It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* Hotel-funded conspiracy.

Fuck me pumps! Crack smoking millionaire Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when traveling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release April 29th.

The man responsible for some of the decades greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decades greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event – I’ll probably have a look’.

Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.

Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd – one poorly timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘Rocket up the arse’ heckle.

If you were to grab hold of any OAP and say “excuse me, OAP, but could you please give me your opinions on how the youth of today treat the English language” then that OAP will immediately reply “kids these days have lost all respect for the fine traditions of our proud language that was so lovingly leant to us by our Queen – it’s bloody disgusting!” and then turn their attentions back to Deal or No Deal before falling asleep for the rest of the week.

We have Jessica Simpson describing Scarlett Johansson as unbelievably talented, we have uneducated bloggers posting showbiz articles that infuriate the intense-grammar-loving public of America, and now the word ‘genius’ – once saved for people like Newton, Darwin, Einstein and Darren Anderton – has been used to describe Paris bloody Hilton.

The all singing, all dancing, bald umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the worlds media, Britney Spears, is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you – as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol – obviously.

Scarlett Johansson (the actress – and now singer – famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities!

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris and our Lindsay is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

No, of course they don’t. If they did humanity would have become extinct a long, long time ago.

It takes a good deal of effort to say ‘ah’ for that amount of time and with that amount of people. There are literally girlfriends out there, all over the world right now (possibly even reading this), who wouldn’t even say ‘ah’ to their own boyfriends for much more than a minute each week.

Sometimes less.

It has been a truly rubbish week to be Cameron Diaz.

First her father, Emilio, dies ‘suddenly’ of pneumonia at 58 years young; a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler. Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left us to mourn here alone, and as we cry away a river of pain the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity whore.

Fucking Men!