently-grinning little tosser who seemed to have studied DVDs of The Most Terrifying-Ever Faces That Hitler Pulled During Nazi Rallies for expressions to use during his performances – against Leona Lewis in the X Factor final.
And, as Kate Thornton pointed out, it was a night of surprises. For example, we were surprised that, when Westlife staggered onstage to duet with Ray Quinn and change the words of That's Life from "that's life" to "Westlife!", we restrained ourselves from headbutting our TV until we blissfully slumped to the floor in a haze of gore-soaked unconsciousness. We were surprised that the performance by Shaky Crying Boy from the X Factor auditions didn't climax with him rocking backwards and forwards on the floor shrieking in a puddle of his own urine, and we were surprised when the X Factor final itself seemed to stretch on for so long that we actually began to question the traditional notions of time.
But, as you all know, constant favourite Leona Lewis emerged triumphant at the end of Saturday night, and Leona really did earn the title of X Factor winner, not least because she had to put up with Gary Barlow almost elbowing her out of the way to hog the middle of the stage during their duet of Million Love Songs.
Leona Lewis is the David Beckham of music – superb at set-pieces, less good at running around and terrible at stringing even basic sentences together. But despite all this, Leona Lewis won X Factor, and now the perks of X Factor stardom are right there for Leona Lewis to cling on to – one gigantic-selling, instantly forgettable Christmas number one that worryingly sounds like it should be used on an advert for holidays to Disneyland, a slightly less successful second single, an album full of cover versions that nobody buys and her old receptionist job back in the middle of 2008. Oh, of course not – as everyone said on Saturday, Leona Lewis has what it takes to become a superstar diva of epic proportions. Leona Lewis has what it takes to challenge Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. Leona Lewis will be the biggest singer to emerge from Great Britain since the dawn of time. Just like Shayne Ward really is the new Justin Timberlake like everyone said last year.
Still, same time next year?
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Pedro says
Once again, these updates have been the best thing about the series. Bravo chaps
louie says
wat is wrong wiv this website?? ur all so critasizin about everthing.
Stephen says
Hahaha brilliant!!!! Why isn’t it you people who are writing our newspapers! XD
hannah says
aww i loved ray! leona’s voice is a little over estimated as she can’t sing low notes – stu you seemed to have sat through it all so it couldn’t have been that bad!? (although i’d agree it went on for much too long and westlife make me want to puke)
dale says
So negative!!! Dont like it? DONT WATCH IT!!!!
me says
you sick and sad people……………..is this all you have to show for your lives, slagging off and down grading a person with more talent in thier finger nails than you will ever hope to achieve !! you should be ashamed. may be tou’re just down right jealous !!!!
Peter says
Agree with Pedro. Shane who? What happened to him? Who cares? Poor Leona – let’s happy she has enough savvy to work out who is in control of this merry-go-round. The auditions are a laugh-a-minute, but from then on it’s just rubbish. So, when does the next round of auditions start? I really hope that by then I will have something better to do with my time!
alice says
LEONA – HERE TODAY AND GONE TOMORROW. Who cares? Simon Cowell says he is going to make her big in America! Apparently a 5 million deal is on the cards. At least that gets her out of our hair and off these shores. At lease she is a change from Jamelia (WHO) and the ever in our faces Girls Aloud. Can’t somebody get that lot a deal in America and off our TV screens? At least I am thankful for the off switch. I seem to remember Simon Cowell was going to make Shayne Ward (WHO)? big in America. Perhaps that is where he is as he doesn’t seem to be visible here. I know, he is with Steve Brookstein, both going nowhere.
charlotte mccarthy says
yes ray was miles better and should have won. lets hope leona is soon forgotten. anyway the second places usually do better. look at g4 and journey south.
michelle proctor says
i think ray should have won the xfactor cos he is a great singer and really cute
angela says
why all the insults? is it because she is black? so what if she is forgotten by next year? at least let her enjoy now. don’t hate, appreciate!!!!!!! and charlotte andy was second not journey south or have you forgotten because he’s black? i am really saddend by this
Jeremy says
Fuck me, is that even a serious comment you stupid twat?
wahaha says
Here’s the vid of Xtina and Leona back to back singin’ LM
——————————————————————————–
Let’s see what happens!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rz_UgOBj18
Mazzie says
“Leona Lewis has what it takes to become a superstar diva of epic proportions. Leona Lewis has what it takes to challenge Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. Leona Lewis will be the biggest singer to emerge from Great Britain since the dawn of time. Just like Shayne Ward really is the new Justin Timberlake like everyone said last year.”
YES but thats all shane got wasnt it? People mereley saying that dream may come true..for Leona the level of fame is actually starting to happen!
SHANE WARD did NOT get 2 major American Music labels fighting over him before he even won the competition did he?
Shane Ward did NOT get a steady rising worldwide internet fanbase did he?
Shane ward did NOT get offered 10 times the amount any American Idol contestant got from J records in America did he?
Shane ward didnt get a lot of care taken over his first album did he?
LEONA DID and IS^^^^ THAT is where she is different. Simon and Clive Davis (whitneys manager, J records) are taking FAR too much care over her for her to simply fade out..She’s different..Shane ward was NEVER on the same level as Leona Lewis….EVER.
Mazzie says
Also there’s a LOT more to Ms Leona Lewis than you ignorant twats give her credit for, her past reveals all…you are judging her WAY WAY WAAAAYY too soon. An early warning mates! You might as well save yourselves the embarrassment of having EGG all over your faces RIGHT NOW before you genuinely start to believe she’s not capable of getting anywhere..
Once you see all of what Ms Lewis is truly capable of (MORE than just singing) …you will probably be the first in line to say “I always knew she would be big!”.. Leona’s basically ALREADY GOT ALL that is needed to be a successful artist in the industry! So trust me now when I say this..SIT BACK AND PREPARE to have EGG all over ya IGNORANT faces.
Adam Gade says
What you hopelessly clingy fanatics seem to forget, whilst chastising hecklerspray- a critical entertainment blog, is that these “demi-gods” are a dime a dozen and you should be thanking these fine writers for acting as a counter to all the tripe that Ray loving commentors seem to get shoveled into their minds on an hourly basis.
chanin-anezina says
She a type of music taste that england and the cluture need you can actually hear here voice and understand the word’s she is saying.
There is nothing bad to say about leona lewis(she is the best vocal ever)
http://www.-leona-lewis-.piczo.com
Jack says
I’m gonna tell all his friends on myspace, then you’re in for it!
keren kelly says
oh my god shane ward is sooooooooooo hot every single girl in my class loves him!!!!!!!!!
Clare says
Where is she now???
Shayne is by far the best winner ever to come out of xfactor!
Dex says
Don’t suppose the author of this shit will every be famous so that we can nail him to a cross and whip his ass for subjecting us to his constant ridicule and bullshiting of others far more talented than he can ever dream. Keep taking the pills little boy.
beth says
what r use lot on bout Leona is ausome she is way betta than Ray.
amber says
leona put all her sole into this and she won the xfactor im glad that she won it because when she went into the audition room i new that she would win so all you lot who think that she is bad then step back and watch how good she is.
Dee says
Wow. Maybe you would have been better off headbutting your TV instead of watching the whole thing and then nagging about it. It was really draining to read your article.
Don’t be scared to admit why you still watched it all. There must be a reason. A downpayment for some real estate? Whatever it is you want to afford with these cynical ideas of yours, in the end, you may discover that it is just as annoying as everything else around you.
Good luck
Akex says
Yeah reality TV can be annoying, but Leona Lewis is now going becoming a huge star in the US, which no X-factor has done…ever! So I guess you might want to say a big “I was wrong!” down =)
bob says
Although I never was a fan of x factor I have found it quite amusing reading this with hindsight, funny how things turn out.
Im surprised you guts haven’t removed this article, it makes you look like tits…
Mike says
Funniest bit of literature i’ve read for ages good shit but Leona is good, ya gotta give her that : )