Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Britney Spears, her former bodyguard Tony Barretto has decided to tell the world that Britney Spears spooks out her kids by screaming and crying and babbling and farting a lot.
In an interview with the News Of The World, Tony Barretto has made all sorts of very specific claims about how Britney Spears is a mentally-ill, chain-smoking, mostly-nude, constantly-guffing drug addict who almost overdosed and sometimes babbles in a made-up language to her children and employees. Barretto's claims come right in the middle of Britney Spears' increasingly nasty custody battle with Kevin Federline – which has already seen Britney Spears ordered to take twice-weekly drug tests – and the collapse of her professional career. But never mind all that – we're thinking of starting a campaign to get Britney Spears installed as the new boss on The Apprentice. Donald Trump and Alan Sugar just don't believe in flatulent babbling nudity enough for our liking, you see.
Despite what you may believe, we're desperate to stop writing about Britney Spears. And we will, just as soon as Britney Spears stops her confusing routine of doing one scarily demented thing each day – although, as far as we can see, that won't happen for a good few months yet. As things stand at the moment, Britney Spears' disastrous MTV VMA routine has pretty much ended her career, the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody battle has seen Britney exposed as a habitual drug-user who could be about to lose her kids and now there's even a chance that Britney Spears will spend six months in jail after being charged with a hit and run.
But still, however bad things get, at least Britney Spears has got her perfect personal hygiene and doesn't just walk round babbling in a made-up languag… oh. No, wait. Britney Spears does just walk around babbling in a made-up language and her personal hygiene is so bad that her noxious farting blisters paintwork wherever she goes. That's according to Tony Barretto anyway – the bodyguard whose signed declaration about Britney's behaviour around her kids led to a judge issuing a drug-test order against her.
Now Tony Barretto has spoken to the News Of The World about Britney Spears in an interview so jam-packed with gory allegations we couldn't possibly list them all here – but if you get the chance, check out his account of Britney Spears' drug overdose – but for now we'll just bring you Tony's claims about Britney's constant babbling and farting:
"Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she's happy. When they're crying or unwell, she's not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don't get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children… She has a terrible farting and burping problem. She burps and farts A LOT."
You hear that? Britney Spears doesn't just burp and fart a lot – she burps and farts A LOT. It's hard to fathom how how shocking these new allegations about Britney Spears are, because we just can't square the behaviour in Tony Barretto's claims with the Britney Spears we know and love. Head-shaving, yes. Screaming umbrella car attacks, yes. Rehab suicide attempts, yes. Puking, yes. Weird shit-streaked photo shoots, yes. Compulsive vagina-flashing, yes. But farting? Get out of town.