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Paul Sorrenti

50 Cent Don’t Like Alicia Keys Cos Alicia Keys Don’t Like Him

by Paul Sorrenti

50 Cent has responded to Alicia Keys’ comments about Gangsta Rap being ‘a government ploy to convince black people to kill each other’ in the only way he knows how – via the art of inarticulate, meat-headed ramblings that miss the point entirely.

Last week we reported that Alicia told Blender magazine that the murders of 2Pac and Biggie were a government conspiracy, and that all Gangsta’ rappers are basically being taken for a ride, the idiots.

Since then Alicia has issued a statement saying that her comments were “misrepresented”, but Blender spokeswoman Kate Cafaro told the Associated Press on Tuesday that “We stand by our story”.

Upon reading this it appears 50 Cent’s brain started hurting. He told The Showbuzz:

I don’t like Alicia Keys no more…the same reason why I said that I don’t like Oprah Winfrey. I’m prejudice(d). I don’t like people who don’t like me.

50 Cent has responded to Alicia Keys’ comments about Gangsta Rap being ‘a government ploy to convince black people to kill each other’ in the only way he knows how – via the art of inarticulate, meat-headed ramblings that miss the point entirely. Last week we reported that Alicia told Blender magazine that the murders of 2Pac and Biggie were a government conspiracy, and that all Gangsta’ rappers are basically being taken for a ride, the idiots. Since then Alicia has issued a statement saying that her comments were "misrepresented", but Blender spokeswoman Kate Cafaro told the Associated Press on Tuesday that “We stand by our story”. Upon reading this it appears 50 Cent’s brain started hurting. He told The Showbuzz: I don't like Alicia Keys no more…the same reason why I said that I don't like Oprah Winfrey. I'm prejudice(d). I don't like people who don't like me.
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Lindsay Lohan: ‘Daddy, Please Shut The Hell Up’

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which futilely battles each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind, for she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which futilely battles each day to keep her knickers together. This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act. Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind, for she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said: I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ - I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex. No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:
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Britney Spears In Truly Newsworthy Car Accident

by Paul Sorrenti

britney spears in truly newsworthy car accidentIf a regular person like you was to be involved in a car accident, the only way you could expect to make the headlines would be if it involved an overturned lorry, five squashed school kids, one heavily concussed granny and a rescue effort from Tom Cruise.

And even then you probably wouldn’t get a name mention, just simply be referred to as ‘man’, and if your really, really lucky that’ll be prefixed with a description of your race.

Whereas, if you’re Britney Spears, all you need do to start a worldwide ‘Car-crash!’ frenzy is gently kiss your bumper against the car in front, with not so much as one injury – fatal or otherwise – or even so much as a scratch on yours or any other persons vehicle.

The lucky bitch.

britney spears in truly newsworthy car accidentIf a regular person like you was to be involved in a car accident, the only way you could expect to make the headlines would be if it involved an overturned lorry, five squashed school kids, one heavily concussed granny and a rescue effort from Tom Cruise. And even then you probably wouldn’t get a name mention, just simply be referred to as ‘man’, and if your really, really lucky that’ll be prefixed with a description of your race. Whereas, if you’re Britney Spears, all you need do to start a worldwide ‘Car-crash!’ frenzy is gently kiss your bumper against the car in front, with not so much as one injury - fatal or otherwise - or even so much as a scratch on yours or any other persons vehicle. The lucky bitch.
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Paris Hilton’s MTV Reality Show To Be Axed?

by Paul Sorrenti

Paris Hilton Reality Show To Be Axed?Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt somewhat to do with hecklerspray’s article from last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

There were less than 40 people there.

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazi’s were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Paris Hilton Reality Show To Be Axed?Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show 'Paris Hilton’s My New BFF' (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit. This is no doubt somewhat to do with hecklerspray’s article from last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard. According to Trans World News, an insider said: There were less than 40 people there. This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazi’s were? They’ve certainly got more power.
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More Mental Than Ever Britney Spears To Remarry K-Fed?

by Paul Sorrenti

More Mental Than Ever Britney To Remarry K-Fed?Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers.

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

£69,000! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue”? Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

More Mental Than Ever Britney To Remarry K-Fed?Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers. And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present. £69,000! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I'm not your brother, I'm not your uncle, I'm Daddy do, Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue”? Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch. A fucking £69k time keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!
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Alicia Keys: Government Was Behind The 2Pac And Biggie Murders

by Paul Sorrenti

The world today is rife with conspiracy theories like never before. There are people out there who believe 9/11 was an inside job. There are people who believe the moon landing was staged.

There are people who think Jay-Z has profited from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered. And one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so we don’t have to.

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It’s Rumour Time: Beyonce Is Pregnant!

by Paul Sorrenti

Rumour has it that one single sperm out of the millions and millions found in Jay-Z’s roca-jizz has won the race to fertilize Beyonce’s little ovarian egg. According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside – a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And [...]

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Lindsay Lohan’s Mum: ‘You Will Not See My Daughter’s Vagina!’

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s mum, Dina Lohan, has dismissed reports that her daughter will be getting her fanny out for upcoming independent film Florence.

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out there for your consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Take a moment to spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

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Neil Patrick Harris: More Heaven-Scented Britney Spears On My Show, Please!

by Paul Sorrenti

Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article that suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother, by saying that what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

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Heath Ledger Was Framed?

by Paul Sorrenti

Heath Ledger Was Framed?A lawsuit filed in Los Angeles yesterday, by an unidentified freelance reporter from People magazine, claims that Heath Ledger was plied with cocaine and secretly filmed by a pair of undercover paparazzi.

It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust the three men went into the room of unspecific People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine.

Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.

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