Britney Spears Bodyguard: Britney Scares Kids By Crying & Farting

Britney Spears Babbling Tony Barretto News Of The World Farting Crying Drugs Children KidsJust when you thought things couldn't get worse for Britney Spears, her former bodyguard Tony Barretto has decided to tell the world that Britney Spears spooks out her kids by screaming and crying and babbling and farting a lot.

In an interview with the News Of The World, Tony Barretto has made all sorts of very specific claims about how Britney Spears is a mentally-ill, chain-smoking, mostly-nude, constantly-guffing drug addict who almost overdosed and sometimes babbles in a made-up language to her children and employees. Barretto's claims come right in the middle of Britney Spears' increasingly nasty custody battle with Kevin Federline – which has already seen Britney Spears ordered to take twice-weekly drug tests – and the collapse of her professional career. But never mind all that – we're thinking of starting a campaign to get Britney Spears installed as the new boss on The Apprentice. Donald Trump and Alan Sugar just don't believe in flatulent babbling nudity enough for our liking, you see.

Despite what you may believe, we're desperate to stop writing about Britney Spears. And we will, just as soon as Britney Spears stops her confusing routine of doing one scarily demented thing each day – although, as far as we can see, that won't happen for a good few months yet. As things stand at the moment, Britney Spears' disastrous MTV VMA routine has pretty much ended her career, the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody battle has seen Britney exposed as a habitual drug-user who could be about to lose her kids and now there's even a chance that Britney Spears will spend six months in jail after being charged with a hit and run.

But still, however bad things get, at least Britney Spears has got her perfect personal hygiene and doesn't just walk round babbling in a made-up languag… oh. No, wait. Britney Spears does just walk around babbling in a made-up language and her personal hygiene is so bad that her noxious farting blisters paintwork wherever she goes. That's according to Tony Barretto anyway – the bodyguard whose signed declaration about Britney's behaviour around her kids led to a judge issuing a drug-test order against her.

Now Tony Barretto has spoken to the News Of The World about Britney Spears in an interview so jam-packed with gory allegations we couldn't possibly list them all here – but if you get the chance, check out his account of Britney Spears' drug overdose – but for now we'll just bring you Tony's claims about Britney's constant babbling and farting:

"Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she's happy. When they're crying or unwell, she's not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don't get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children… She has a terrible farting and burping problem. She burps and farts A LOT."

You hear that? Britney Spears doesn't just burp and fart a lot – she burps and farts A LOT. It's hard to fathom how how shocking these new allegations about Britney Spears are, because we just can't square the behaviour in Tony Barretto's claims with the Britney Spears we know and love. Head-shaving, yes. Screaming umbrella car attacks, yes. Rehab suicide attempts, yes. Puking, yes. Weird shit-streaked photo shoots, yes. Compulsive vagina-flashing, yes. But farting? Get out of town.

Read more:

Britney Was Sweating, Her Pupils Were Huge, We Thought She Was Dying - News Of The World 

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Comments

  1. Truman says

    Well…I don’t know about her farting problems. It might be true, and it might be untrue. After all, it only came from the ex-bodyguard, Tony Barretto. It would have been proven if she were caught farting on tape. Right now, I can just take that as a rumor, but it might become evident later. Doesn’t she want her paparazzi to leave her alone? The price is that she has to fart on them and get caught on tape, but the good side is that they will never go near her again…hehehe. The video “Oops, I Farted” on zthing.com was not made for nothing.

  2. Lola says

    I highly doubt an American would use the word ‘mum’ instead of mother or mom. If they made free with his comments, who knows what else they made up. Considering Britain’s News of the World is akin to our National Enquirer, I’d think twice before believing anything published in that paper. How about all you news outlets do some REAL journalism and get your hands on the actual document Tony Barretto signed? Even so, without objective proof (recordings, video) of her behavior inside the house, this is just going to be a he said, she said thing. Yes, Britney is imploding. But do you really have to make farting a headline? What’s next? Describing the texture, color, and scent of her shit? Please.

  3. says

    OF COURSE SHE’S GONNA FART A LOT – SHE DRINKS EVERYTHING THROUGH A STRAW. PEOPLE GULP AIR WHEN THEY DO THAT & IT’S GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE. DUH…… I LOVE HOW OK MAGAZINE IS NOW QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF THE BODYGUARD AFTER THEY SOLD HOW MANY COPIES BASED ON HER PHOTO SHOOT MELTDOWN? YET ANOTHER DUH….

  4. says

    Ok, has anyone else noticed that everyone is so desperate to hear shocking headlines about Britney Spears that the media has been reduced to writing about her farting problem??? What the hell is that? Is there no dignity or compassion left in this world? Are we living in a world of five-year-olds? Did these “journalists” really go to school for all that time so that when asked the question “What was your most memorable story?” they could answer “Britney Spears’ farting problem.” When are we going to say “enough”? When are we going to realize that she obviously has zero respect for herself or for her children and turn away so as to preserve our own dignity? But no! We are somehow compelled to immerse ourslves in this person’s pathetic and often disgusting life right along with her! Thereby degrading ourselves as she is determined to degrade herself. Enough, people. I say, enough.

  5. gir says

    HAHAHHAA i have now seen my favorite piece of literature ever

    OF COURSE SHE’S GONNA FART A LOT – SHE DRINKS EVERYTHING THROUGH A STRAW.

  6. says

    brittney spears sux and she does not look good with herpies on her lips this part is from sabrina mcqueen.

    are you gay or just a bad mom you do not want your kids!!!! i will tack them for you this is from alisha wade

  7. BUBBA says

    +Britney Spears has evolved into a total disgusting drug addled freak of poor personal hygiene. I bet her farts are like holding a bag of four day old feces under your nose. I think she should just move to the hood and have sex with angry black men.

  8. tii says

    when u have nothing to talk about someone , u become soo desperate that u start criticizing his fart….poor fuckers…

  9. says

    I have found that many, at least half, (total of 45 so far), fart during intercourse. I have had the strong urge , but suppressed it somehow. most of the pretty ones must eat flowers and drink perfume, but some are deadly silent creepers , fired off at the moment of the deepest thrust. These are not to be confused with pussy farts caused by air being pumped in, or stroked in, nor is it to be confused when it results from blowing volumes of air in by mouth and upon exit, you can manipulate her “lips” in order to play all of your old favorites. This really happens, but I wrote it to make somebody laugh, I hope.