Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!
We’re SO EXCITED! So when we heard that there was an Eclipse teaser trailer on the internet, we almost wet our pants. Then we watched it, realised that nothing actually happens in it and wet our pants anyway because OH GOD IT’S ROBERT PATTINSON! He looks even more like a creepy aristocratic heroin addict than EVER! Eclipse is going to RULE so HARD!
But anyway, we’ve decided to break down the new Eclipse teaser trailer into all its important parts for you. Why, because we love you. No, not really – we actually find you sort of repulsive. But arse-all else has happened today, and we’d be foolish not to take the chance to wind up some boggle-eyed 13-year-old girls when the opportunity presented itself, wouldn’t we?
So then, here’s the brand new Eclipse teaser trailer in all its glory. Ready?
What? You missed it? Was it because you were too busy bouncing up and down with unbridled glee at the thought of more Twilight films? Or was it because you blinked once and missed most of it? Or was it because, even though the trailer’s only ten seconds long, you realised that it was going to be boring and pointless and for a film that’s bound to be a load of donkey bollocks anyway and therefore decided to spend the time doing something more worthwhile like poking at your fingernail or wondering what accents dogs have or just crying?
It doesn’t matter, because we’ve decoded the Eclipse trailer’s most important moments for you, scene by scene. This will clear everything up. Trust us…
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 1
Here we see Robert Pattinson and… ugh, is that Kristen Stewart? Ugh, get your hands off Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart you bitch! We’re the ones who love him! Us! Do you practice your signature over and over again with your last name changed to ‘Pattinson’ so you know what it’ll look like when Robert Pattinson marries you? No? We do. Do you have a Twilight poster of Robert Pattinson that hasn’t got a face because you’ve licked clean through it? No? We do? Do you keep a collection of all the knickers you’ve ever involuntarily urinated in because you suddenly thought of Robert Pattinson? No? We do. SO HANDS OFF HIM PLEASE. THANKS.
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 2
Here Robert Pattinson says “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” and Kristen Stewart gets all like “What choice? The choice to make five whole bloody Twilight films? The choice where the consequences involve getting followed around by millions of panda-faced 12-year-old sub-emos who keep calling me Bella all the time for the rest of my life and I can’t get any work afterwards that doesn’t involve me going googly-eyed at a fucking vampire? Yeah, I know the consequences of that choice, too. They’re shit consequences.”
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 3
Oh for heaven’s sake, put it away for once you bloody prostitute.
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 4
Here Taylor Lautner remembers to put a shirt on FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN HISTORY and says “I’m gonna fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 5
Here Kristen Stewart gets all like “Until my heart stops beating? UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING? Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. Look, Taylor, I appreciate that you’ve managed to figure out how clothes work and everything, but you sounded like the worst kind of pervert nutter just then. Come to think of it, I’m probably just going to go and shack up with Robert Pattinson now. He might smell and have gypsy hair, but at least he doesn’t creep me out as much as you do. I just hope he doesn’t get me pregnant and then bite through my uterus. LOL!”
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Jacqui says
FFFFF. This was amazing.
Ug, seriously, can all the films just be over now, please?
Tom J says
You’d have thought that for such a short trailer they could have found just one vaguely interesting thing to put in it. Literally any one thing from the movie that is in any way interesting or exciting. Yet they utterly failed. And this movie is going to be about 90 minutes, right?
halo says
Omg, Omg, Omg,
Half of the people in my office are still laughing after I forwarded this one. Including my boss. After making a scene at my desk (I almost fell off my chair!), I believe you are going to have a handful on new ‘spray followers.
Cheers for a great post Stu. I cannot wait for the next trailer, nor the ‘spray’s decoding operation.
KungxFu says
Nothing makes me happier than when the new Twilight trailers start being released, because your decoding of them is just the funniest thing ever. Brilliant :)
shawna says
ahahahhhaa that was fucking hilarious
Jasmine says
he says until your heart stops beating because bella is going to become a werewolf, they talked about that in new moon when edward and jacob were about to fight, robert pattinson looks old in that trailer, taylor doesnt were a shirt much because when you urn in to a werewolf your chothes rip into shreds, so they must not want to rip up all their shirts…..duhhhh
but i enjoy taylor withou his shirt he’s sexy
Kitsune says
Oh god, I loved the last one. Couldn’t stop laughing.