Hey Nostradamus fans, you know that prophesy about the world ending after the union of the objectionable self-regarding nitwits?
Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.
But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.
He might be one of the most unquestionably awful people on television – and one of the most universally disliked – but Spencer Pratt is, at heart a decent man. Yes, he might be a braying overprivileged clot who uses what little fame he has to sneer about his peers in public like some sort dreadful oafish twat, but occasionally he’ll do something so disarmingly sweet that it’ll cause everyone to rethink their opinion of him.
Like recently, for example, when Spencer Pratt decided that he’d do the decent thing for the sake of mankind and marry his equally awful girlfriend from The Hills, Heidi Montag, simply because it’d reduce the chances of other men getting drunk, sleeping with her, waking up the next morning and tearing all the skin off their faces with their fingernails while screaming “Oh God, what have I DONE?” in a bitter attack of regret and self-loathing.
So, yes, Spencer Pratt has married Heidi Montag in a Cabo ceremony so secret that not even Heidi’s parents were told about it, presumably because they had the means to launch a full-scale military intervention to stop the whole sorry thing from happening if they ever caught wind of it.
Judging by the wedding photos, both bride and groom managed to make an effort to look as beautiful as possible during the wedding. Heidi Montag looked angelic in a flowing white dress, and Spencer Pratt grew a beard that made him look like a bit like the Bigfoot from Harry And The Hendersons. USmagazine reports:
At the altar, Pratt told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”
We give it six months.
Oh, we’re kidding. A year, tops. Anyway, even for cold-hearted bastards like us it’s hard not to mist up reading Spencer Pratt’s wedding vows back – from the distracting repetition of the word ‘life’ at the beginning to the weird sun/earth analogy that seems to suggest that one day Heidi Montag is going to get massive, literally swallow Spencer Pratt whole and then die, it’s non-stop romance all the way.
But enough about Spencer Pratt. Heidi Montag, you were involved in all of this too – quickly, say something that when taken out of context will make it seem like you only realised what a monstrous turd Spencer Pratt is when it was too late to go back:
“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying.”
That’s right, Heidi, good girl.
Seriously, six months.
Chris says
I’m confused…. The girl is hot. What’s the problem with her?
Beth says
If you ever watched The Hills, you would know what’s wrong with her. I only stopped watching that show when I realized it would be at least another couple seasons before Spencer snapped, killed her, and then ate her. All because his creepy flesh-colored beard told him to.
Starcasm says
Heidi and Spencer = most boring people ever. Even her paper doll is boring!
http://starcasm.net/archives/1849