Private Kerry Hylton, 33, a chef with the Welsh Guards who was nicknamed ‘Paris Hilton’ is suing the Army for racial discrimination.

Initial rumours suggested Private Hylton earned the nickname after donning a blonde wig, a wonky eye and a Chihuahua for a video he made of himself giving oral sex to his Senior Chief Petty Officer which was leaked over the Army’s LAN.

But those rumours were immediately quashed by the irresponsible person who started them.

The true reason behind the nicknaming is entirely unclear as of yet, but one thing we do know for sure is that Private Hylton found the…

Lindsay Lohan is pissed off because an image of her drunken, villainous face has been used in an effort to teach America that ‘not all alcohol users are as irresponsible as people like Lindsay Lohan’ in a full page advert in USA Today on Friday.

The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have Ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.

Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?

Madness.

paris hilton accused of hit and runBlonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police-report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

The incident is currently under investigation.

Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived-bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ hospital, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospital was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film.

That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were.

Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their resistless-sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so then, as they realize they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion.

But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got swollener in the sky.

pacino and de niro to star in same filmIt is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG.

That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My, God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society.

The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies.

But if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites then, right now, we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMG’s, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.

Amy Winehouse is officially the weeks most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera.

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’ which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s on crack.

Come gather round children, for that most marvellous of phenomena has occurred once more. Britney Spears has got semi-naked in public. Hallelujah!

As we all know there are only two things that perpetuate the spinning of the earth on its axis these days – celebrities and naked girls.

They are everywhere, constantly vying for our attention. It’s a daily clash of the titans; one day naked girls will get a unanimous victory, only for celebrities to get their sweet revenge soon after, leaving a bloody pool of tits, ass and ego all over the streets in their wake.

The only time peace can be found is when the two of them merge their awesome powers together, creating that all powerful attention grabbing freak of nature that is: the naked-girl-celebrity.