It’s a scary time to be alive. Every where you look there are people dying, mothers crying, politicians lying and girlfriends prying.

We are told that global warming is going to drown us, or that international terrorism is going to blow us up, or that Paris Hilton is going to have a baby – It’s all too much. The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.

But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish-nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!

Chris Rock, until recently widely regarded as the funniest man in the English speaking world (as recent as Friday, in fact) has, all of a sudden, lost his sense of humour entirely.

Chris, currently touring his ‘No apologies’ show around South Africa, was the butt of a US reality TV show prank – one of the funniest pranks in the history of pranks, FYI.

You ask: what was said prank? Well, hehe, get this! God, we’re laughing just typing it down! Right, this TV show (which no one seems to know the name of) made accusations that Chris Rock has, wait for it… had sex with an underage British girl – when he hasn’t! Ahahahahahaha!

Genius! And yet, for some reason, Chris Rock didn’t find being accused of statuatory rape funny in the slightest. The bloody square.

Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’.

Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons:

1) It’s obviously bull-shit.

2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky.

3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkey’s, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively messianic assholes.

Alex James, the Hugh Grant-haired, bass playing, cheese-making lovey of Brit Pop superstars Blur (the pretty one who pursed his lips in every video) has re-sparked rumours of Blur reuniting.

True, this is perhaps the twenty-seventh time he personally has sparked the rumours of Blur reuniting and, true, it’ll almost certainly be as fruitless as the rest of them but still; anything to make people realise the Kaiser Chiefs are nothing but an insulting pretender to their throne is worth commenting on.

It’s been five years since they released Think Tank; a kind of ‘half-good, half-wanky’ take on modern culture (a feeling encapsulated perfectly by the usage of a Banksy painting on the front cover – the King of ‘half-good, half-wanky’). Since then the Blur boys have all taken their own unique path.

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie.

It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift – no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top.

The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000.

Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.

Lindsay Lohan, as we all know, likes to keep herself to herself. Like Thom Yorke and Paul Scholes before her, she is an A-grade enigma. As to what makes her tick, we just don’t know.

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

A homosexual moment between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s latest movie is the talk of the 61st Cannes Film Festival.

Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!

The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.

Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a scene comparable to the most joyous of VE Day celebrations.

Miley Cyrus has spoken out in defense of the worth of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan’s lives.

She has described their behavior as ‘normal’ for girls their age and suggested they have ‘good hearts’; a case of the pot defending the kettle for being black, perhaps? According to Yahoo, Miley said:

Everyone has their time. And I think most 21 to 25-year-olds go through this kind of thing. Basically, they’re being normal 21-year-olds, especially Lindsay. I mean, most of that’s pretty normal. If you went to most high schools, I could point out Britneys and Lindsays.

Everyone has their time. We hear ya, Miley, we hear ya.