What a week this has been for gratuitous celebrity nudity! Vanessa Hudgens got naked! Ashley Greene got naked!
And that’s it. No other celebrities have got naked. Yes, technically we know that Heidi Montag has a six-page spread in Playboy this month, but we won’t count her because a) the day that we consider Heidi Montag to be a celebrity is the day that we take up misery-stricken self-harming and b) Heidi Montag didn’t actually get naked in Playboy.
The news will come as a profound disappointment to all red-blooded men. No, wait, Heidi Montag fans. No? Oh, that’s right – nobody. Sorry.
When Heidi Montag – of The Hills and pathetically overdramatic reaction to a slightly dark room fame – announced earlier this year that she was considering a Playboy shoot, the world waited with baited breath. Baited breath is the thing you do right before you vomit blood into a stranger’s lap, isn’t it? No? OK, whatever, disregard this paragraph.
What actually happened when Heidi Montag announced that she was considering a Playboy shoot is that it took nine days for the news to get back to Michael Jackson, and then Michael Jackson died. Coincidence? You can be the judge of that.
Anyway, the good news is that Heidi Montag’s Playboy photos have finally been published. And the better news is that we don’t have to look at her manky nipples or grotty clodge any time soon – because Heidi has steadfastly refused to get properly undressed. But the worst news is that once she’s installed a fresh set of bangers, Heidi Montag will return to Playboy as naked as the day she was born except for the couple of ridiculous-looking silicone watermelons artificially rammed under her skin. US Magazine reports:
Although the racy photos that made it into the mag are PG-13 (she’s wearing skimpy lingerie or a tiny bikini), she says she’ll strip down completely after getting more plastic surgery. “The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades.”
Ah yes, Heidi Montag is right. The body is such a beautiful creation. But only when it’s been dyed, shaved and stuffed full of heat-resistant man-made polymers. We think the Hoover Dam is a pretty creation beautiful, too, but that’s not to say that it wouldn’t look a lot better with a set of gigantic tits hanging off the side, either. We’re completely with Heidi Montag here. Completely.
Anyway, we happen to be really excited about Heidi Montag’s next, fully naked, Playboy shoot. Because now we live in a world where the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Greene are quick to unleash their lawyers on anybody who publishes their naked photos – so we’re quite looking forward to getting our own back by suing Heidi Montag for the irreversible damage that the sight of her vinegary knockers will probably have on our brains and central nervous systems.
Tommy2face says
What a hizzore.
The Dude says
Ahh, how I love Stuart’s commentary. I couldn’t have said it better myself. This girl is absolutely ridiculous and so is her tool “husband”. They’re both way up on my list of people I’d love to punch in the face, right along with the Jonas Bros.
sheepypie says
She was chewed up and squeezed out the @$$h0le of the entertainment industry pretty quickly. I only know who she is because her damn name was everywhere after that “marriage.” Does anyone think her Ken-Doll husband is straight? I knew Playboy would be next. Now she’ll do some “artistic” indie movies..you know the type…before becoming warped and deformed by too much plastic surgery and fading into sad, drug-addled obscurity. The body is a beautiful creation, which is why I must alter it in order to feel comfortable? She needs psychological help. A tip to all the aspiring Heidis out there – if you are TRULY comfortable with your body, you won’t feel the need to get naked for the world. Saying that it’s “liberating” is just a bs way of announcing that you are insecure and need approval.
Demolition says
they call them upgrades now?
halo says
what a waste of carbon. actually Dude I wouldn’t bother punching her or the husband. 10p bet you can give her tool husband a nasty look and reduce him to the face Stu uses so beautifully for heidi’s photo at the top.