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On Saturday night, the impossible happened. Something that simultaneously blew our minds and changed the face of British popular culture forever – Darren Gough won Strictly Come Dancing. Seriously, what’s that about?

But that wasn’t the big news – the realistic best that Darren Gough can expect from winning Strictly Come Dancing will be to get a job as Third Man From The Left in a touring version of Guys And Dolls – everyone is more concerned with Shayne Ward, the winner of X Factor.

Shayne Ward winning X Factor would have been a valid case for a news story, if only every single person who had ever watched X Factor didn’t know that Shayne would win from the very start of the series.

Usually at this point we’d give you some X Factor betting odds but now that X Factor is over, we’ve nothing to give you. But – to save you screaming and crying and shaking like those babies born addicted to heroin – we’re letting you down easy with some entirely made up X Factor betting odds…

Odds that – despite being sung over and over again all the time on
Saturday’s X Factor – not a single person can remember what That’s My
Goal actually sounds like – 2/1

Odds that the version of My Way that the X Factor rejects sang on
Saturday would probably sell more copies of That’s My Goal if it was
also released on Wednesday – 3/1

Odds that Simon Cowell will go topless next season after realising
that he can’t be bothered to even fasten the two shirt buttons that he
sported on Saturday’s X Factor - 6/1

Odds that Andy Abraham will shortly be admitted to hospital for RSI
brought on by his constant ‘open hand/clenched fist/open hand’ singing
style – 5/1

Odds that the next request that Journey South are given will be "Big Mac extra value meal please." – 4-1

Odds that by this time next year, the only X Factor contestant that anyone will still be talking about is Chico – 8/1

Odds that Simon Cowell’s teeth will soon become so bright that
anyone who looks at them will instantly be turned into stone - 6/1

Odds that Shayne Ward’s family will go out on a fighty, rapey rampage to celebrate his X Factor success – 9/1

Odds that, at some point during the next season of X Factor, Kate
Thornton will look at least vaguely competent, if only for a single
fleeting second – 23/1

Odds that, in the future, Shayne Ward will talk about That’s My Goal
in a slightly embarrassed way, complain that That’s My Goal wasn’t
really his style of song, avoid singing That’s My Goal in his concerts
and secretly resent ever singing the bleeding song in the first place -
Evens

Why not listen to That’s My Goal on a brilliant new mp3 player from kelkoo.co.uk?

[story by Stuart Heritage]