If you had to compile a list of all the scary things out there, first down on the paper would probably be things like spiders, ghosts, Sharon Osbourne and terrorist attacks, but Jessica Simpson? Really?
If the things in Jessica Simpson's head were real, then Jessica Simpson would be the most terrifying thing in the whole world. Also, degree courses would be taught about the mise-en-scene of the These Boots Are Made For Walking pop video and everyone's skin would be painted orange in homage to her, but that's beside the point. Jessica Simpson says that all men are scared of her. But it's OK, because Jessica Simpson has also revealed that she's completely in love with herself.
On the surface, Jessica Simpson is perfect girlfriend material, in that she's loaded, she's got a brilliant pair of breasts that even her own Dad can't stop dribbling over and she seems a bit thick. Plus she's been through a messy divorce, so she's probably quite vulnerable. Seriously, who could want more than that?
But it just isn't happening for Jessica Simpson. Since she and Nick Lachey finally split up last year, Jessica Simpson just hasn't found anyone to ruthlessly exploit into making a TV show with her love. There may have been Bam Margera, and if you suggest that she quite likes John Mayer, Jessica Simpson will goddamn well sack your ass. Now, it's celebrity protocol that, following a high-profile split, popstars should write a bunch of songs to make everyone feel sorry for them – look at the new Nick Lachey CD, entitled I Can't Believe You Left Me You Big-Jawed Witch or something – but Jessica Simpson has knackered her voice, so singing's out. Instead, Jessica Simpson is promoting her new A Public Affair album by telling people like disappointing car-crash survivor Ellen DeGeneres how intimidating she is to men:
"I think I'm too hard to be in love with. It ends up on the cover of every magazine. I scare people away. I'm a lot to take on."
Well, it's either that scaring people away or your manjaw, your inability to land a decent acting job and your creepy Dad only ever talking to people about your tits. Still, knowing full-well that describing yourself as a terrifying man-scarer doesn't sell records, Jessica Simpson then went on to tell Ellen all about the rest of her life in a way so bland you'll probably have to read it two or three times to even notice it's there:
"I'm proud of the marriage that I had and I think that Nick is an amazing man. I regret nothing and it made me who I am right now. And right now who I am, I am so in love with. I am so happy with who I am. It's all about the journey… I wish I was in love. I need to be in love. I'm a good person – I promise!"
Perhaps Jessica Simpson is being a bit too hard on herself here. Sure, she scares men off, but that's not the half of it – we've been using a loop of These Boots Are Made For Walking as a catch-all deterrent lately, so we know for a fact that Jessica Simpson also scares off cats, birds, unwelcome Jehovah's Witnesses and – in one rare example – the actual tide of the sea. Attagirl, Jessica.
Read more:
Jessica Simpson: I Scare Guys Away – People
[story by Stuart Heritage]
Sash says
LOL! I think your websites wicked. Taking the mick out of celebs whoever wrote this should get a pay rise! :P