Want to become famous? OK, here’s how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit.
Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she’s finally achieved fame, it’s time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy.
What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.
Right now it’s the done thing to be rude about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but you know what? We’re not going to rise to it. In our opinion Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are brilliant. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. To be more accurate they’re the totally unwanted gift that keeps on giving even though you’ve exasperatedly threatened it with violence unless it stops giving, but a gift’s a gift.
Heidi and Spencer’s propensity of attention-seeking whiny awfulness is bottomless. They were awful on The Hills, more awful when they attempted to launch a musical career, even more awful when they decided to get married and somehow even more awful than that when their stint on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here ended with Heidi Montag crying and vomiting semi-digested bean-clods down herself because she didn’t like being in a room with some spiders.
But that’s it, right? That’s as awful as either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt are prepared to get, right? Wrong. You appear to have ruled out the possibility that Heidi Montag will strip naked and pose for Playboy soon. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is so aneurysm-inducingly awful that you probably shouldn’t think about it for very long. Here’s Heidi Montag discussing it on The View:
“I would do it very tastefully, and not necessarily nude… It is a very reputable magazine. Many people have done it. I cannot technically confirm, I would love to do it, I might have done it.”
It’s not really a surprise that Heidi Montag was approached to appear in Playboy, given that she’s got blonde hair and more than three people know her name – which does seem to be the magazine’s policy at the moment – but we can’t work out why she chose to accept the offer at this precise moment in time.
After all, aren’t Playboy shoots usually reserved for celebrities on the wane? Surely Heidi Montag isn’t admitting that puking up because she didn’t like the quality of her accommodation has made her as famous as she’ll ever be. Surely rather than get naked for Playboy she should maximise on her current notoriety to become even more famous by, say, manually bringing a farm animal to orgasm for a cable TV show or making a direct-to-DVD film that nobody ever watches all the way through. You know, something big-time.
Still, at least Playboy is getting something out of this Heidi Montag shoot. After all, considering the financial difficulties that it reportedly faces, it needs a good back-up plan. And if there’s a better way to repel bailiffs than stacks and stacks of unsold pictures of Heidi Montag’s naked breasts, we’d like to hear it.
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Janus D says
Thank the LORD she has such Divine guidance! Can’t wait for Spencer’s full frontal Catholic Digest! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe Miller says
And I will be the unfamous photographer shooting Heidi for Playboy!
Hugh, Christne, are either of you listening?
I’ll take the pictures of Heidi for free for Playboy!
Jenn says
I’m guessing somebody runs into her at the Strasberg Institute in five years – working on her breakfast drink exercise and her animal . . . “the cutest little pit viper you ever say . . . gee, I love the zoo!” Maybe she’ll work out her stuff with Al Roker, “Poopy face! Weather man! Whatever!”
Deal is that celebutantes and their suck-up male companions make me ill enough to swear off food and turn fat me into Gandhi-me in a mere 60 days.
The fact that they e x i s t . . . yeeeisshhhhichhh! . . . that they sit there, smug, Revlon-goo-drenched poochy lips . . . Rodeo Drive Trash . . .
God help us all!
I can just smell the potpourri tried-on counter sample scents . . . my eyes, my nostrils are burning . . . talk about sense memory!
And is it . . . a stage name? Montag? It means Monday in German. Heidi Monday? Really?
Please make it stop. Please. Somebody. Anybody? Please.