You know what Britney Spears has to do if she wants to keep her kids? No, not try to wear a pair of knickers for once in her effing life – although that'd be a start – instead, Britney Spears has to undergo random drug testing.
According to the judge in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight over their two young children, Britney Spears is a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" abuser of both drugs and alcohol, and if Britney Spears is serious about keeping her children, she'll need to submit herself to random drug tests to ensure that she's keeping her nose clean. "Huh?" you're probably thinking, "If Britney Spears is on drugs then why doesn't the judge immediately hand custody over to Kevin Federline?" And the answer to that is simple – because he's Kevin sodding Federline. Seriously, Britney Spears would need to set one of her babies on fire and throw it out of an aeroplane to make Kevin Federline even look like a halfway suitable custody prospect.
So a judge says that Britney Spears is on drugs. Weird, really – we always thought that passing out in nightclubs and shaving your head and projectile vomiting and covering yourself in shit and actually referring to yourself as the Antichrist were the sensible actions of a relentless sober mind. At least that's what we tell ourselves when we look in the mirror each morning, anyway.
But, anyway, according to the judge presiding over the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight, Britney Spears is on drugs and that needs to change if Britney Spears wants to keep repeatedly endangering the lives of Sean Preston and Jayden James instead of Kevin Federline in the future. Possibly thanks to the contents of the apparently shocking signed declaration given to the court by Britney Spears' former bodyguard Tony Barretto – which stated that Britney Spears was often nude and on drugs around her kids – the judge has ordered Britney Spears to undergo random drug testing, as AFP reports:
Los Angeles Superior Court judge Scott Gordon said that, according to evidence presented in closed door hearings, Spears, 25, remains a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" user of "controlled substances and alcohol," court documents showed. "The petitioner (Spears) is ordered to undergo testing for the use of controlled substances and alcohol," the court order stated. "Testing shall be conducted twice per week on random dates and times."
As well as the random drug testing – the results of which may well still see Britney Spears losing custody of her children – Britney Spears has also been ordered to see a therapist once a week, although finding a therapist willing to put up with an hour of listening to a deluded redneck screeching "My heel broke! It was my heel!" each week will probably be an unusually tough job. And in addition to that, Britney Spears has also been ordered to hire a parenting coach – lessons one and two presumably being 'Don't drive around with your kid on your lap' and 'Try not to smash any more infant skulls.'
And, yes, we know we've pointed this out time and time again, but maybe being ordered to undergo random drug tests will be what Britney Spears needs to help claw her way out of her current downward spiral. Or maybe Britney Spears will just be Britney Spears and get round the drug tests by investing in a Whizzinator, although we pray to god this doesn't happen. Not only would that show that Britney Spears is compulsively incapable of dealing with any form of responsibility, but – let's face it – it'd only be a matter of days before Britney Spears is pictured getting out of a car with a veiny prosthetic latex penis dangling out the bottom of her skirt. And hasn't the world suffered enough for that?