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Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus Sluts It Up Again At The Disney Channel Games Concert

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire.

As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination.

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire. As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination. The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray: It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.
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Sir David Attenborough: ‘Celebrity Culture Is Ghastly’

by Paul Sorrenti

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

David Attenborough is a man who, in a better world, would have been made dictator of the earth a few weeks after his birth. Alas, it wasn’t to be and six million Jews, 90 million Chinamen, a whole bunch of wildlife and the planet itself suffered for it terribly.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity – it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared – like some sort of maniac – that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful. David Attenborough is a man who, in a better world, would have been made dictator of the earth a few weeks after his birth. Alas, it wasn’t to be and six million Jews, 90 million Chinamen, a whole bunch of wildlife and the planet itself suffered for it terribly. His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence. But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.
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New Miley Cyrus Photos Hark Back To Her Less Slutty Days

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Gary Glitter has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system!

We will gawp and we will gawp and we will gawp; forever demanding more flesh; celebrating her when she supplies it to us and, once her supplies inevitably run out, we shall hound her to the depths of hell which, as Britney Spears’ll testify, is alive and well here on Earth.

And that is when the fun really begins. Mwa ha ha!

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Mark Ronson: Amy Winehouse Not Fit To Do James Bond Justice

by Paul Sorrenti

The planned Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson Bond-theme has been cancelled because, according to Ronson, when it comes to her current mental state, Amy can’t find a quantum of solace anywhere.

However, a spokesman for Winehouse has said that this isn’t the case and that the real reason is to do with a clash of interests regarding the development of the song, of which Amy had “other ideas”.

Is Amy telling the truth, or is it Mark? Who knows? As far as that argument goes, it’s probably best to live and let die.

It’s a terrible shame for all things Bond as, when it comes to musical collaborations, nobody does it better than Winehouse and Ronson.

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‘Paris Hilton’ Is A ‘Dumb-Assed Ni**er’

by Paul Sorrenti

Private Kerry Hylton, 33, a chef with the Welsh Guards who was nicknamed ‘Paris Hilton’ is suing the Army for racial discrimination. Initial rumours suggested Private Hylton earned the nickname after donning a blonde wig, a wonky eye and a Chihuahua for a video he made of himself giving oral sex to his Senior Chief [...]

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Lindsay Lohan ‘Pissed’ Over (Usage Of) Her Own Face

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan is pissed off because an image of her drunken, villainous face has been used in an effort to teach America that ‘not all alcohol users are as irresponsible as people like Lindsay Lohan’ in a full page advert in USA Today on Friday.

The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have Ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.

Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?

Madness.

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Paris Hilton Accused Of Flooring Photographer With Car

by Paul Sorrenti

paris hilton accused of hit and runBlonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police-report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

The incident is currently under investigation.

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Amy Winehouse’s Dad Wants Her Locked Up In A Mental Home

by Paul Sorrenti

Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived-bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ hospital, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospital was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

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Angelina Jolie’s Chubby Ankles Spark Pregnancy Health Scare

by Paul Sorrenti

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film.

That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were.

Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their resistless-sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so then, as they realize they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion.

But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got swollener in the sky.

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film. That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were. Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their resistless-sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so then, as they realize they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion. But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got swollener in the sky.
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Greatest News Since Sliced Bread: De Niro & Pacino To Star In Same Film

by Paul Sorrenti

pacino and de niro to star in same filmIt is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG.

That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My, God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society.

The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies.

But if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites then, right now, we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMG’s, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.

pacino and de niro to star in same filmIt is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG. That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My, God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society. The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies. But if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites then, right now, we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMG’s, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.
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