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Paul Sorrenti

Kaiser Chiefs Ricky Wilson: ‘We Are The New Oasis’. Nobhead?

by Paul Sorrenti

Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’.

Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons:

1) It’s obviously bull-shit.

2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky.

3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkey’s, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively messianic assholes.

Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’. Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons: 1) It’s obviously bull-shit. 2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky. 3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkey’s, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively messianic assholes.
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Blur To Reunite? Alex James Thinks So

by Paul Sorrenti

Alex James, the Hugh Grant-haired, bass playing, cheese-making lovey of Brit Pop superstars Blur (the pretty one who pursed his lips in every video) has re-sparked rumours of Blur reuniting.

True, this is perhaps the twenty-seventh time he personally has sparked the rumours of Blur reuniting and, true, it’ll almost certainly be as fruitless as the rest of them but still; anything to make people realise the Kaiser Chiefs are nothing but an insulting pretender to their throne is worth commenting on.

It’s been five years since they released Think Tank; a kind of ‘half-good, half-wanky’ take on modern culture (a feeling encapsulated perfectly by the usage of a Banksy painting on the front cover – the King of ‘half-good, half-wanky’). Since then the Blur boys have all taken their own unique path.

Alex James, the Hugh Grant-haired, bass playing, cheese-making lovey of Brit Pop superstars Blur (the pretty one who pursed his lips in every video) has re-sparked rumours of Blur reuniting. True, this is perhaps the twenty-seventh time he personally has sparked the rumours of Blur reuniting and, true, it’ll almost certainly be as fruitless as the rest of them but still; anything to make people realise the Kaiser Chiefs are nothing but an insulting pretender to their throne is worth commenting on. It’s been five years since they released Think Tank; a kind of ‘half-good, half-wanky’ take on modern culture (a feeling encapsulated perfectly by the usage of a Banksy painting on the front cover – the King of ‘half-good, half-wanky’). Since then the Blur boys have all taken their own unique path.
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Miley Cyrus – Ripped Fishnets And Fear/We Are Watching You

by Paul Sorrenti

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie.

It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift – no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top.

The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000.

Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie. It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift - no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top. The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000. Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.
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Lindsay Lohan Reveals All, Which Is Very Little

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan, as we all know, likes to keep herself to herself. Like Thom Yorke and Paul Scholes before her, she is an A-grade enigma. As to what makes her tick, we just don’t know.

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

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Scarlett Johansson’s Lesbian Kiss With Penelope Cruz Latest: Cannes Loves It

by Paul Sorrenti

A homosexual moment between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s latest movie is the talk of the 61st Cannes Film Festival.

Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!

The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.

Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a scene comparable to the most joyous of VE Day celebrations.

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Miley Cyrus: It’s Normal To Be A Slut Like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus has spoken out in defense of the worth of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan’s lives.

She has described their behavior as ‘normal’ for girls their age and suggested they have ‘good hearts’; a case of the pot defending the kettle for being black, perhaps? According to Yahoo, Miley said:

Everyone has their time. And I think most 21 to 25-year-olds go through this kind of thing. Basically, they’re being normal 21-year-olds, especially Lindsay. I mean, most of that’s pretty normal. If you went to most high schools, I could point out Britneys and Lindsays.

Everyone has their time. We hear ya, Miley, we hear ya.

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Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant

by Paul Sorrenti

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) wedding ceremony and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

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George Lucas: I May Well Make Indiana Jones 5 & I May Well Ruin It Further

by Paul Sorrenti

George Lucas has touched more boys than any other man.

If you happened to have been a boy between 1977 and now then chances are George Lucas has manipulated you in a vulnerable area.

You probably have tapes of the event, graphic reminders of the day Lucas sucked you in. You may find you regularly meet up with similarly touched boys, sharing your life-shattering experiences as some kind of therapy.

What we are alluding to here is that George Lucas is a mass paedophile. No, that’s only a joke suggesting an innocent man is a paedophile, haha, he isn’t; it is of course the hearts and minds of boys that he has manipulated, which is fine, and it seems future generations are in for it too, as George has said he’d like to make Indiana Jones 5 – with Shia Labouef as the lead.

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Is Peaches Geldof Going To Jail? Probably Not.

by Paul Sorrenti

Peaches Geldof has been filmed handing over money to a pair of notorious drug-dealers and is to be investigated by the police.

19-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

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Lindsay Lohan To Star In Ugly Betty Season Finale

by Paul Sorrenti

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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