Who can honestly say that they don’t dream nightly about Robert Pattinson making creaky, lustless love to Kristen Stewart?
Oh come on, we know you do. And it’s fine: there’s absolutely no shame in subconsciously picturing what is basically a skeleton wrapped in bleached parchment paper humping on a girl whose O-face is almost certainly the same as all of her other faces (that is: “This is my first dump in five days, and it feels like it’s doing some irreparable damage to my nipsy“.)
Well listen up, you lucky perverts: the Twilight screenwriter has only come out and claimed that the next film will be a horrifically sexualised version of the book, with boobs and bums and everything.
Maybe even a glimpse of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples, if you’re lucky.
Ah, yes, the tricky issue of the last Twilight book is upon us. Assuming you’re not a 13-year-old girl with a weak bladder, or a 35-year-old woman with two thousand cats and a weak bladder, let us enlighten you about this conundrum.
You see, the first three of Stephenie Meyer‘s books about pretty vampires were entirely sexless. That’s not how Hollywood works though, so the movie versions hired Taylor Lautner’s nipples to provide some sex electrons. Luckily for Hollywood – and for tweenaged girls – by the time she got to the fourth book, Stephenie Meyer had grown so weary of writing about clothes shop mannequins getting all emo with each other that she was compelled to introduce a saucy little sex scene between the two main characters.
And that brings us to the news: Melissa Rosenberg, the screenwriter working on the last installment (Twilight: Breaking Dawn), has been quoted by E! Online as saying that the next movie…
“…will be sexier….I think we can get awfully sexy with a PG-13. I think it’s going to be pretty hot. Way hot!”
Yeah, baby! An awfully sexy PG-13 film is exactly what we want the next Twilight movie to be! In fact, we’ve thought long and hard (titter) about this, and have some ideas for Melissa Rosenberg:
Idea 1. Twilight: Breaking Dawn shows the passion which Robert Pattinson genuinely feels for his co-star Kristen Stewart. To maintain the movie’s PG-13 rating, sex scenes between RoPa and KriStew are body-doubled by one of the Easter Island statues and a pony with colic. Taylor Lautner’s nipples are positioned slightly out of camera shot, whispering dirty phrases like “fill her fanny“, “bum spigot“, and “yeah, fart in his face, that is so hot“.
Idea 2: Twilight: Breaking Dawn is re-imagined as a full-on wank flick, wherein Kristen Stewart plays Dawn, a recently-divorced woman who is seduced by her plumber (Robert Pattinson) into doing filthy sexthings while Taylor Lautner’s nipples hide in the spice cupboard, watching.
Idea 3: Twilight:Breaking Dawn is filmed as an homage to Taylor Lautner’s nipples. The film consists of three hours of closeup, hi-definition video of Taylor Lautner’s nipples while he does some extreme chest exercises. Watch as every push-up is captured in exquisite detail, allowing the viewer to witness each individual bead of sweat forming around the areolae, engorging until it finally reaches critical mass and drops – in delicious slow motion – to the gym bench beneath.
You’re welcome, Twilight: Breaking Dawn producers. Just be sure to credit us, and do let us know when the filthflick will be available in Dirty Mick’s Scuzz Emporium.
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hecklerspray is gay says
Way to talk about Taylor Lautners nipples. Half the time it’s “Taylor Lautners nipples this” and “Taylor Lautners nipples that!” Here’s my ideas about this.
Idea 1: Your gay.
Idea 2: Your jealous about some guys body and feel the need to complain about it because your some 40 year old man that makes fun of everything because your sad and alone.
Idea 3: Your trying to start something to attract attention so people will read your trash stories. Unfortunetly, its coming true, I cant help but feel the need to say something, but only because of how terribly thought out this little “story” was in a feeble attempt to upset the Twilight Fans and Stephenie Meyer.
Please get a real job that doesnt require bashing on someones hard work and others relief. And also get the entire interview the Breaking Dawns producer to find out the true intentions. Thank You
Flangepiece says
It never ceases to amaze me just how many people get so worked up over a series of films about Marmite flavoured crunchy sticks.
Kaitlyn says
This is going to be epic and awsome. And steph could you plese make a book after breaking dawn so we know what happens to jacob and renessmme, they should have a kid and that kid would be frekin awsome
Pingu says
Jesus y do people bother leaving ridiculous long comments abt how hecklerspray shud get a life and all, u kno that’s wat to expect wen they write an article abt twilight so just don’t read it of you have a problem
robot says
It’s ‘YOU’RE gay’ and ‘YOU’RE jealous’- as in a contraction of YOU and ARE, not a pronoun. YOU’RE not helping to disprove the idea that Twilight is breeding an army of illiterate idiots (maybe Meyer was hinting to that when she wrote about the idiot kiddy vampire army in Twilight 3).
I would pay to see Taylor Lautner’s nipples hiding in a spice cupboard.
Emma says
I am in hysterics with your story. Where did you go to schools? Love it. I am not a fan of HW gossips but I do read your stories for the feast of great humor. Thanks again!
julie says
I am reading this at work and I cannot stop laughing so I have to keep covering my giggles with fake coughs.
Dr. Goodbody says
I think that hecklerspray is gay is like…..really really fucking stupid. Perhaps even hecklerspray is gay, is gay! Really chief ya must get a grip. “HEY DONT MAKE FUN OF TWILIGHT COS LIKE STEPH MEYER IS SO SUPER TALENTED AND AND AND EVERYONES SO SUPER TALENTED AND HUNKY AND UR JUST JEALOUS!”
Idea 4: Get a sense of humour. Please. Ur mother must hate you!
Dale says
It never surprises me how many people pick on one person for expressing their feelings. It’s a comment about the article, not your opinion on another comment. Come on people, grow up and stay out of other people’s business. You should be ashamed.
Jerry says
5. You were adopted, kill yourself. :P
get a grip says
Mr. Literacy, how about you take YOUR comment and stick it up YOUR ass. Damn, I guess I know proper English, too!!
I says
Hey julie, here’s a thought, get back to work you lazy sack of shit?
WhoAreYou?! says
5. You must be adopted, you should kill yourself :P
ritika das says
the TWILIGHT series is an extra ordinary one and i really like it too much. The concepion 4 the story is really a nice once so hats off to STEPHENIE MEYER. Bt only writing a good story iis not enough it is also important that the acting should be carried out properly and 4 that reason i usually give a 1000 marks to ROBERT PATTINSON and KRISTEN STEWART.