It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.
Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”
Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.
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Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.
In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.
Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.
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Films, eh? Who doesn’t love a good film? Earlier today, we told you about Warner Bros. plan to remake Point Break, making it everyone’s least anticipated film of 2014. However, films have started competing with each other which makes everything so much more exciting! Especially when the respective casts both hate one another.
Luckily, the casts of the two competing Snow White movies have been trading barbed remarks like they’re pogs since the two alarmingly similar films were announced. Lily Collins, star of The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, has hit out at Kristen Stewart, claiming the Twlight star will be “perfect” as Snow White and is looking forward to seeing the two versions of the classic fairytale.
Oooh, what a bit- aw, wait. Hang on a minute.
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Who can honestly say that they don’t dream nightly about Robert Pattinson making creaky, lustless love to Kristen Stewart?
Oh come on, we know you do. And it’s fine: there’s absolutely no shame in subconsciously picturing what is basically a skeleton wrapped in bleached parchment paper humping on a girl whose O-face is almost certainly the same as all of her other faces (that is: “This is my first dump in five days, and it feels like it’s doing some irreparable damage to my nipsy“.)
Well listen up, you lucky perverts: the Twilight screenwriter has only come out and claimed that the next film will be a horrifically sexualised version of the book, with boobs and bums and everything.
Maybe even a glimpse of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples, if you’re lucky.
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Next month’s London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse should have been amazing. Robert Pattinson would be there.
Kristen Stewart would be there. At least one of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples may have been down as a heavy pencil. The whole thing should have been so incredibly star-studded that it was bound to provoke enough involuntary urination to make the City of Westminster look like that bit from 2012 where the White House gets taken out by a tsunami.
But that dream is in tatters now. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner have decided that they won’t be attending the London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse. Stewart and Lautner we can understand, but what’s Robert Pattinson’s excuse? That he’s washing his hair? Oh, hardly.
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Imagine what it’s like being a star of Twilight who isn’t Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart or Taylor Lautner.
It must be crap. The producers could replace you whenever they wanted, you’re constantly being overshadowed on the red carpet, and nobody has so much as urinated down themselves for you, let alone carved a rudimentary image of your face into their forearm with the remnants of a broken milk bottle. Yep, being a peripheral Twilight figure must be crap.
But at least it’s well paid. After some frosty contract negotiations, Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz – who play two vaguely inessential characters in the Twilight franchise – have finally signed up to star in Breaking Dawn for a highly increased fee. So when you come to watch Breaking Dawn, be thankful that Greene and Lutz are in it instead of two other people who are just as equally forgettable but slightly less greedy.
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We cannot wait for Eclipse to be released. We mean that. It’s going to be the highlight of our entire lives.
What’ll happen in Eclispe? We just don’t know! Obviously we could just read the book, but what’s the point of that? How many of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples will we see in the book, huh? None, that’s how many. Hey Stephenie Meyer, sellotape some of Taylor Lautner’s nipples into your stupid books and maybe we’ll think about reading them, OK?
But Eclipse isn’t out for, like, a million years. And so we just have to take what we’re given, like the three brand new still photos from Eclipse. They’re awesome! Five people sort of stand around in one of them, and two people sort of stand around in another one of them, and three people sort of stand around in another one of them. Wanna see? OK! They’re AWESOME!
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Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!
We’re SO EXCITED! So when we heard that there was an Eclipse teaser trailer on the internet, we almost wet our pants. Then we watched it, realised that nothing actually happens in it and wet our pants anyway because OH GOD IT’S ROBERT PATTINSON! He looks even more like a creepy aristocratic heroin addict than EVER! Eclipse is going to RULE so HARD!
But anyway, we’ve decided to break down the new Eclipse teaser trailer into all its important parts for you. Why, because we love you. No, not really – we actually find you sort of repulsive. But arse-all else has happened today, and we’d be foolish not to take the chance to wind up some boggle-eyed 13-year-old girls when the opportunity presented itself, wouldn’t we?
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