Jessica Simpson isn't just a bumbling, stupid-mouthed, manjawed, divorced reality TV dingbat, you know. Jessica Simpson is actually a bumbling, stupid-mouthed, manjawed divorced reality TV dingbat who sometimes sings a bit.
Every know and again, God sends a song down from heaven on a golden cloud and into Jessica Simpson's lungs, ready for her to beautifully exhale it back to the world. Only, last time this happened, there was a bit of a mix-up and God accidentally sent down Holiday by Madonna instead. Jessica Simpson covered it all up by renaming the song A Public Affair, and she would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for a badly-timed bout of laryngitis which has decimated Jessica Simpson's publicity push and disappointed the three weirdos that actually like Jessica Simpson for her music.
Jessica Simpson, believe it or not, was originally a singer. All that other stuff, like failing to star in Dallas or failing to become a Bond Girl or having her creepo Dad enthuse a little too hard about her tits came from singing. Well, OK, it came from that awful MTV Newlyweds reality TV show, but that came from singing. We think. Look, sometimes Jessica Simpson sings, OK?
And the great thing about Jessica Simpson's music is that it never fails to reflect the state of her personal life at the time of release. Back when she was just a pop moppet who looked a bit like Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson released Irresistible – I might look like all the rest, it said, but eventually you'll all fall under my big-jawed spell. Then, when Jessica Simpson was happily sucking up the MTV millions while exploiting her marriage, there was With You, a nauseating paean to then-husband Nick Lachey. And then, when Jessica Simpson may or may not have been having it off with everyone from Jackass, there was the vixenish – ie really dreadful – These Boots Are Made For Walking.
Following Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's split, Nick got in on the act too, all but calling his new single Boo Hoo My Wife Left Me, and now Jessica Simpson has hit back with A Public Affair. Although musically A Public Affair by Jessica Simpson is to Madonna what your local Alabama Star Fried Chicken kebab house is to KFC, it does have the word 'affair' in the title. What could it all mean? Oh, who cares, Jessica Simpson's throat is too knackered to sing it anyway.
Jessica Simpson has been stuck down with a bruised vocal chord, which means that most of her promotional push for A Public Affair has hit the skids. A live concert at the New York Rockafeller Plaza has been rescheduled, as has a spot on David Letterman, and a performance on MTV TRL has now been downgraded to a 'chat'. And Jessica Simpson's slave Rob Shuter is spitting feathers:
"Jessica has lost her voice on the eve of her album release. We hope she can recover. The timing could not have been worse."
You read that? They only hope that Jessica Simpson's sore throat will recover. Because doctors say it might not. A source told People:
"If she does not observe vocal rest, she could lose her voice forever. Her party is (Tuesday) night. If she goes to the party, she won't be able to talk."
We know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
[story by Stuart Heritage]