Shilpa Shetty Wants You To Be Her Boyfriend, More Or Less

Shilpa Shetty Celebrity Big Brother Boyfriend Dad LoveThanks to having a loud idiot who can't talk properly name her after a crispy bean-flour bread during Celebrity Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty is now the world's most famous woman for people who watched a lot of Celebrity Big Brother and nothing else.

And as such, Shilpa Shetty is looking to enjoy the perks that come with being the most famous victim of racial abuse since Rodney King. At the moment, Shilpa has only used the perks entitled 'talk endlessly about yourself' and 'make the mannish one from S Club 7 loudly sob while rocking backwards and forwards during a live GMTV interview in a genuinely disturbing way', but now Shilpa Shetty wants to use her new fame to get a boyfriend. And that boyfriend could be you, provided you're the same age as her, Indian, a millionaire and you can gain the approval of Shilpa's frankly terrifying-sounding Dad. 

If you're like us, your staggeringly tiny attention span means that you've pretty much forgotten that Celebrity Big Brother was even on in the first place, let alone remembered all the squawking fuss about racism, bullying and what a hideous bell-end Leo Sayer is. So here's a reminder for you. Celebrity Big Brother starts and is boring until Jade Goody and her family arrive and all the good housemates leave, then the remaining rubbish housemates all get a bit racist to Shilpa Shetty and everything gets blown out of proportion. Then Jade Goody leaves Celebrity Big Brother, everything gets boring again and Shilpa Shetty wins.

Following her Celebrity Big Brother win, Shilpa Shetty had two options open to her. First she could do as Chantelle did when she won Celebrity Big Brother and milk a tired catchphrase for a year then marry a man who's prone to girly strops, or she could do as Pete Bennett did when he won Big Brother in the summer and record the worst song in the history of the world

But this is Shilpa Shetty we're talking about. Shilpa flushes chicken carcasses down the toilet. Shilpa cares not for rules. That's why Shilpa Shetty is using her new-found fame to look for a boyfriend who can a) sweep her off her feet in a spontaneous gesture of love and b) pass the standardised boyfriend approval exam and interview process that her overbearing-seeming father will force him to sit. In an interview with The Mirror, Shilpa Shetty says:

"If a guy wants to take me out, he must seek my dad's permission first. That's just the way it works. I secretly brief them about the best answers to give to my father's questions before they face him. But that hasn't stopped dad vetoing a good few… My dream husband would be able to make me laugh, which isn't difficult. He'd respect my parents like his own and be financially well placed because I don't want any ego rifts. I would prefer to marry an Indian man, although meeting Jermaine in the house taught me people from abroad can also share my values and beliefs and don't have to be a no-no."

Wait a minute… that's us. That's us exactly. Apart from the funny bit, the respect bit, the rich bit and the Indian bit. But, hey, we can ape those well enough if it'd mean we could get close to Shilpa Shetty. We're Shilpa's perfect boyfriend.

"Hopefully viewers will see swearing, drinking, burping and farting is not cool – but being kind, dignified and making your parents proud is. If appearing in Big Brother has helped teach one person that in any small way, then my job is done."

Did Shilpa just say something? We stopped paying attention for a moment because we just guffed in our Mum's face and it fucking stank like a dead dog's cock. Also we're quite drunk. Anyway, as we were saying, Shilpa Shetty – we're waiting for your call.

Read more:

I'm After A Man With Dad's Approval – Mirror  

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Comments

  1. Lucy 4 says

    Oh come on – CBB finished more than 24 hours ago. Let’s stop talking about Shilpa Shetty now

  2. kpo says

    I smell a new reality series, kinda in the vein of “The Bachelor(ette)”…………………

    God help us all

  3. Bala says

    It amazes me how people term the Shilpa bullying episode as “blown out of proportion”. Hey, let me remind you that this matter was “blown out of proportion” even before Jade abused Shilpa and called her Shilpa “Poppadom”. As an Indian it didnt hurt me even a bit when people couldnt pronounced her name. I think it is important to clarify what the Indians really found offensive – see below:

    “She wants to be a white”
    “She is a Dog”
    “Indians are thin because they eat undercooked chicken”
    “Indians cook with their hands – you dont know where their hands have been”

    I like Jade because she was so open and straightforward. She had the guts to resolve the matter in front of everybody whereas Danielle chose to do the same in the middle of night when everybody was sleeping. And Jo is so rude she says would say the same things again if she went back into the house!!!