Gene Simmons Sex Tape Officially Least Sexy Thing Ever

Gene Simmons Sex Tape Kiss InternetLook up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary and you'll find the definition 'Gene Simmons out of Kiss half-heartedly schtupping a fake-titted bimbo to the strains of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.'

Having trouble visualising that? Don't be – because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.

Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.

Gene Simmons makes no secret of the fact that he's probably had sex with every female on the face of the planet at least once, including all female animals and your mother. And chances are you're probably wondering how a man with hair that dire manages it.

Well, now an alleged Gene Simmons sex tape has been released to the internet, and his secrets have finally been revealed to the world. And they mainly seem to involve moving really slowly, 1980s soft rock powerballads, keeping your T-shirt on, not taking the chewing gum out of your mouth, being repeatedly refused kisses and generally giving off the impression that you hate every single minute of it.

Anyway, we're rushing ahead of ourselves. Listen – there's a Gene Simmons sex tape on the internet. Gene Simmons from Kiss. A Gene Simmons sex tape. Take that thought in. Savour it. Now run to the toilet, throw up and we'll carry on.

According to the website that it surfaced on, the Gene Simmons sex tape captures an encounter between Gene and some bimbo who helps flog energy drinks. It explains things so much better than we ever could:

What is Gene's Secret? Actually, it's a WHO, and she is a hot little Austrian babe, named Elsa. She is a model, and one of the Frank's Energy Drink Girls, a brand which Gene endorses (apparently to fuel his sex drive.) Elsa and Gene party like rockstars, and we have it all here, EXCLUSIVELY on GenesSecret.com. Elsa loves to Yodel, she loves Octoberfest, maple syrup and Rock & Roll! And of course, she loves Gene's Family Jewels… and even his reality show.

Sources suggest that Gene Simmons is furious that his sex tape has been made public, and this could be for several reasons. Perhaps the tape wounded Gene Simmons' dignity, or perhaps he's just fuming that he hasn't made any money out of it. Or perhaps – just perhaps – he's frightened that viewers of the Gene Simmons sex tape will watch it and realise that they're probably quite a lot better at sex than Gene appears to be.

If Gene Simmons really is as angry about the sex tape as he's reported to be, then we can expect the tape to be removed from the internet pretty sharpish. So take it all in while you can – the music, the movements, the jaded facial expressions that suggests Gene just wants to go home and have a nice cup of tea. More real than the Meg White Sex tape with less of a disgusting poo fixation than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape, catch the Gene Simmons sex tape now. Permanent loss of libido or your money back.

Fleshbot has Gene Simmons sex tape clips. They're obviously not safe for work, or for anyone with eyes, or for anyone who doesn't really, really like Foreigner.

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Comments

  1. gir says

    Crown your king of unsexy if you like; I’m holding out for the Dog the Bounty Hunter sex tape. The one where she’s crying, and it isn’t because he’s sprayed her in the eyes with mace.