Now that Britney Spears has finally lost custody of her children, we've all woken up to a frighteningly unstable world – a world where Kevin Federline is legally better at doing something than somebody else.
That thought alone chills us to our very core – and we wouldn't be surprised if you felt exactly the same – but one person who doesn't seem to care that Kevin Federline is now a better parent than Britney Spears is Britney Spears. Although the idea of losing child custody must be every mother's worst nightmare, Britney Spears decided to mourn the loss of her kids by merrily skipping out for a delicious burger before getting her tan topped up at a local salon. While Britney Spears' oddly cheerful reaction to losing custody of her children has confused many, we think it's probably just because Britney knows they'll be hers again by Friday after K-Fed gets caught using Jayden's infant hands and arms to retrieve an earring from his waste disposal unit.
So it's happened – after what seems like an age of watching Kevin Federline subpoena everyone from former assistants to supposed lesbian lovers to actual buildings, the inevitable has happened and Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids. Frankly we're stunned. Not because this means that Kevin Federline is technically a decent parent – although, come on, Kevin Federline? – but because, aside from believing herself to be the devil and rubbing shit on herself and conducting the world's longest uncomfortable vagina ventriloquism act, what has Britney Spears actually done wrong?
Well – even though we get the feeling that Britney Spears lost custody of her children because the judge thought that her MTV VMA performance was a slight let-down – the official reason given for Britney Spears losing custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James is because, in short, she's a titting nimrod.
A couple of weeks ago, after a signed declaration by Britney's former bodyguard about Britney's drug and farting problem left a judge calling her a 'habitual and continuous' user of drugs and alcohol, Britney Spears was ordered to reign in her behaviour and take twice-weekly drug tests. But what Britney Spears actually did was refuse the drug tests, go out drinking with Avril Lavigne and drive her children about even though she'd just been charged with having no license. And that was enough for the judge to whip custody away from Britney Spears as fast as he could. But, hey, at least this leaves Britney with more time to eat burgers and burn her skin orange as the Daily Mail reports:
She had just lost custody of her infant sons after failing to obey court orders. But having downed a hamburger and booked herself in for a tanning session, Britney Spears managed to raise a smile… Wearing a revealing pink dress and with tangled hair, Miss Spears grabbed a bite at a Beverly Hills burger bar. She then handed Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one, over to the bodyguards of her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. Afterwards, she spent some time at her favourite Bel Air tanning salon and followed up with supper at celebrity haunt Nobu.
Of course, in time Britney Spears will learn that meat patties and artificially sun-kissed skin are no substitute for two children who you can terrify by babbling at uncontrollably. And – yet again – perhaps losing her children will alert Britney Spears into finally changing her ways and accepting that she has to take responsibility for her actions. At the very least Britney Spears has now reached a point where we genuinely can't see her sinking any lower. But Britney Spears is nothing if not a trooper, so we fully this to be remedied by the end of the week when Britney Spears somehow chops off a limb while trying to peel a satsuma or whatever.
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Leslie says
It’s occurred to me from time to time that Britney – whether consciously or subconsciously – does not really want to have custody of the kids. She was at the top of her game (whatever game that may have been) pre-kids. Whoa. Someone get me some razor blades. I’m thinking about this waaay too much.