For some unknown reason, there's a movie remake of Dallas on the way. If that wasn't bad enough, it's being directed by the woman who put Bend It Like Beckham together. There's not a lot of positives we can take from this.
Except one – according to reports, Jessica Simpson was in the running to play Lucy Ewing. We don't need to explain to you how awful that would be – from having to stare at Jessica Simpson's giant manjaw projected onto a huge screen to listening to the awful mewling cash-in single that she'd try to punt around, Jessica Simpson would have been the worst thing about the Dallas movie. And since John Travolta's probably going to be in it, that's really going some. But, with a song in our heart, we can reveal that Jessica Simpson won't be starring in the Dallas film after all.
The role of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas film was one of the most hotly-contested in recent Hollywood history – the part of a young bubbleheaded nitwit who has sex with her uncle and then gets raped by a psychopath just appealed to the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Kristin Cavallari, who were all rumoured to be interested in playing Lucy.
But no name was more closely linked to Lucy Ewing than Jessica Simpson. On paper she was perfect – the ridiculously large hair, the creepy, overbearing father, the string of broken relationships behind her. Plus, Jessica Simpson has the second-best tits in Hollywood, and that's talent you just can't buy. However, in real life Jessica Simpson is a mediocre popstar who got famous for being stupid on a reality TV show and whose only movie outing so far was a role in the awful Dukes Of Hazzard remake.
That's presumably the reason why Jessica Simpson won't be in Casino Royale, and that's presumably the reason why Jessica Simpson didn't get the role in the Dallas film either. Instead, playing Lucy will Katie Cassidy! Hooray! No, we have no idea who Katie Cassidy is, either, but IMDB tells us she's been in When A Stranger Calls, a film that topped the US weekend box office even though roughly zero people went to see it. Will she be a good Katie Ewing in the Dallas movie?
Who cares – so long as she isn't Jessica Simpson, we're fairly content.
[story by Stuart Heritage]