Kevin Federline is leaving no stone unturned in his quest to prove that Britney Spears is the most useless mother alive, which is pretty diligent for a man whose hardest ever job involved rhyming the words 'city' and 'titty' in a song.
After serving subpoenas to assistants of Britney Spears past and present, Kevin Federline has now taken it upon himself to dish out potentially the most incriminating subpoena of them all – to Promises, the rehab facility that was home to Britney Spears in the period directly between Britney Spears shaving her head and Britney Spears staggering around for a camera covered in chicken grease and dog shit. A testimony of all the crazy shenanigans that Britney Spears got up to in rehab will almost certainly win Kevin Federline custody of his two children, unless of course Kevin Federline decides to also serve baby Sean Preston, since he's just about the right age to know how to say 'gold-digging cornrowed tosspot' now.
Custody battles are never pretty, whether it's David Hasselhoff being accused of punching his wife or Paul McCartney being accused of stabbing his wife or Alec Baldwin screaming about pigs at his daughter , but God bless Kevin Federline for trying to make his custody fight with Britney Spears the single most publicly bitter celebrity squabble since the dawn of mankind.
Even though Kevin Federline and Britney Spears agreed to share custody of their sons Sean Preston and Jayden James as they were divorcing, it's taken all of the intervening time for it to slowly dawn on Kevin Federline that Britney Spears throwing up and collapsing and attacking cars and whirling her vagina around like a terrorist with a dirty bomb might not actually be in the best interests of their children. So, while Britney Spears carried on obliviously doing shit-covered photo shoots, Kevin Federline carefully geared up the Britney Spears custody bitchfight.
First came a surprise serving of Britney Spears's assistant Alli Sims, swiftly followed up by a serving of a woman Britney Spears might have had lesbian sex with, and now comes the cherry on the cake – Kevin Federline has served Promises, the rehab centre where Britney Spears spent a few months earlier this year. MSNBC reports:
Kevin’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, confirmed to “Access Hollywood” an “administrative executive” at the facility was served with the subpoena on Saturday, as Kevin and his camp continue to build their case in his very public custody battle with Britney over the couple’s two kids — Sean Preston and Jayden James… “They are pursing all relevant evidence from every potential source and every available witness, including witnesses who might actually believe they could succeed in becoming unavailable,” a source told “Access Hollywood.”
And with all of the Britney Spears custody secrets possibly about to be spilled, it seems as if we're finally going to discover all of the potentially custody-losing behaviour that Britney got up to in rehab. Did Britney really call herself the devil and attempt suicide? Did Britney really get diagnosed as bipolar? Was Britney Spears treated for any substance abuse problems? Worst of all, did Britney Spears really take any kind of advice whatsoever from Daniel Baldwin?
It might not be such a bad idea for these secrets to come out in court, you know. After all, nothing else seems to be curbing Britney Spears's wayward tendencies, so perhaps having the whole world hear just how far off the rails she's strayed – and potentially losing custody of her children – will be what it takes for Britney Spears to draw a line under all her old bad behaviour and start afresh with the really serious life-threatening meltdown shit.
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