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Articles by Matthew Laidlow

The Spice Girls To Disappointingly Open 2012 Olympics
Monday, 2 Nov, 2009 – 16:00 | One Comment
The Spice Girls To Disappointingly Open 2012 Olympics

Spice Girls Comeback Tour VancouverWhen London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.

Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.

There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed…

MySpace Trawl – Mike D Chill
Friday, 30 Oct, 2009 – 16:00 | No Comment
MySpace Trawl – Mike D Chill

l_899f703f768e4364b40b1d78f471b93bThis is so ghetto that the fierce rhymes and raw beats have physically hurt our stomachs. Mike D Chill wants our pussy every day and every night, he wants it because it’s so damn tight.

Well Mr Mike D Chill, the joke is on you. We don’t have female genitalia. The only penetrable organ we have is our bumhole. And even then you’ll have to navigate the overgrown layers of matted hair that are in the way. Damn.

For more:

Mike D Chill MySpace

Celebrating Halloween This Weekend? Then This Man Hates You
Thursday, 29 Oct, 2009 – 15:00 | 2 Comments
Celebrating Halloween This Weekend? Then This Man Hates You

Halloween, BibleOctober’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various…

Gary Glitter To Be Hanged On TV For Our Amusement
Thursday, 29 Oct, 2009 – 10:00 | One Comment
Gary Glitter To Be Hanged On TV For Our Amusement

Gary Glitter, Gary Glitter hanged, Channel 4Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records.

But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him.

However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.

X Factor Plebs To Release Michael Jackson Song
Tuesday, 27 Oct, 2009 – 10:00 | No Comment
X Factor Plebs To Release Michael Jackson Song

Michael Jackson, X Factor, Michael Jackson X FactorWhat do Michael Jackson and STDs have in common? They are both annoying and won’t go away. No matter how much you itch, apply cream and shower. Oh, that might just be our crabs.

Genuinely, we thought Michael Jackson’s This Is It film would be the last from him. We’d get to laugh at the fake footage of him jumping from bridges, swinging from buildings and making fans believe he wasn’t drugged up and close to being in a coma. Now we’ve heard word that Michael Jackson is making a technical comeback with this year’s X Factor monkeys. All for charity of course.…

Will Smith Wants To Jazz Up EastEnders
Monday, 26 Oct, 2009 – 15:00 | One Comment
Will Smith Wants To Jazz Up EastEnders

Will Smith, EastendersEveryone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal.

Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend?

Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.

MySpace Trawl – Nic Dawson Kelly
Friday, 23 Oct, 2009 – 16:00 | No Comment
MySpace Trawl – Nic Dawson Kelly

MY-PICTURE-1One of the best things about writing these features is that we can mess around for the first couple of paragraphs by telling really rubbish jokes.

You know, we’ll harp on for a while about something that is vaguely connected about the object/thing/person we’re talking about and then swing everything back round. We’re clever like that. It also makes people think we know what we’re doing.

With this week’s MySpace Trawl, we don’t however need to badger on about anything. Nic Dawson Kelly simply delivers a no nonsense musical product.

Amy Winehouse’s Dad Wants To Give You Free Heroin
Wednesday, 21 Oct, 2009 – 10:00 | 5 Comments
Amy Winehouse’s Dad Wants To Give You Free Heroin

amy-winehouse-spaghettiHey kids, remember back in school when your teacher told you to study hard and reap the rewards?

Well you can pretty much forget that now. Now that we think about it, you can pretty much knock over our desks, pull down our trousers and eat crisp sandwiches for eternity. You see, Amy Winehouse’s dad Mitch wants to dish out batches of mind-numbing heroin to us. Hooray.

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