When Lindsay Lohan was arrested a week after leaving rehab for driving like a drunken idiot with a load of cocaine in her pocket, you probably presumed that Lindsay Lohan was a little bit on the guilty side, admit it.
Well think again, suckers. Even though Lindsay Lohan was arrested on Tuesday morning for driving erratically, failing a police sobriety test and having a load of cocaine in her pocket, Lindsay Lohan is innocent. We know that Lindsay Lohan is innocent because Lindsay Lohan said that Lindsay Lohan is innocent in a badly-punctuated Blackberry email to someone who works for Access Hollywood. And, even though there's overwhelming evidence to the contrary, look at Lindsay Lohan's face. How could you not trust that cute iddle-biddle face? Admittedly Lindsay Lohan has lied in the past, about everything from the nature of her addictions to the quality of any of her films, but still. Look at her cutesy-wutesy iddle-biddle face.
We all know how useless Lindsay Lohan is when you put her into a car – if she isn't smashing into vans she's getting rammed from behind by the paparazzi or driving into a shrub on drugs – but really, shouldn't someone lock Lindsay Lohan up for prolonged negligent use of her own brain? In her time Lindsay Lohan has claimed Al Gore will help her banish the world of celebrity photographers, and that she only went to rehab because it was nice and quiet there. And that she wanted to go and shoot a bunch or Iraqis. And she said that all strippers were "cunts."
But that's just small fry – all Lindsay Lohan was doing was exercising her right as a celebrity to say and endless stream of meaningless shit and expect people to care about it – especially when you compare it to the trouble that Lindsay Lohan's in now.
You know what trouble we're talking about – on Tuesday morning, a week after she left rehab and days after she was formally charged for her last crash, it emerged that Lindsay Lohan had been arrested for DUI again, this time with a load of cocaine in her pocket. And now, while the world speculates about how long Lindsay Lohan will go to jail for, Lindsay Lohan has decided not to keep a dignified silence about the arrest until the media storm has died down. In fact, Lindsay Lohan decided to email Billy Bush from Access Hollywood directly to say that the whole thing about her getting stopped by the police, failing a sobriety test, having an illegally high blood-alcohol level and keeping cocaine in her pocket was all just a big misunderstanding. Access Hollywood reports:
When Billy e-mailed Lohan asking if everything was OK and if there was anything she wanted him to get out there for her, she responded, "Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."
We can't be the only ones who can spot inconsistencies in Lindsay Lohan's account here, can we? OK, we'll admit that it's entirely possible that the drugs Lindsay Lohan was carrying in her pocket didn't belong to her. And who's to say that Lindsay Lohan wasn't almost hit my her assistant Tarin's mother? And, yes, maybe it could even be said that, until a court has determined otherwise, Lindsay Lohan may be completely innocent.
But everyone respecting Lindsay Lohan's privacy? What a crock. That girl's a liar. An effing liar.