Some things in life have an inescapably thumping inevitability about them, like death and Kevin Federline making good on his promise to actually become a proper rapper.
The Teen Choice Awards took place at the weekend, and all the usual teen awards shenanigans – like Orlando Bloom being voted Dreamiest Underdeveloped Divboy or whatever – were completely overshadowed by the unveiling of Kevin Federline's brand new rap career as he performed his new single Lose Control in front of a delirious teen audience. Worse still, the reviews that Kevin Federline got weren't all as uniformly terrible as we were kind of hoping they would be.
Right from the outset, most people seemed certain that Kevin Federline's rap career would be a failure; the ingredients were all there – the leaked internet track Y'All Ain't Ready received all kinds of attention for the way Kevin amusingly referred to the paparazzi as 'Pavarottis' and the reports that even Kevin Federline's own wife Britney Spears couldn't help but take the piss out of it. And most recently the news that Kevin Federline had to start up his own record company to release his album only reinforced the notion that Kevin Federline was the most inept rapper since Spiral out of Big Brother.
At this point, most people would have thought "OK, I get the message, I quit," and returned to live quietly in his wife's gigantic house to grumble about marriage, but not Kevin Federline. At the Teen Choice Awards this weekend, Kevin Federline debuted his new single Lose Control. Onstage. In front of actual people. Of course, it probably helped that he was introduced by a heavily pregnant Britney Spears who stopped telling everyone that her new baby was an accident to inform the crowd:
"This show has been very good to me and my career over the years. And I'm hoping that it will be as good to our next performer."
And then Kevin Federline bounded out onstage, apparently surrounded by young dancers – obviously a trick nicked of Chico from X Factor – to perform Lose Control. And, surprisingly, this is how ABC news reported the performance:
It wasn't genius, but it wasn't half bad either.
However, Kevin Federline semi-impressing a crowd of children wasn't the only thing to happen at the Teen Choice Awards. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock won the kissing award, and the teens of America voted Reese Witherspoon best actress for her role in the film about the singing heroin addict cowboy. Playboy hater Jessica Alba was voted as the Teen Choice hottie and recent divorcees Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were brought back together when Nick won an award for the song about his break-up with Jessica Simpson, the Teen Choice Awards presenter. And how did Nick Lachey show his maturity at this difficult time? By saying:
"I just want to start off by saying, awkward, a little bit."
But the Teen Choice Awards belonged to Kevin Federline, who managed to show the world that he is a real rapper after all. Still, if we find out that any of you have bought the Kevin Federline album Playing With Fire, we'll cut your hands off.
UPDATE – Crisis over: Gawker has a video of Kevin Federline's performance and it looks like ABC was wrong. Kevin Federline was fucking dreadful.
[story by Stuart Heritage]