A wise person once told us "It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins." OK, not so much a wise person as a drunk tramp sitting in a puddle of his own fluid at a bus stop when we were six years old, but the point still stands.
And at the moment it looks like the government that America will get next year will be headed by Barack Obama – the coke-snortin’, fag-smoking Democrat hopeful – because literally everyone famous that you’ve ever heard of is throwing money at Barack Obama like it’s going out of fashion. At a posh fundraiser for Barack Obama, stars like Eddie Murphy and Steven Spielberg all chipped in to raise more than a million dollars for his presidential campaign, possibly in return for better tax breaks for movies about black actors dressed up as fat elderly women.
Here at hecklerspray we’ve never really much concerned ourselves with politics, partly because it’s easier to make jokes about Britney Spears going loopy-doo and partly because we’ve seen what gigantic crashing dunderheads famous people turn into when they try and talk about politics – yes Alec Baldwin, 50 Cent, Flea and Pink, we mean you. And also when we do try to talk about anything vaguely political, like in yesterday’s JFK film article we end up sounding so vastly under-researched that we have to spend 20 minutes banging our heads on our desks just to ease the shame. And, oh yeah, politics is rubbish.
But politics won’t be rubbish for much longer, because next year Barack Obama is going to be president of America. And when he gets to the White House, Barack Obama is going to do loads of good stuff and no bad stuff and everyone will be happy forever – and that’s a guarantee. Barack Obama is only one of a handful of hopefuls in the running to become the next president – along with Bill Clinton‘s wife, the 9/11 guy, Lindsay Lohan’s mate and some dude with Diabetes – but he’s already got a headstart since he’s cornered the lucrative Hollywood market, as BBC News reports:
A host of Hollywood celebrities have donated $1.3m (£664,000) to Democrat Barack Obama’s presidential campaign at a lavish fund-raiser in Los Angeles. Film producer Steven Spielberg, actor Eddie Murphy and singer Jackson Browne were among those at the event… The event, at a Beverly Hills hotel, was organised by Spielberg and his Dreamworks studio co-founders Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. Mr Obama – one of six Democratic party hopefuls – told the audience they had "enormous power" that comes with "enormous responsibility" because of their impact on American culture. "Don’t sell yourselves short," he said. "You are the storytellers of our age."
The storytellers of our age. Yeah, we guess that dressing up as a bear and punching girls in the face is up there with inventors of world-changing technologies and people who stop other people dying of horrific illnesses. Really, Barack Obama should have spent the fundraiser yelling at Steven Spielberg about getting a proper job and not wearing a baseball cap all the time now that he’s 60.
But even though Barack Obama has won Hollywood over, we won’t be voting for him. Or anyone else for that matter. That’s because we’ve checked our 2008 calender and we’ve realised that we’re busy coming from and living in a country that isn’t America that day.
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Jeronimoe says
That sounds like the ass-lickiest way possibly to earn a million dollars… imagine having to tell Eddie Murphy how much you like him. Urgh!
Car says
I bet you ” things” don’t have a clue what being an American is all about. Hey dudes, don’t hate Barack because he’s beautiful, jealousy won’t improve your looks or your brains. Go play with yourselves, if that’s possible.
Chow, DOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS!
Roy Le Pre says
We’re not supporting Obama? Really? I have so sailed up the wrong creek again.
That Obi has won Hollywood over, surely, should send us Brits panting and on our knees ready to serve the American
dudes and dudettes that make Holly in the first place! The question du jour must be this :
Why would anyone sane (ergo, normal, ergo, anti-Bush) not want to vote for Obama?
I mean, what a bummer (okay okay) – even if just as a protest vote against the nut of all nuts, Dubya?
I am. I am going to send him (O, not B) my personal letter of appraisal and tell him to go for it, whatever it is.
Bush going out of office in the foreseeable future to be replaced by Obama! Or anybody.
Surely, thees eez a good theeng even by British standards?
Kelipsis says
hecklerspray’s too smart to reveal its political viewpoint… if Bush or Clinton or anyone had gone to Hollywood to say that, they’d have probably written exactly the same thing.
Never let political alliances get in the way of sarcastic news reporting – it’s the spray way