Hey kids, remember back in school when your teacher told you to study hard and reap the rewards?

Well you can pretty much forget that now. Now that we think about it, you can pretty much knock over our desks, pull down our trousers and eat crisp sandwiches for eternity. You see, Amy Winehouse’s dad Mitch wants to dish out batches of mind-numbing heroin to us. Hooray.

McDonald’s seems to appear again and again on this feature.

Before you all think we must have got food poisoning off them once and subsequently hate Ronald McDonald, we don’t. Honestly, their advertising is just complete and utter pants. Nowadays, they have improved, but we’re still unconvinced that farmers hug all the cows before slashing their throats.

This time we’re travelling back to merry old 1978 where everyone in this advert seemed to be quite posh. Maybe McDonald’s wanted us to believe that people with class dined in their restaurants and not just scummy kids who’d steal the free straws, napkins…

Michael Jackson performing in London was meant to be the highlight of the summer.

Instead, we had to make do with Oasis splitting up. Which we were fine with, incidentally. Jackson was supposedly happy to play 50 dates at the O2, a feat that would test his physical and mental abilities.

That didn’t happen because, as you may have heard, Michael Jackson died. Still, as the trailer to for Michael Jackson’s This Is It movie shows, Michael was prancing all over the stage. Still, it doesn’t explain why he dropped down dead soon after.

This week, popstars seem to have taken a lot of flack.

On X Factor, Dannii Minogue tried to make a joke about one of the contestant’s sexuality. This epically failed, and now readers of The Daily Mail are flapping around and spilling cups of tea everywhere. Stephen Gately passed away naturally in his early thirties and horsealike Leona Lewis got belted. We assume it was off an angry Snow Patrol fan who didn’t like her cover version of Run.

Whilst these so called stars are pumped in to your brain at every given chance on TV/radio/sofa advert, it’s impossible to get away from them. Most of the…

Summer has gone and now we’re in autumn – the season we consider to be bisexual.

It’s perfectly clear that Peter Andre likes humans with genitals that are the opposite of his.

Take his famous pop song Mysterious Girl. We’ve been able to deceiver that this song is about women. In the song he wants to “get close” to this Mysterious Girl, but why? Did she smell nice? Or had she just baked a pie?

Either way, Peter Andre knows the difference between men and women, and that’s something he’s keen to pass onto his children. So he’s got something else to squeeze into a few episodes of his rubbish ITV2 show. You see, Peter isn’t overly keen…

Slick sounding hippity hop beats and soulful R&B doesn’t normally come out of the UK. When it does, it normally has a raw edge carved into the production.

And an annoying moron chanting “Brixton/Leicester Square crew” over the top. Hudson Mohawke makes instrumental music that sounds like the above, but it doesn’t quite sound like the styles listed above.

We hate things that mislead or confuse us. Just the other week we decided to dine out at an all you can eat restaurant.

Pay your money and grab a plate, that’s the basic premise. Simple or what? Apparently not in our case. Many hours later, the management asked us to leave as we’d supposedly had too much and were ruining everything for everyone else. We beg to differ.

As far as we can remember, The Jackson 5 was made up of Marlon, Jackie, Tito, Michael and Jermaine. Quite recently, one of the members passed away, thus destroying anything that can kind of…