Hecklerspray HQ is bedecked with bunting, scotch eggs and old Vera Lynn LPs today because it's Commonwealth Day, and we're certainly not ones to let old, slightly embarrassing imperialist celebrations go without some form of commemoration.
We're not the only ones celebrating Commonwealth Day today – the Queen is also doing her bit to remind a third of the world's population that a crinkly old woman in a pink jacket is still their boss. This year, however, the Queen will deviate slightly from her usual Commonwealth Day celebrations – standing atop a vast pile of dead and dying Commonwealth members, with a disemboweled lung hoisted in the air with one hand and screaming "I'm in charge! I'm in charge! You people belong to ME!" into a loudhailer in front of the world's media – by going to church and basically just professing her love for Shilpa Shetty a lot.
They say that Celebrity Big Brother contestants are only famous for being famous, but that's not really accurate when it comes to Shilpa Shetty – she's famous for being racially insulted by people who are only famous for being famous, and that's a big difference. Although all the Celebrity Big Brother racist hoo-hah has resulted in one disturbing public breakdown and a hooting chav being banned from India for a while and then confusingly unbanned, Shilpa Shetty has gone from strength to strength.
Since leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house, Shilpa Shetty has been on a whirlwind tour of celebrity that's included an opportunistic visit to the House Of Commons and an opportunistic visit to Liz Hurley's wedding – not to mention trawling the universe for boyfriends – but today is bound to be Shilpa Shetty's biggest day yet, because today Shilpa Shetty meets the Queen for Commonwealth Day.
If you don't know what Commonwealth Day is, don't worry – few other people do, either. Hardly celebrated anywhere in the world, Commonwealth Day – formerly known as Empire Day – is when the Queen subtly reminds countries like Canada, Australia, South Africa, India and Fiji that they used to belong to her family and still sort of do a bit. This year, as usual, the Queen will be making her Commonwealth Day address from Westminster Abbey, where she'll talk about respect and understanding. In particular, the Queen will be showing her respect and understanding to Shilpa Shetty, who will also speak at the service, as The Guardian explains:
Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty will meet the Queen on Monday and talk about her experiences of respect and understanding at a service marking Commonwealth Day. The Indian actress, who was at the centre of a global race row during her time on Celebrity Big Brother, is to speak at the Westminster Abbey service. She is one of five representatives chosen to share their own experiences of respect and understanding, the theme for this year's celebrations, and will also be presented to the Queen… More than 2,000 people are set to attend the multi-faith service, including the Commonwealth's Secretary-General, foreign dignitaries and about 1,000 young people from the UK.
The Queen will no doubt use Shilpa Shetty as an example of dignity in the face of racial ignorance, possibly adding that Shilpa manages to keep so lovely and thin because she's an Indian, and Indians can't cook and so vomit their food up every day. But Commonwealth Day isn't just about a rich old lady and a woman who Jade Goody once called 'Shilpa Fuckawallah' – there will also be other speakers talking about their experiences at the Commonwealth Day service, like a human rights activist from Fiji, a nurse from Northern Ireland, a women's rights activist from Jamaica and a former child soldier from Biafra.
But none of them have been on telly shouting about Oxo, so they're probably not as important. Happy Commonwealth Day!
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Herbert says
I love Commonwealth day. Not enough days in the calender where I can lord it over those bleedin fijians you know