Oh thank god – for a while it looked like this series of Celebrity Big Brother was going to slide away into obscurity, but now Celebrity Big Brother is must-watch TV again, and it's all down to nothing but good old-fashioned English racism.
If you haven't been watching Celebrity Big Brother lately, let us fill you in. Globally, one of the biggest Celebrity Big Brother housemates this year is Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty. However, a small group of Celebrity Big Brother housemates led by Jade Goody, Danielle Lloyd and Jo O'Meara don't seem to realise how famous Shilpa is – and they all seem to be bullying her because she's got brown skin, can't cook chicken properly and flushes bones down toilets. Is this Celebrity Big Brother racism in action? Thousands of people have complained to Channel Four saying that it is. And guess what – now you can bet on it. We've got the latest betting odds to find out who'll be the first Celebrity Big Brother housemate to get formally warned by Big Brother for bullying. It's like a great big special racist party, and you're all invited!
So here are the Celebrity Big Brother betting odds to find the first Celebrity Big Brother housemate to be warned for bullying, with help from Paddy Power…
Jermaine Jackson – Throughout Celebrity Big Brother, Jermaine Jackson has been Shilpa's first port of call whenever it looks as if she's being bullied by the others. And if this simple fact alone didn't make him Celebrity Big Brother's most non-racist, non-bullying housemate, perhaps the fact that he recently genuinely calmed Shilpa by saying "These people should listen to my brother Michael's song Man In The Mirror," will. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 33/1
Cleo Rocos – Cleo Rocos is another Celebrity Big Brother housemate who seems chronically incapable of racism or bullying because she's just so bloody lovely to everyone all the time. Since Cleo is friends with everyone in the house, she often acts as the Celebrity Big Brother mediator during arguments, bringing Jade and co together with Shilpa to talk through their differences. Sure, these talks always end in crying and more shrieking racism, but what can you do? Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 33/1
Dirk Benedict – If wanting to hump a Hindu on live TV is racist then Dirk Benedict doesn't want to be politically correct. Right from the start of Celebrity Big Brother Dirk has professed his unrequited love for Shilpa Shetty, so he's hardly going to get a warning from Big Brother for racism. But bullying… every time Jade Goody honks out another indecipherable sentence at full volume you can see Dirk's eyes narrow with rage a little more. There's a chance he might snap and loudly bully Jade until she urinates down herself – in which case he's a runner – but otherwise Dirk's probably safe. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 20/1
Shilpa Shetty – Whaaaat? Shilpa Shetty still might be given a Celebrity Big Brother warning for bullying even though she's the one being bullied? Huh? Actually there is a chance that Shilpa Shetty could be given a warning, since several Celebrity Big Brother housemates think she's manipulative and controlling and this could possibly be vaguely seen as being a bit bullyish. Also, if Shilpa is subjected to more teasing from Jade's crew, she may well go postal and slash all the Celebrity Big Brother housemates' throats open with a breadknife. And that sort of counts as bullying too. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 20/1
Ian Watkins – Despite these betting odds, we actually think that Ian Watkins is the Celebrity Big Brother housemate least likely to get an official warning for being a racist bully, as racism requires an opinion and Ian has clearly never had one of these in his entire life. Throughout this whole Celebrity Big Brother racism episode Ian's reaction has mainly been to hide in a corner muttering to himself and wishing everyone would go away like the child in a broken marriage. Ian also thinks the Celebrity Big Brother situation is like Lord Of The Flies – albeit a Lord Of The Flies starring millionaires arguing about poultry – and the law states that if you read books you can't be a bully. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 20/1
Jo O'Meara – Now we start to get into the Celebrity Big Brother group that has seen the most accusations of bullying. Jo O'Meara's main crime so far involves her doing a 'comedy' impression of Shilpa Shetty, although – in fairness – the impression was so hamfisted that it could just as easily have been Ian Watkins she was impersonating. Also Jo was the ringleader of the Celebrity Big Brother chickengate incident, where she reduced Shilpa to tears by claiming her roast turkey was "a bit pink" and wondered if all Indians were thin because they were sick all the time. On the other hand, Jo has pulled up some of the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates when they've crossed the line and insulted Shilpa a little bit too much. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 8/1
Danielle Lloyd – We think Danielle Lloyd's got off pretty lightly here, since she's one of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates with the worst track records against Shilpa. During their drunken argument on Friday night, Danielle called Shilpa a "dog" and "just the cook," and has gone on to back up Jade's attacks wherever possible, as well as saying that Shilpa bleached her facial hair because she wants to be white. It's hard to tell whether or not Danielle is being genuinely racist towards Shilpa, or if she's just jealous because there's more to Shilpa than a fat chest and a middle-aged footballer boyfriend. Either way, we're putting Danielle in the racist bully Celebrity Big Brother 'one to watch' category. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 5/2
Jack Tweed – Whether he did it on purpose or not, Jack Tweed kicked off this whole Celebrity Big Brother racism landslide by insulting Shilpa so badly that Celebrity Big Brother needed to bleep it. Several Asian groups claim that the bleeped ward was "Paki" – which probably would warrant all the complaints – but in actual fact Jack was merely calling Shilpa a "cunt". Also, at one point Jack suggested that Shilpa should clean a toilet with her teeth. Jack Tweed, then. Possibly not a racist but definitely an unbelievably stupid, inexcusably nasty little tit. We tell you, if Jack hadn't have wanked up Jade's leg the other day, they'd be no way back for him. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 9/4
Jade Goody – And now for the ringleader. In Jade's head, every single thing that's wrong with the Celebrity Big Brother house is Shilpa's fault. At last count, Jade had blamed Shilpa for filling in the shopping list wrong, for her mother being evicted from Celebrity Big Brother and – oddly – for the way that Shilpa followed the rules when deciding to evict Carole from Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, and crying all the time. Again, it might be jealousy, ignorance and incredible stupidity at work instead of racism but either way Jade has never been too far away from all this Celebrity Big Brother bullying. Her mother must be proud. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – Evens
Tomorrow – hopefully something nicer, like the betting odds for all the Celebrity Big Brother housemates catching E-Coli or something. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Celebrity Big Brother betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.