First the good news – there’s a Grey’s Anatomy sex tape. Now the bad news – it stars nobody you’ve ever heard of.
Unless you watch Grey’s Anatomy, that is. In which case you have our sympathies. Anyway, this Grey’s Anatomy sex tape stars none other than Eric Dane, who apparently plays someone called Mark Sloan, along with his wife and a former Miss United States Teen winner.
However, don’t get your hopes up too much, because everyone in the sex tape is too mumbling to themselves on drugs to actually have any sex. Also, his wife is sort of ugly.
It’s a letdown, isn’t it? When you first heard that there was a Grey’s Anatomy sex tape making its way around the internet, you were probably hoping that it starred Katherine Heigl. Or the other skinny woman. Or the Asian one from Sideways. Or the loud homophobe. Or even the one with the nice hair who seems to be in every single bloody television commercial all the bloody time forever. Additionally, you were probably hoping that there’d be some sex in it.
Sorry to burst your bubble. Instead the Grey’s Anatomy sex tape stars Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart and former beauty queen turned former Aaron Carter fianc?e Kari Ann Peniche. And any form of sexual intimacy is eschewed in favour of naked stoned-seeming sixth-form blather about what each of their porn names would be. Honestly, it’s rubbish. It makes the Gene Simmons sex tape look like the most profoundly erotic piece of art ever created. It makes the Fred Durst sex tape look marginally arousing.
So why all the fuss about it? Well, for one it makes Eric Dane look like a prize tool, so discussing it is a sweet revenge for his part in bringing Marley & Me into the world. But mainly it’s because of this perfect quote about the tape from Eric Dane’s lawyer Marty Singer, who might actually be our new hero:
“From what I’ve seen it’s a naked tape, not a sex tape. At most it’s 3 people maybe wanting to have sex.”
Three people maybe wanting to have sex. Truly the Grey’s Anatomy sex tape is the era-closing Altamont to the glorious Woodstock that was Naked Vanessa Hudgens and Naked Ashley Greene and Thankfully-Clothed Heidi Montag. Oh Eric Dane, why couldn’t you be teenage and female instead of old and ballsacky?
Still, this is what we’ve come to expect from Grey’s Anatomy – in the past we’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy stars fight, get sacked because they didn’t like homosexuals, get sacked because they played homosexuals and generally bitch and whine to the media about everything that ever happens to them. So the Grey’s Anatomy sex tape is just another sign that what happens to the show’s cast is infinitely more interesting that what happens to the characters.
Admittedly that’s not exactly saying much – we’ve seen leaky radiators with more magnetic charisma than all of the Grey’s Anatomy characters combined – but it’s still a sort of fair point.
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Aaron says
Excuse me but shouldn’t the real issue here be the fact they are HIGH AS KITES on drugs. Have we fallen so far that this is just irrelevant? The press vilified Heigl for talking about working long hours yet Dane has drug fuelled threesomes and its OK? Disgraceful.
Sunny says
Sooo, Aaron you have issue with drug-fuelled threesomes, it seems. Shame.