Heidi Pratt and her husband with a flesh-coloured beard, Spencer Pratt, are making the world’s least threatening threat.

The couple – full of their usual annoying shenanigans and fakery – are pitching the world’s least watchable reality show.

Not content with blighting the world three minutes at a time to a Natasha Bedingfield soundtrack, the gruesome twosome now think it would be a larf to have a reality show entirely their own.

Heidi and Spencer closely resemble a couple of Real Dolls who have come to life and accidentally been cast on MTV’s The Hills. The past-its-best show is only watched by a handful of tweenagers at a time. No more than two or three at any minute of the day.  The only reason they would ever watch a whole episode of The Hills would be that the ruddy remote control buttons got stuck/ the batteries ran out/ the only other thing on was the news.

Before the threat of a reality show – dedicated to their insipid brand of fame-loving – the couple were actually pimping out their new book. A book that details how one can also become a fame-loving Z-Lister of epic proportions. A book that probably came into the world after one or both had their bowel movements recorded on audio tape and then passed on to some poor soul to commit to transcript. It’ll be thirty pages of pictures, to every one paragraph in font size 45 of “Brrrf, faart, buuuurp”, over and over.

Second to the book comes the couple’s dream of their own reality show. A show that is the consummate nightmare of anyone who knows that not all television leaves you with pink eye and a nasty itching sensation in your delicate areas.

Heidi said that viewers of The Hills don’t get to see enough of her and her husband’s creepy flesh-coloured beard. The only way we could see more of her specifically is to buy those indecent images of her from Playboy magazine – and no one here wants to waste their spare coins on that.

Watching them attempting to construct entire sentences onscreen, without the aid of hair twirling, is tiresome enough in small doses. It would be torturous to indulge their shenanigans a full 30-minutes at a time. Well okay, that’s a little harsh…

Heidi isn’t so bad, not really. So long as you don’t mind My Little Pony’s straw-coloured-weave being flicked in the direction of the camera every third minute. She’s one of the less annoying cast members on The Hills, as at least she seems to know that she’s an insufferable, insignificant Barbie doll.

Her husband Spencer is the more annoying of the two. Mainly as he seems to have no idea just how off-putting his facial hair is. It’s awful. It scares small children. It’s all bristles and is probably the only thing coarse enough for Heidi to brush her pony mane with.

In spite of being distinctly intolerable, they seem to be allowed to find new ways to inflict pain on the public. First a book, then a reality show of their own. Before we know it, they’ll be releasing the obligatory clothing line of ill-fitting sweatshop gear and a perfume that smells of despair.

From The Huffington Post:

In an interview [...] the couple told The Associated Press they’re shopping the idea around to various networks. They said that while “The Hills” – which doesn’t acknowledge its cast members’ fame – only focuses on a small part of their lives, their own show would reveal everything that happens to them. They also said they’d be even be willing to include live segments. “You don’t get to see our everyday lives and what we do,” Heidi Pratt said.  But the Pratts also said they don’t plan to leave “The Hills” and hope to appear in both shows.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, the sweetheart.

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We should be thanking Stephanie Pratt. In these troubled times, it’s always nice to have a bit of consistency.

And that’s what she’s provided. Forget about financial ruin or war or ecological destruction – so long as, somewhere in the world, someone from The Hills is acting like an overprivileged nob, then we know that everything is exactly as it should be. And if that means that Stephanie Pratt has to get arrested on suspicion of DUI, then that’s what has to happen.

Honestly, Stephanie Pratt deserves a medal. Or a jail sentence. Probably just the jail sentence, actually. Medals are quite expensive.

We want you to reflect for a moment on what it must mean to be Stephanie Pratt. It can’t be especially nice, can it? You brother is Spencer Pratt, one of the most celebrated arseholes of our time. Everywhere you go, you’re constantly being compared to Spencer Pratt – people say that you aren’t as overwhelmingly obnoxious as him, or that you’re not as much of a doltist fantasist, or that your wife isn’t as universally offensive, or that you’re less able to grow a beard that makes your face look as if it’s slowly being consumed by the Ebola virus.

It must be tough. So if you were Stephanie Pratt, then the time would have to come where you’d need to make a stand and say “Hey! I AM as much of a slavering turd as my brother! I DO have the same repulsive sense of entitlement despite my obvious lack of marketable skills!” And, early on Sunday morning, that’s apparently what Stephanie Pratt did.

She didn’t literally say those words, you understand – she was possibly quite drunk and it’s difficult to talk and drive a car at the same time when you’ve had a few drinks – but she ended up getting arrested on suspicion of DUI anyway. MTV reports:

Police said Pratt, 23, was arrested at around 3:45 a.m. outside a nightclub in Los Angeles and taken into custody, with bail set at $5,000, according to Sergeant Mark Cohan of the Los Angeles Police Department. Before her arrest, Pratt was reportedly out with some fellow “Hills” stars at Empire, celebrating Holly Montag’s 26th birthday.

This isn’t Stephanie Pratt’s first brush with the law – in 2006 she was arrested in Hawaii for second-degree theft and drug violations. This could obviously pose a problem for her if this arrest overlaps with her probation for that arrest, but that’s something to deal with in the future.

It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Stephanie Pratt was given a short jail sentence for this arrest, though – especially if The Hills gained permission to keep filming her in jail. Because, if nothing else, a version of The Hills where the characters are miserable, frightened and anally violated against their will on a regular basis would be a nice way to reflect what it feels like to actually watch The Hills these days.

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During the First World War, soldiers would often endure days of warfare in the most atrocious conditions imaginable, and emerge from it all having gained or lost just a few yards for their team.

Which is a hideously overblown and offensively inappropriate metaphor for this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, the show that last night ended its interminable run on NBC. Who has covered themselves in glory? Who has covered themselves in shame? Who has apparently covered themselves from head-to-toe in the offcuts from a leather warehouse? (Hint: it’s not Holly, it’s not Torrie, and it’s Janice). Find out after the jump.

We can’t tell you how long we’ve waited for this (our instinct says it’s been about 1,800 years, but logic dictates that maybe it was a bit less than that). Either way: Yay!  Because this is the last week of IACGMOOH. No more of John Salley’s quite frightening competitiveness. No more of Speidi’s televised egowank. No more of Torrie Wilson’s glorious boobies in a wet camo swimsuit. No more… wait, what? This is the end of our weekly viewings of Torrie’s silicon mines? We have to survive on the 38,812 Google images of “Torrie Wilson swimsuit” until she gets herself naked in Playboy in, ooh, three minutes or so? Curses!

Okay then, before we give you the news you already know, let’s take a quick look at this year’s most memorable contestants:

Speidi (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt): insufferable tosstards. They came, they annoyed, they left. They came back, they annoyed again, they got scared, they left again. They got verbally assaulted by Al Roker, they came back again again,they smugged through last night’s interview, they hopefully were buried somewhere in the Costa Rican jungle.

Janice Dickinson: leather-faced, sandpaper-voiced harridan. Oh Janice, you sure know how to make friends in difficult situations. You alone know that when a bunch of people are thrown into a tropical jungle with limited food supplies, the best way to make yourself popular is to steal their food, refuse to do any work and just sit around squawking like a tasered chicken.

Sanjaya Malakar: peacock-haired singing ninny. When we first saw that the boy who spent an improbably long time on American Idol had got this gig, we assumed he would be chased from the jungle within a week by a pack of monkeys desperate for the secret to his preposterous hairstyling. How wrong we were (the monkeys, in fact, became fascinated with trying to climb Janice, who they’d mistaken for an ancient oak). Sanjaya turned out to be quite the stoic little jungle dweller. In retrospect, it wasn’t a surprise: the lad looks just like Mowgli after all.

Lou Diamond Phillips: hammer-faced pain lover and worthy I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here winner. Lou started the show as a has-been actor, trying to start a career revival. He ended it as a has-been actor with thirteen thousand mosquito bites, trying to start a career revival. Never afraid to man up to a challenge, and always ready to tell Janice that she is a totally unlikable leatherfaced skank, Lou won the hearts of the voting public.

And is currently holding them in a safe place, their return dependent on someone agreeing to make La Bamba II: Rock n Roll But With Guns ‘n’ Bombs ‘n’ Shit.

So there you are. Another year passes, another person you vaguely remember from that film twenty years ago is about to be on the cover of all the world’s magazines for a week before shuffling, embarrassed, back to the High School Reunion Special Guest circuit.

Have strength, dear viewers: it shall return. And hopefully with someone better able to approximate a real human being than Myleene Klass. Hmm, what’s C3PO up to these days?

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Want to become famous? OK, here’s how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit.

Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she’s finally achieved fame, it’s time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy.

What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.

Right now it’s the done thing to be rude about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but you know what? We’re not going to rise to it. In our opinion Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are brilliant. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. To be more accurate they’re the totally unwanted gift that keeps on giving even though you’ve exasperatedly threatened it with violence unless it stops giving, but a gift’s a gift.

Heidi and Spencer’s propensity of attention-seeking whiny awfulness is bottomless. They were awful on The Hills, more awful when they attempted to launch a musical career, even more awful when they decided to get married and somehow even more awful than that when their stint on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here ended with Heidi Montag crying and vomiting semi-digested bean-clods down herself because she didn’t like being in a room with some spiders.

But that’s it, right? That’s as awful as either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt are prepared to get, right? Wrong. You appear to have ruled out the possibility that Heidi Montag will strip naked and pose for Playboy soon. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is so aneurysm-inducingly awful that you probably shouldn’t think about it for very long. Here’s Heidi Montag discussing it on The View:

“I would do it very tastefully, and not necessarily nude… It is a very reputable magazine. Many people have done it. I cannot technically confirm, I would love to do it, I might have done it.”

It’s not really a surprise that Heidi Montag was approached to appear in Playboy, given that she’s got blonde hair and more than three people know her name – which does seem to be the magazine’s policy at the moment – but we can’t work out why she chose to accept the offer at this precise moment in time.

After all, aren’t Playboy shoots usually reserved for celebrities on the wane? Surely Heidi Montag isn’t admitting that puking up because she didn’t like the quality of her accommodation has made her as famous as she’ll ever be. Surely rather than get naked for Playboy she should maximise on her current notoriety to become even more famous by, say, manually bringing a farm animal to orgasm for a cable TV show or making a direct-to-DVD film that nobody ever watches all the way through. You know, something big-time.

Still, at least Playboy is getting something out of this Heidi Montag shoot. After all, considering the financial difficulties that it reportedly faces, it needs a good back-up plan. And if there’s a better way to repel bailiffs than stacks and stacks of unsold pictures of Heidi Montag’s naked breasts, we’d like to hear it.

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Yes, we had to check that, too. But it’s true: it is only Week Two and not, as we had thought, Year Eighty-Nine.

But a week can be a long time in the jungle. Especially a jungle where pubey-bearded manchild Spencer Pratt spends 19 hours out of every day arguing with mahogany-faced leatherwoman Janice Dickinson.

The big story during the past week has been Speidi’s will-they/won’t-they shenanigans. Sadly, the issue in question is not “Will they or won’t they go crazy and kill each other using a machete, a coconut and a pint of the world’s most painfully toxic snake venom?”, but the rather more mundane “Will they be allowed to re-enter the camp and inflict their self-love on us for the rest of the show, or will they be sent back to Beverley Hills with their suitcases, label-free shampoos and a terrible case of the world’s most painfully toxic jungle fever?“.

Shame.

Ah well, this was always going to be a marathon, never a sprint. Which is unfortunate for Stephen Baldwin, who looks like doing anything more taxing than dialling for takeout Chinese would cause his heart to detach itself from his arteries, leap out of his mouth and run down the road, screaming “He never told me it would be like this“.

And so to tonight’s news in tiny little bites, each the size of Spencer’s self-awareness:

Janice and Sanjaya in the Trauma Tank: Both were voted in by the public. But what twisted show producer thought of putting Janice into a tank filled with water, frogs and reptiles? These are her brethren, you inhuman monsters.

Daniel Baldwin Gets Whiny: Baldwin number two,who looks like a pub-team footballer impersonating Robert De Niro, has spent his short time in camp complaining. Moaning about…oh, pretty much everything.  Janice, Heidi, Sanjaya, the way Monster Munch don’t taste the way they used to. Lighten up, Daniel: you’re being paid to lie on a hammock for a couple of weeks with nothing to worry about but whether you’ll be able to sneak a glimpse of Torri Wilson’s titties as she gets dressed.

Janice Dickinson Is A Bit Of A Selfish Bitch: Janice, a woman who is half human and half pork scratching, is the subject of some resentment amongst the other junglemates. Seems they don’t take kindly to one of their number being, effectively, nothing more than a talking strip of rawhide who just sits around all day squawking like a flock of crows being fed into a woodchopper.

Heidi Montag Gets Ambulanced To Hospital: Many tears were shed in camp as Heidi, suffering from the effects of a celery and prayer diet in the hundred degree jungle, was taken away for urgent medical attention. True, they were tears of laughter and relief, but don’t let that fool you: the celebs will miss her and her turdhole husband, for who now will walk around shrieking “Jesus Christ is here!” like an autistic priest? Hilariously, Heidi was taken to the local hospital, which apparently modelled itself on a South American TV documentary series called Mexican Leprosy Clinics: The Inside Story. Get well soon, Heidi, because your teammates…no, ‘miss’ isn’t the word. Ah yes: despise. Your teammates genuinely despise you, you hideous tosspiece.

We shall return later in the week, with more IACGMOOH than you can shake a palm leaf at.

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Heidi Montag is as hard as nails. She is. True, she might look like a scrawny, pointless waste of skin, but she’s hard.

How hard is Heidi Montag? Hard enough to appear on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Hard enough to leave after a few days because it was too difficult. Hard enough to return again almost immediately because she couldn’t stand being out of the limelight for even a millisecond.

Hard enough to wind up going to hospital because she didn’t like being made to only eating beans for a day. Again, Heidi Montag is hardore.

You don’t get to be where Heidi Montag is today without having a bit of grit in your testicles. Pretty much everything that Heidi Montag has ever done in her entire life would push the physical and emotional boundaries of most human beings.

Don’t believe us? We’ll explain. Heidi Montag isn’t just a castmember on an MTV reality show about braying, obnoxious overprivileged nimrods who wouldn’t know a day’s work if it crapped on their chest – she’s managed to become the most braying, obnoxious, overprivileged nimrod on the entire show. She’s embarked on a pop career that consists mainly of her yelping atonally over a series of nightmarish thuds and squeaks. She’s married a man who literally looks like the only Bigfoot in the world that you’d happily agree to have fistfight with.

Could you do any of that? No, no you couldn’t. Heidi Montag is like the Bear Grylls of being a hopeless wanker who nobody has ever really loved.

And to prove it, Heidi Montag and her awful husband Spencer Pratt have been appearing on the American version of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Well, we say ‘appearing’. She was on it for a couple of days, and then she left. And then, in a way that wasn’t at all premeditated in a dumbly calculated effort to boost her stupid notoriety, she came back.

To punish them for their flightiness, the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here producers decided to keep Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in a dark-ish room for 24 hours with only beans, rice and water to live on. And now it’s all ended in tears, because Heidi Montag has been hospitalised for it. MTV reports:

TMZ reported that Heidi was rushed to the hospital after “convulsively throwing up” and was “diagnosed with a gastric ulcer.” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie Pratt, took to Twitter to comment, “I’m really saddened to hear that NBC felt it was OK to… torture them as if they were criminals… Heidi was rushed to the hospital and has an IV in her arm after being locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water. Pray she will be OK.”

While we’d like to believe Stephanie Pratt’s account that Heidi Montag’s treatment was so harsh that it literally defied the Geneva convention – because, you know, it’s what we’d do – we’re more inclined to believe the official line that Heidi Montag was given the minimum daily dietary allowance as ruled to be safe by professional nutritionists.

And if that’s the case, no wonder Heidi ended up convulsively vomiting in hospital – by the look of her, a cup of rice and a handful of beans is about eight times more than she’s ever been made to eat in an entire day. Thank goodness nobody tried to make her eat a kangaroo anus. If there’s one thing that’s true about kangaroo anuses, it’s that they stick to your hips like nobody’s business, and nobody likes a fat bitch, do they?

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The Americans, having nicked IASGMOOH from us, have failed to understand what makes the thing watchable: instead of cheeky Ant and Dec, they’ve got Myleene Klass hosting. A woman who donates sap, rather than blood.

Desperate as we are to witness talentless unknowns humiliate themselves on the telly, we genuinely can’t wait for the news season of America’s Got Talent. That doesn’t start until June 23rd, but NBC love us so much they’ve provided a little bit of televisual methadone, pending the arrival of the heroin shipment.

After the jump, we introduce you to one half of the stale celebrity idiots. Today: the boys.

The initial teams have been formed by reference to contestants’ sexual organs. You’ve got boobs and a froo-froo? Girls’ team. You own a todger? Boys’ team for you.

Which caused some confusion when it came time to allocate Janice Dickinson, but the producers have gone with ‘lady’.

Lou Diamond Phillips. Star of La Bamba, Young Guns and Extreme Justice. Show Highlight: beating a crooked politician’s wife in a game of ‘Eat The Tarantula’. Little Known Fact: LDP rarely smiles because, in accord with ancient Cherokee custom, his teeth were replaced with eagles’ beaks when he was a child.

John Salley. Apparently used to play in the NBA, which is some kind of American netball league. Show Highlight: sorry, big John, you were so inoffensive – and we care so little for American sportspeople – that we failed at any point to register your presence. Take it as a compliment: it means you weren’t the kind of horrible little wanksplash who gets voted into having to drink snake venom from a lizard’s arsehole. Speaking of which…

Spencer Pratt. Vainglorious puddle of sleaze from MTV’s The Hills. Show Highlight: Was given a plate with a stick insect on it and challenged to eat the beastie quicker than the fat little lady from the other team could. Decided to ram the insect, and the decorative flower it was sat on, into his mouth and gagged a bit. Thus he achieved the almost impossible and made himself look a bigger tool than The Hills did. Little Known Fact: scientists use Spencer as a fixed marker on the “Self-Regarding Celebrity Turds” scale. He lies exactly halfway between Chris Martin and The Other Ones From Coldplay.

Stephen Baldwin. No, not the one from 30 Rock. No, no, no, not him out of Backdraft, either. Stephen, lots of tattoos, starred in The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas. Okay, you’ve got him now. Seems like he’ll be good value here, though. Show Highlight: being bitten by a ‘bullet ant’ seconds before going live on air for the Trauma Tank. Manned it out like a true pro.

Sanjaya Malakar. Oh, go on, you do. Him with the daft hair off of American Idol last year. Show Highlight: when challenged to eat a huge chunk of iguana’s tail, he simply flung the thing into the back of his gob and swallowed. We are finding it so hard not to connect that last sentence with his surprisingly extended stint on Idol, judged of course by Simon Cowell. Damn you, libel laws. Little Known Fact: Sanjaya says that his hair heroes include Robert Pattinson (“mmm, silky”), Donald Trump (“aah, flappy”) and Susan Boyle (“ooh, pubey”).

That’s it for the boys. Tomorrow we shall bring you the female contestants. And we’ll go with the producers, and chuck Janice in there, too.

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Young love is beautiful isn’t it? Unless it’s between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – then it’s weird and a bit incest-looking.

Oh, we’re kidding. Slightly. The love between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills can’t be denied, because they’ve just got married. And they’ve definitely got married because they love each other, and not because it’s another feeble excuse to put their grizzled faces and dead, dead eyes on the front of more magazines.

You may remember that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt already got married once last year. Why the new wedding? Because God hates you, that’s why.

So that’s it. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – you know, the one from The Hills who looks like a fire-damaged Tori Spelling waxwork and the one from The Hills who looks like Bigfoot after a full-body wax and an ego transplant with Kanye West – have got married.

Technically that’s not really news, though. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt actually got married late last year, but that ceremony was ruled to be unofficial because either a) it was revealed that no official wedding permits had been filled in or b) when the vicar asked if anybody knew a reason why they shouldn’t get married, the shrieking din from every single person on the planet caused so much extensive structural damage to their church that the wedding could never be completed.

However, a little thing like an unofficial wedding couldn’t dent the relentless pursuit of fame love that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have for one another, which is why they both used this weekend to get married for real. People reports:

After exchanging vows before 200 friends at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena, Calif., Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt threw a reception at Social Hollywood for their wedding guests. According to a source, the reception had a “Spring feeling”. “Heidi and Spencer seemed so happy to celebrate with their family and friends,” the source says. “The newlyweds snuck kisses at any chance that they got.”

You see? It’s sweet, really. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married because they love each other, and not just because that bitch Audrina Partridge took her clothes off last week and if they didn’t immediately retaliate then she might get infinitesimally more famous than them for a second or two. Remember, paranoid neurosis is the foundation for many happy marriages.

Still, if you missed the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding and for some reason you’ll also miss the coming onslaught of magazine covers that their gonkish faces are about to be plastered all over, there’s a strong chance that you’ll be able to get a recap on any of the following grimly inevitable reality TV shows – Heidi & Spencer: Marriage Mayhen, Heidi & Spencer: Honeymoon Havoc, Heidi & Spencer: Pregnancy Pandemonium, Heidi & Spencer: Kiddy Commotion or Heidi & Spencer: Divorce Dippiness.

That last one’s scheduled for the end of the year, by the way.

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Guess what – it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe – next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

Of all the things that happened in 2008 – like the US presidential election, the credit crunch, the Virginia Tech shooting, the death of Heath Ledger – nothing was bigger than the marriage between The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. We’re being serious.

Heidi and Spencer’s marriage had everything – two utterly repulsive braying bellends adrift on an ocean of their own epic self-absorption who have never spent more than five seconds in the company of anyone else without becoming the subjects of a violently imagined stab-fantasy, and… um, no, actually in retrospect that’s all it had.

But never mind. It was sort of entertaining – thanks to everyone’s initial repulsion, the backdraft of even smaller celebrities trying to make their name by commenting on it and the world’s bitterest mother-in-law, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s wedding wasn’t a complete waste of time.

True, the marriage wasn’t valid because it was conducted in Mexico with an hour’s notice and everything,, but that didn’t matter – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to formalise their wedding on return to America, thereby reducing the world’s total of single cockstumps by a grand total of two. And once they were married, maybe Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could create a baby so awful that it would absorb all of the world’s evil and then destroy itself, ushering in the Age of Aquarius for all mankind.

Except, no. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t properly married and, what do you know, in the final episode of The Hills it turned out that they’re probably never going to be either. But, hey, at least they didn’t wait until the last possible second to decide, like in the middle of swapping their vows during the ceremony, did they? Oh, who are we kidding. People reports:

When it was Spencer’s turn to promise til death, he hesitated and said, “I want to marry you right now. If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in a courthouse and your mom is crying and not talking to you, we don’t have to do this.” Heidi started crying. Spencer relented “We can’t do this. I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams and I will deal with it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it the way you want.” They exited the courtroom.

Ugh. You know what this means? It means that, by the next season of The Hills we’ll have to put up with even more endless wedding preparation followed by a big fairytale ceremony that, we’re guessing, will also be cancelled at the last minute when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt look into each others’ eyes and realise there’s nothing but a throbbing empty vortex there. And that’ll be followed by another cancelled wedding. And another one. And another one. Until everyone dies of boredom.

But, look, it’s Christmas – let’s look on the bright side. By not getting married to Heidi Montag, this means that Spencer Pratt is technically still single. Form a queue, ladies! Ladies? Where has everyone gone?

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But don’t invite your mother to your wedding just because the eternal bond of love you share makes you want her to share the happiest day of your life. Do it because if you don’t she’ll publicly will your marriage to fail and suggest that you only got married in the first place because your husband drugged you.

Because that’s what Heidi Montag’s mother did after Heidi married Spencer Pratt. Lady, there’s a seat warm at hecklerspray whenever you want it.

We have a small apology to make. In the past, we may have insinuated that nobody cared that The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married. We didn’t care about it, you didn’t care about it, none of the microcelebrities who commented on it cared about it and – now that we know the marriage wasn’t valid anyway – there’s a strong chance that not even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really cared about it either.

Or at least that was our assumption. In reality, though, there is one person who cares about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and that’s Heidi Montag’s mother Darlene Egelhoff. Darlene cares about the wedding a lot, just not in the traditional sense that people tend to care about weddings.

You may remember that Heidi Montag didn’t invite her mother to her wedding last month. This was apparently because Heidi was shitfaced on cocktails and in Mexico and there was only an hour between her deciding to get married and the actual wedding itself. But Heidi didn’t even tell Darlene about the wedding until it was over and, for that, Darlene has decided to speak out.

Wait, ’speak out’ is an acceptable definition for when you claim that the man your daughter married is an evil mind-controller who possibly drugs people into agreeing to embark on inevitably doomed marriages and who might literally be the devil, right? Usmagazine reports:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged… I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out. I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her.”

You know what? We never thought we’d say this, but Darlene Egelhoff’s berserk rant has actually made us feel a little bit sorry for Spencer Pratt. All he wanted to do was marry the woman he loved, and it’s opened a vicious schism in her family. Nobody wants to be disliked, especially by someone they’re technically related to, and Spencer Pratt certainly didn’t deserve to be on the end of an attack like that. Let’s see how the poor lug has reacted to it:

“I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill.”

OK, we take it all back. That man is such a turd.

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But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

We’ll admit to feeling a frisson of excitement when we heard Monday’s news that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills had got married to each other in Mexico. It was like watching them admit defeat, an acknowledgment that nobody on the planet could ever put up with their constant overprivileged braying and galactic self-regard so they may as well just swallow their pride and stick with each other.

And it gave us hope for the future, too – not just for the clotheared punditry industry, but also because we knew that if Heidi Montag’s shrill, off-kilter sense of entitlement ever genetically mixed with Spencer Pratt’s sneering wankery and guff-coloured beard to form a baby, then at least it’d make everyone else’s kids seem less awful in comparison.

But guess what? It turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt didn’t get married after all. You see, the rumour goes that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were drinking cocktails on the beach when all of a sudden they decided to get married. Within the hour rings were bought, vows were written and a team of reporters from US Weekly were in place to record the entire ceremony in extensive detail.

But the problem with that is that Americans getting married in Mexico have to go through a five-day process involving health and birth certificates being translated into Spanish and blood tests, and even then the state of California wouldn’t legally recognise it. So, long story short, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t even nearly married. AP reports:

The couple acknowledged Wednesday that their wedding ceremony  was symbolic, and not legally binding. “We had a beautiful ceremony here … officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We’ve never been happier,” said the couple in a statement provided by Us Weekly. “And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we’ll take care of the legal details when we get home.”

A symbolic wedding. We don’t know about you, but that sounds like either compulsive attention-seeking of the very wost kind or a needlessly complicated way to get free cake.

But so what if this was all just a cynical attempt at keeping Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in the headlines and that the last person to pull a ruse like this was Anna Nicole Smith and look what happened to her. The important thing here is to stay positive.

For instance, if the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding isn’t legal, then they’ll want to have another marriage ceremony to make it legal in the near future, and that gives us plenty of time to buy lots of confetti to throw at them. Well, OK, not confetti. Gravel. Razor sharp gravel. And clumps of salmonella. We want to throw gravel and salmonella at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

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Because, now that Barack Obama is president, celebrities have got nothing left to blab their relentlessly ill-considered and completely unwanted opinions about, and that makes them sad. So thank heavens for the brand-new hot-button topic that has allowed any celebrity – no matter how utterly insignificant they be – to spout on about it like they’re bloody experts. We’re talking about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

Now, just because you couldn’t give a monkey’s bum that Heidi Montag got married to Spencer Pratt, that’s not going to stop luminaries like Perez Hilton, two people off The Hills and that woman who used to be married to the man who was in that plane crash that one time from gibbering on like self-regarding nobsacks about it. Guess what’s after the jump. No, really. Guess.

The marriage between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills – as well as being as doomily apocalyptic-seeming as the union between the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster in Ghostbusters – has really polarised the public opinion. People seem to either not care about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding or really not care about it. And that’s absolutely the correct human reaction.

But as we all know, celebrities aren’t human. Celebrities are little golden gifts from God, placed on this Earth purely to lift our weary spirits and make life worth living. All of them. Even the really shit ones like Perez Hilton, two people who we’re told star in The Hills and the ex-wife of the man who used to be the drummer in Blink 182.

And because none of the people we just mentioned are even remotely human, they’ve all got opinions of the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding. And they really, really want you to hear them. Let’s start with Perez Hilton, because then at least it’s over with.

Perez Hilton has called Spencer Pratt an ‘evil genius’ for orchestrating the entire wedding with Heidi Montag for the sake of publicity, making the shock announcement that people who pose for magazine covershoots sometimes get paid for it. Perez then made a few other points in his videoblog entry, but it was four minutes long so we didn’t listen to it because we thought our brain might dissolve if we did.

Next up: two of Heidi and Spencer’s co-stars on The Hills – Naked Girl and Girl We’ve Never Heard Of. Naked Girl told People:

“I am surprised and not surprised at the same time. I do think it’s very romantic that they eloped.”

While Girl We’ve Never Heard Of, or Whitney Port as she’s sometimes incorrectly called, told Extra:

“I just heard it like everyone else yesterday. Congratulations to them. I think it’s great if that’s what they’re ready to do. Good for them.”

So that’s two of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s co-stars and a man who’s somewhat professionally obligated to screech about rubbish like this dealt with. What about someone doesn’t seem to be connected to either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt in any way whatsoever? You! Yes, you! Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of ex-Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker! What do you have to say about all of this?

“No matter what happens, cameras rolling or not, never stop communicating and don’t allow third parties into your marriage.”

So now we know. Join us tomorrow for Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then next week when Geoffrey from Rainbow reacts to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then the week after that when someone who was on The Bill in 1993 reacts to Geoffrey from Rainbow’s reaction to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

And then the week after that, when we kill ourselves.

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Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.

But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.

He might be one of the most unquestionably awful people on television – and one of the most universally disliked – but Spencer Pratt is, at heart a decent man. Yes, he might be a braying overprivileged clot who uses what little fame he has to sneer about his peers in public like some sort dreadful oafish twat, but occasionally he’ll do something so disarmingly sweet that it’ll cause everyone to rethink their opinion of him.

Like recently, for example, when Spencer Pratt decided that he’d do the decent thing for the sake of mankind and marry his equally awful girlfriend from The Hills, Heidi Montag, simply because it’d reduce the chances of other men getting drunk, sleeping with her, waking up the next morning and tearing all the skin off their faces with their fingernails while screaming “Oh God, what have I DONE?” in a bitter attack of regret and self-loathing.

So, yes, Spencer Pratt has married Heidi Montag in a Cabo ceremony so secret that not even Heidi’s parents were told about it, presumably because they had the means to launch a full-scale military intervention to stop the whole sorry thing from happening if they ever caught wind of it.

Judging by the wedding photos, both bride and groom managed to make an effort to look as beautiful as possible during the wedding. Heidi Montag looked angelic in a flowing white dress, and Spencer Pratt grew a beard that made him look like a bit like the Bigfoot from Harry And The Hendersons. USmagazine reports:

At the altar, Pratt told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

We give it six months.

Oh, we’re kidding. A year, tops. Anyway, even for cold-hearted bastards like us it’s hard not to mist up reading Spencer Pratt’s wedding vows back – from the distracting repetition of the word ‘life’ at the beginning to the weird sun/earth analogy that seems to suggest that one day Heidi Montag is going to get massive, literally swallow Spencer Pratt whole and then die, it’s non-stop romance all the way.

But enough about Spencer Pratt. Heidi Montag, you were involved in all of this too – quickly, say something that when taken out of context will make it seem like you only realised what a monstrous turd Spencer Pratt is when it was too late to go back:

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying.”

That’s right, Heidi, good girl.

Seriously, six months.

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But now in our modern society, MTV has changed and only offers programming that really has nothing to do with music. Well, Tim Westwood does play records we guess.

One of the most popular shows is The Hills. A reality show where we get to compare our own grim lives to those of some trendy twentysomething spoilt tits. Known for being a bit dim, Spencer from the show has decided to open his gob and speak about Proposition 8, the big hot topic in California at the moment. Remember, we did say he’s known for being a bit dim.

Without going into the subject too much, the passing of Proposition 8 has stopped gay and lesbians from marrying each other. While America voted in Barack Obama last week, this was also being contested in the Californian state. It’s also something that every celebrity seems to have a view on. Some are for it, and some are against it and want gay and lesbians burnt at the stake like it’s the Middle Ages.

Just like on X Factor the other week, it appears that not enough people bothered to vote for what they wanted, and their chance stop the ban on same-sex couples marriage rights was scuppered. Unlike X Factor, thousands of people joined in protest to try and overturn the ruling, but it’s looking increasingly likely that their efforts are going to be wasted. However, Barack Obama seems to be everyone’s friend so he’ll make it up to everyone by simply waving his magic presidential puppy around to make everyone happy and jolly so they can skip off in to the distance holding hands.

But until then we have to put up with Spencer Pratt from The Hills and his wonderful opinions on the matter.

While filming a typically wooden scripted scene for The Hills, Spencer decided to let the world know what we thought about Proposition 8. He doesn’t seem to have any burning hatred for gays and lesbians but what he said doesn’t really sound right:

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like don’t.”

At least we now know why Heidi looks so, er, glamorous. The key to eternal beauty is to get your slap put on by a gay man or lesbian lady! Genius. Now to open a salon employing only homosexual people. We’ll have queues round the corner so people can get pampered to the max.

Despite California banning gay marriage, we can offer one solution to help solve the problem. They can simply skip over the state border and do it somewhere else, print off a marriage certificate off the internet or come over to good old Blighty.

The UK is a hip and trendy place and will let you marry anyone at all. Be it a man, woman, brick wall or a tree. Everyone spreads their love everyday in the form of a daily cuddle.

Take Spencer Pratt, for example. We have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, and the only way we'd be able to identify him in the street is because he'd be the one loudly braying about what a tosspot he thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is.

Actually he won't. Spencer Pratt doesn't do that any more. He used to, though – not so long ago he told a magazine that Mary-Kate Olsen was a 'troll' who wasn't very cute – but not any more. Spencer Pratt has issued a sincere apology for the 'troll' jibe, finally putting an end to a celebrity feud that was so staggeringly pointless and short-lived that you didn't even care if it existed or not in the first place.

There must be something in the water, because it's turned into celebrity feud central round here lately. There's Pamela Anderson calling Jessica Simpson a 'whore', the upcoming actor strike that's pitting Tom Hanks against Jack Nicholson and Kanye West's neverending feud with reality to name just three.

But at least Spencer Pratt isn't fighting with Mary-Kate Olsen any more. Having done the absolute bare minimum of research, Spencer Pratt seems to be The Hills' resident douchehole – the kind of braying, overprivileged, permanently sneering moron who wouldn't know a decent day's work if it smashed his stupid face to pulp with a concrete bollard.

The weird, utterly inconsequential beef between Mary-Kate Olsen and Spencer Pratt started when Olsen went on Letterman and told a story about Pratt's schoolboy reputation as angry soccer player. That caused Spencer Pratt to retort to US Weekly that:

"I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

Oh, that's just rude. Mary-Kate Olsen is many things – an out-of-touch former child star with no remaining ties to the real world, an obscenely rich idiot who thinks people care about her stupid books, a cartoon monster – but she's not a troll. She probably acts like a troll a lot of the time, but she isn't physically a mythical cave-dwelling Scandinavian creature. That's just below the belt.

And Spencer Pratt knows this, which is why he's apologised to Mary-Kate Olsen in public, despite the fact that not a single member of the public needs to have their precious brain cells destroyed by being made to listen to his bleating cock-droppings for a second longer than they have to. AHN reports:

He tells [Us], "I apologize for getting caught up in trash talking, but she brought up an emotional subject when she mentioned the soccer stuff. I know Dave was just doing his job in asking her. He's the best in the game at that." He also confessed that he "respects Mary Kate as a businesswoman" and that he is "secretly jealous of her. I want my face on a lunchbox, too!"

And, peace restored, Spencer Pratt can now go back to his awful Republican girlfriend and her naked best friend and get on with whatever cloth-eared, cheaply-made probably pre-rehearsed claptrap he gets up to on The Hills.

You may now return to your lives changed people.