There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more.
Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.
That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.
We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.
Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.
Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:
This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”
See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”
We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?
Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?
Shooty* says
Awesome.
But couldn’t La lohan have picked, like, Penelope Cruz or Gwen Stefani or something?