Lindsay Lohan can act the buffoon, but it's not her fault – it's Al Gore's.
That's right, Albert T. Gore (middle initial liberties taken) is captain of the good ship Lohan. He's the puppet master pulling her strings, he's the primary director of her life-long play. It's under his tutelage that Lindsay Lohan went and put that 'breath' tattoo on her wrist, and it's under his direction she sliced herself open at Brian Adam's shattered tea-cup covered estate.
Yes, Gore is the Gandolf to Lohan's Luke Skywalker, he's the… wait a sec. This just in – Al Gore's actually never had anything to do with Lindsay Lohan, and he's spit-fire pissed that Lindsay Lohan's been going around gabbing about how he offered to clean up her image.
Spit-fire pissed we tell you!
As the New York Post put it, Lindsay Lohan has been spouting on about how Al Gore is gonna clean up her image through green house emissions and refreezing something ridiculous and unnecessary called an 'ice cap'. Well, the Lohan makeover was something like that anyway. Lady Lohan's exact quote on the matter is:
"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me."
Now the exact type of help is far from clear based on that statement. Popular assumption is that the 'help' would come in the form of an image overhaul. hecklerspray thinks the help would have been more signing her up as Obama's '08 running mate.
Whatever the help, Gore's office sure doesn't like the Lohan-link. They screamed with veins bulging:
"I can confirm for you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week. There were hundreds of other guests."
Sure, that might not sound as angry as we implied, but imagine it with exclamation points and stuff – see how mad that looks? But Al Gore needn't dirty his hands to help Lindsay Lohan clean up. We've got some suggestions for the doling. For starters, she should try maybe switching races. Asians are a very clean and respected people, and often have fun little calendars all their own. She should start there. Second, Lindsay should have a handful of lazy-eye zingers for if she ever has another unfortunate Paris Hilton encounter. Something like "Whoa, that pupil must be way heavier than your other one," should do just fine. Thirdly, adopt something. A baby may work, but goats eat garbage.
Think about those economics for a second.