Kylie Minogue's fans and Kylie Minogue's ex-boyfriend have a lot in common – both have stuck by Kylie through thick and thin – but if you make Kylie Minogue choose between her fans and Olivier Martinez, there's only one way she's going to fall.
And that's on the side of Olivier Martinez, losers. Kylie Minogue is appalled at the treatment that Olivier has received at the hands of her fans since the couple announced their split last week, and she's decided to lash out at those fans in the most ferocious, blazing display of red-raw emotion that she has ever summoned up – that's right, Kylie Minogue has jotted down a cheerily polite note about it on her website.
Cancer has changed Kylie Minogue. Before she was diagnosed with breast cancer, Kylie was the sort of woman who'd think nothing of writhing around in a bikini to sell records, but now she leaves that sort of unconvincing sexiness to Dannii – because now Kylie Minogue is a woman of substance. The kind of woman who'll jump on an elephant first and ask questions later, or write a book for kids like Madonna did but not quite as successfully.
Now that she's beaten cancer Kylie Minogue is so determined to get her career back to fighting fitness that literally nothing but a slight sore throat can stop her. She's been named as the best dressed woman in the world – so much so that her clothes now live in a museum – and she'll be damned if a whispering campaign against her ex-boyfriend is going to undermine that so she's taken to the internet.
Just as celebrities have used the internet in the past to announce marriages, discuss their toilet smells or apologise profusely for their own vaginas, Kylie Minogue has used her official website to order her fans to lay off Olivier Martinez, the man who she recently split up with because everyone thought he was doing it with Penelope Cruz. Kylie says this:
I have loved sharing the recent V&A opening with you and hope you will all enjoy taking a closer look at the many items on display.
As for the treatment Olivier has received of late, I can only reiterate that he simply does not deserve the kind of harassment or vitriol to which he has been subjected. For someone whom I have enormous love and respect, and communicate with, it is so grossly unfair: to demonize an honest man. I would ask of you, my fans, to show your support for both Olli and myself as a separation is never easy.
Love Kylie x
Consider yourselves warned, Kylie fans – one more bad word about Olivier Martinez from you, and Kylie won't be held responsible for her actions. Maybe next time her hardline warning will come accompanied by an angry-face emoticon, and nobody wants that.