The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.

Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.

Having nothing but her inflatables and low self-esteem to promote on the world’s stage, Heidi spent the weekend with Crystal Harris. The same Crystal who dumped Hugh Hefner five days before a wedding she admitted she’d pressured him into. The two girls aren’t friends, to be clear. They’re just equally attention-seeking and Heidi invited Crystal to spend the weekend at a promotional pool party in Las Vegas. Their jobs? To stand there, all fake-tanned, and stage awkward photos together.

This is the first event in some time for which anyone’s been willing to pay Heidi. Which hasn’t escaped her.

Months ahead of time, she began to prepare for the pool party/ photo call, fearing that she’d become overweight. Then she slimmed down and lied about working out 14-hours-a-day, every day, for months, to lose 27 pounds.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5?2? reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].”

Worse still, she nearly burst her inflatables with all that exercise. Won’t someone think of the breasts. Oh, the humanity!

“My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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Celebrityland can often be a turbulent place, with all sorts of crazy stuff going on. For the humble person, it can sometimes be difficult to work out if it’s the PR machine going in to overdrive to drum up some publicity or it’s just a fake story designed to get idiots like us to report it.

We only write the truth and nothing but the hardcore facts.

At times, it seems that the line can be blurred from those famous folk who so badly crave our attention, that’ll they go to any lengths to gain it. Unless you happen to be a teenage girl, we assume you won’t know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are. In short, they are both stars of MTV’s horribly staged reality show, The Hills. The program may have finished, but their real lives resemble nothing more than a terrible sitcom that wouldn’t even be screened on BBC Three.

Reality shows and romances are never recipes for happily ever after. We only have to look at Peter Andre and Katie Price from I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and any of the plebs from Big Brother to realise that TV relationships don’t last.

But those desperate for everlasting fame don’t care about this, even when things go wrong.

The pair originally married in April 2009 in a ceremony which we can only imagine being the worse thing on Earth. Filled with posers and woman competing with each to see who can show the most amount of teat, it wouldn’t be your traditional wedding ceremony. Sadly, this fairytale romance wasn’t to last with the pair splitting up in June and lodging divorce papers in July.

But what could have caused such a happy marriage to tarnish? Even though we’re not trained marriage councillors, the ego of Heidi Montag might have got in the way. Already looking overly pampered, she decided to enhance her looks with some plastic surgery. Granted, a lot of people can afford to do this now, but not ten operations in a single day.

Somehow this seems slightly excessive as Montag attempts to become a living Barbie doll.

So how about Spencer? Surely he is the stable one in the relationship and tried his upmost to stabilize their love? He may have wanted to do that, but alas, he did it in the form of flogging the world a supposed sex tape of the pair.

Frankly, we can imagine better images.

Maybe we don’t understand love because our sex doll only says three phrases. Perhaps one day we’ll develop that feeling called “compassion” and have a gooey feeling when we see someone we love. Until then, we’ll restore our faith in humanity with these two goons.

Now Magazine reports Heidi Montag as saying:

“We have just gone through so much crazy stuff personally and through our jobs and everything, so for me this feels like our first real marriage.”

We’d love to end this article with a witty joke or punchline, but the emotion of it all has gotten to us. Parts of the rainforest need to be chopped down in order for more tissues to be delivered to us.

We can’t stop blubbing.

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The affairs of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are up there with the most boring of celebrity romances. These two non-entities simply exist, and that seems to be more than enough for you dribbling simpletons.

Despite the pair being of no-fixed talent, they remain in currency by virtue of their combined stupidity. Pratt likes to get on planes with a bag full of guns while Montag cries all the time because she doesn’t want a weird face like Michael Jackson or frets over the release of a sex tape she made.

They split up, Pratt apologised and now it seems, that they can’t be bothered getting divorced from each other and in fact, they should probably stay together because on their own, it’s only a matter of time before one of them had an accident in busy traffic brought on by idiotry.

So yeah, Montag has pulled the plug on the divorce.

It seems that the attention-needy pair kissed and made-up over the romantic and tender negotiations of the potential public release of their sex tape. And you all thought that romance was as dead as Fearne Cotton’s eyes!

Heidi told People:

“We are back together trying to make things work… We do love each other and realized we do want to spend the rest of our lives together.”

Imagine that. Imagine what the rest of their lives entails. Blinking at clouds and walking into patio doors at full speed, all the while, filming each other knocking their uglies together and trying to create basic words with their brains which, thus far, have been mere ornaments behind their vacant stares.

Worse still, is that this will all go on in his mother’s house as the pair are so broke that they’ve had to move in with her like a students with their tails between their legs. Yes, we realise that this simile doesn’t really work. Even when taken literally in the form of a magina, it still doesn’t make sense. We goddit.

Anyway, when Pratt was asked if he was skint, he replied:

“Broke? I’ve been wisely investing in a substantial and diverse portfolio of film projects like Tower 69: Beach Patrol and buried pirate treasure. True, I might’ve lost my pirate map, but my broker’s working on that. If you find it make sure you send it back to me. It’s got a curse on it!”

Does this whole thing reek of a publicity stunt to anyone else? Faux-divorce and cod-poverty from a pair of humans who (unfathomably) used to make $165K between them per episode of The Hills.

It’s obvious that most of that money went into Heidi’s plastic transformation and the rest… well… that doesn’t even bear thinking about does it, especially given that Pratt recently admitted to spending $500,000 on energy crystals.

Energy crystals there. Just soak that up and let it roll around your mind for a bit.

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The world of celebrity is not unused to certain members of its population doing odd things.

Take Danny Dyer for instance, suggesting that a woman deciding against a long-term relationship with a man is a legitimate excuse for face-murder. Or Lindsay Lohan, whose crazed mind believed that she would curry favour with a judge by writing swears on her fingernails. Or Alan Bloody Davies, who bloody well once bit the bloody ear off of a bloody tramp.

Maniacs all. But none of them has ever travelled quite so close to the Mountains of Madness as today’s celebrigimp: Spencer Pratt (who used to stick his bookies’ biro penis into Heidi Montag) has been arrested at Costa Rica’s airport while trying to board a plane with guns. Guns he had used during the previous few days to kill some food during a spirit-cleansing exercise.

The colossal dickrod.

Welcome to Monday, hecklerspray people. Yes, it’s probably raining. Yes, it’s undoubtedly depressing. But cheer up: at least you ain’t Spencer Pratt.

As TMZ reported and then confirmed, part-time Stuart Heritage lookalike and full-time cock-dribble Spencer Pratt was arrested over the weekend. His crime? Oh, only that he was trying to board a plane while carrying armfuls of hunting rifles and ammo.

But what the hell was this bearded reality TV show lunatic doing in Central America with a load of guns? Was he bringing freedom from oppression to the locals? Starting up a militia which one day would sweep northwards and take over the USA? Indulging in a tediously self-absorbed “personal journey”?

We just don’t know which it might have been. No, hang on: we know painfully well which it was:

As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive.

Oh, Spencer Pratt. There really is no-one better than you at coming up with this relentless bullshit, is there?

You’re like Madonna and her Kabbalah nonsense multiplied by Tom Cruise and his Scientology donkeywank and then raised to the power of Isaac Hayes and his…well, his Scientology donkeywank.

Sadly, the Costa Rican border guards did not tear Spencer Pratt apart, joint by joint. Seems they didn’t even bother to look for more weapons hidden within his large bowel.

Sad.

They did, however, say that he was no longer welcome in their country, so there was something in all this for other nations to learn from. Spencer Pratt bleated:

On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.

As usual, hecklerspray beats all other websites to the good stuff. And so we present real, genuine, actual footage of Spencer Pratt and his Costa Rican “chicken incident”:

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Spencer Pratt is a thoroughly modern celebrity, in as much that, he’s famous simply because he’s a bit famous. He’s somehow managed to stay in our ears and eyes by making regular and annoying noises, like a child beeping the horn of his mum’s car whilst parked up outside the shops.

Looking at him and his eerie little Aryan face, you wonder what anyone saw in him – ever. Yet, Heidi Montag liked him enough to allow him to get his doo-dah out without screaming at him and clawing his retinas out.

And then he got a divorce and threatened to release a sex-tape of him and his ex-wife, leaving everyone smacking themselves in the forehead, muttering about how he’s always been a prick. And now Spencer agrees that he is, in fact, a tool of epic proportions.

What the rest of the world already knew, Pratt confirmed on his twitter page.

“I need to apologize to Heidi and my 11.5 fans.I’m an epic douche – and you deserve better.”

Get that! He’s gone and counted his fans like some autistic number cruncher in a bean factory. Don’t worry Europe… if you’re still thinking “Who the shitting hell is this Spencer Pratt bloke?”, don’t worry yourself unduly over it. Go back to your biscuits or whatever you were doing. This bloke is a crashing non-entity which we’re using solely in the hope of swagging some traffic from bleary eyed Americans.

Pratt says about his divorce from reality star Heidi Montag:

“Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved.

“Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly.”

He called his actions towards Heidi “infantile.” Infantile tends to suggest throwing strops and wailing a lot, as opposed to, say… we dunno… planning to leak sex tapes, attacking her on twitter and stalking her while she’s on her holidays.

“She never deserved the pain and anguish I put her through, and although I don’t expect it, I hope in time she’ll be able to forgive me.”

Shut your mouth you epic douche.

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You know Heidi Montag don’t you? Sure you do! She’s that woman… y’know? The one who stands in shoes sometimes. The one from The Hills. The one who made an album for some reason. Yeah! That Heidi Montag!

Now she’s cautiously scribbling something in crayon on her CV under the words ‘Brattish Slebritoid”. The words being written down are ‘SEX TAPE’ as apparently, Spencer Pratt, the soon to be ex-husband of the pop-personality, is in the process of selling a knacky vid of the couple going at it like pigs in a sty.

Naturally, it is Vivid Entertainment who are sniffing around and offering up $5 million for the thing, which is roughly $2.5m per inch of Pratt’s erect member.

‘One friend’ of Montag sniffed:

“It’s not just in the height department that Spencer is challenged! When you see what he has been hiding it will make perfect sense to everyone why he talks such a big game. Only a man with a tiny [member] would be such an a*****e.”

Do you think the starred out word is ‘acolyte’?

Anyway, they added:

“All that kid’s insecurities come from the fact that he is a tiny little man. I hope the $5 million will finally make up for what he doesn’t have below but I doubt it.”

Bloody Nora. If he’s as small as they say, then we might have to draw comparisons with someone trying to shag the horizon with a Ladbrokes’ biro.

“It’s all one big joke to Spencer but Heidi isn’t laughing. She is devastated about the thought of a sex tape being released. What hurts her most is that the tape was filmed before she had her plastic surgery. How would you feel seeing yourself on tape not looking your best?”

Sometimes, there are no words.

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Heidi Montag is starting a Twitter feud with her possibly soon-to-be-ex-husband, Spencer Pratt.

By that, we mean no one will actually be fighting or settling their arguments using the age old tradition of jelly wrestling – just angry tweeting.

Jelly wrestling would be more interesting than watching these two people, each as lacking in self-awareness as the other, starting asinine arguments about who’s more annoying, on Twitter. However, they’re at it again and so let’s all pay attention lest their heads explode from lack of media attention.

Last night, Heidi accused her husband, from whom she is reportedly separated, of several things. She is claiming he hacked her Twitter and wrote a sick semi-paedo message to teenage singer Justin Bieber (a message that’s still there). She is also claiming that Spencer has used her name for publicity.

Specifically, the reality star, still only 23 years old and with at least 10 more years of famewhoring in her veins before she’s killed with fire like some kind of reality version of Logan’s Run, accused Spencer of using her name on a book he was promoting.

The book, How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture, was released in November 2009. It was pushed pretty hard to bloggers, some of whom *cough* happily turned down the offer to review it in favour of poking at their own eyes with plastic spoons. The former couple also carried copies of the book with them everywhere – and, as with the Playboy cover they promoted in the same way, we had to suffer them holding the title up and gurning for the cameras at every turn.

In her tweet, Heidi says it was more his book than hers and she was used for her name.

From Heidi’s Twitter:

Let me be clear OMG! Spencer used my name to get a check on his book “how to be famous” I had nothing to do with it! He is the fame whore!

This was a guest blog by *cough* Amy Grindhouse

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Heidi Montag has split up. Don’t panic – her cosmetic surgery scars haven’t popped undone or anything.

She’s emotionally split up. Heidi Montag is no longer with her husband Spencer Pratt. Nobody knows why Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt split up. It could be that Heidi Montag realised that Spencer Pratt was a moron, or it could be that Spencer Pratt realised that Heidi Montag was a moron, or it could be that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt both realised that their marriage was a sham, or it could be that both Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt looked in the mirror and realised that they resembled a hideous mutant Barbie doll and an excessively self-confident woodland orc and decided that they could no longer go on like this.

But they’ve split up. That was our point.

Before we go on, let’s look back on the good times that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt shared as husband and wife. There was, um, that time, they…. no, it’s gone.

Fine, we’ll look back at the shit times that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt shared as husband and wife. There was Heidi’s horrible solo album. There was Spencer’s grotty beard. There was Heidi’s relentless surgery. There was Spencer’s new career as a sort of cyber Jack Bauer. There was that time that, after she had all her surgery, Heidi Montag visited her mother and when her mother expressed dislike for Heidi’s new look, Heidi tried really hard to cry before realising that her tear ducts had been surgically realigned to the back of her knees. Great times, great times.

But now Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently split up. Let’s not pretend that we care, just in case it’s all a horrible big publicity stunt and this story makes them realise that if they keep splitting up and getting back together then they can squeeze out their nanofart of residual fame for another couple of weeks or so. UsMagazine reports:

Following reports of Heidi and Spencer Pratt split, Jennifer Bunney tells UsMagazine.com that Heidi is ditching her husband this summer to live with her. On Friday, Heidi’s rep told TMZ that she is “looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls…She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”

Rumour has it that Heidi’s decision to move out is all part of a reality TV show project. It’s unlikely that the project will involve Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt being stuffed into cannons and fired into the sides of some buildings, but we live in hope.

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Bad news, anyone who’s ever wanted to sleep with either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt – you have a malfunctioning brain.

Oh wait. No, what we meant to say was that – despite rumours to the contrary – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still an item. There were whispers that Heidi had moved out of the marital home on Monday, almost immediately after The Hills finished production, but that apparently couldn’t be further from the truth.

To prove how much they love each other, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have verbally reaffirmed their love for one another. They would have done it through photography, but Heidi’s surgery has made that impossible – it doesn’t matter what emotion she aims for, it always ends up looking like she’s straining for a poo.

These are anxious times for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. The Hills is coming to end, which could also spell out their nightmarish, protracted 15 minutes of MTV sub-fame that they’ve enjoyed for the last handful of years. Soon enough we’ll have forgotten about them and moved onto a couple of witless choads from Jersey Shore, laughing at their dreadful music careers and hopeless attempts to grow beards and the fact that they’ve had so much plastic surgery that when they try to express emotion they look like there’s a rat trapped in their skull that’s trying to gnaw its way out instead.

And this period of change is bound to be hard for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Already Heidi has fired Spencer as her manager and hired a psychic to take his place, and Spencer has forged a new career combating cyberterrorism. Can a marriage sustain itself through upheavals like that? Yes. Can a marriage between two eminently unlikeable fame-hungry todge-pieces like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sustain itself through upheavals like that? No.

That’s what everyone thought earlier in the week, anyway, when it was reported that Heidi Montag had upped and left Spencer Pratt for good. But Heidi and Spencer have dismissed those claims as untrue, which has also given them the perfect opportunity to rush to the press and yak on about themselves some more. So, in a way, everyone wins. Apart from everyone on the entire face of the planet who isn’t either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt. People reports:

“I’m not moving out,” Montag, 23, says. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Adds Pratt, 26: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.” She adds: “All that we’ve been through has only made us work harder at our relationship and making it better. We want to fall more in love with each other every day.”

Well that’s just… hang on, nauseous. Well that’s just… no, no, it’s no good. We’re literally just about to vomit all down ourselves. Write your own pithy ending.

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Remember that episode of 24 where Jack Bauer grew a manky beard and married a woman who looked like a ropey sex doll?

You don’t? That’s because it never happened. But it doesn’t matter, because we’ve got the best thing. Heidi Montag‘s husband Spencer Pratt has decided to leave The Hills to concentrate on – and this is completely true – joining American Defence Enterprise’s cyber security division in an effort to prevent the hostile use of technology from endangering America’s military and financial muscle.

Truly, Spencer Pratt is just like Jack Bauer. Or, hopefully that CTU agent who looked a bit like Jack Bauer and went blind when that bomb blew up in his face on the beach a couple of years ago. Or that one who got his arm cut off. Either one of those two would be fine, really.

Spencer Pratt’s greatest attribute is his ability to adapt. Oh, and that beard of his that looks like a fungal infection. No, what are we talking about? That’s not an attribute at all. Oh, look, let’s just concentrate on his ability to adapt.

He’s essentially a firefighter, that’s what Spencer Pratt is. Wherever he’s needed most, that’s where we’ll find him. When the world of reality TV needed a universal villain; a braying, obnoxious dipstick who we could project all of our worst feelings onto, Spencer Pratt joined the cast of The Hills. When MC Miker G hung up his microphone, Spencer Pratt stepped in to take his place as the planet’s most obliviously untalented rapper. And when the world needed a collection of heroically ignored sub-Britney disco mewling, Spencer Pratt became his wife’s manager and helped steer her album Superficial to the bottom of the pop charts.

And what does the world need now? Well, duh – it needs to be saved from the villainous shadow of cyberterrorism, doesn’t it? And that’s why Spencer Pratt has left The Hills, given up his position as Heidi Montag’s manager and started to study software engineering so that he can assist the cyber security division of American Defence Enterprise. Seriously, we’re not making any of this up. Here’s what he told MSNBC:

“Upon learning of President Obama’s declaration that the ‘cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,’ I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.”

Obviously. While Spencer Pratt should be commended for deciding to take his life in a direction that he seems to have neither the capacity or mental aptitude for, we do feel a little sad that he’s not taking the MTV cameras with him. Because, seriously, a fly-on-the-wall record of Spencer Pratt ballsing up operation after operation, allowing cyberterrorists to strip the US financial system dry in a different way each week, and then doing a little rap about it at the end as his furious colleagues beat him to a pulp? Who wouldn’t want to watch that?

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Heidi Pratt and her husband with a flesh-coloured beard, Spencer Pratt, are making the world’s least threatening threat.

The couple – full of their usual annoying shenanigans and fakery – are pitching the world’s least watchable reality show.

Not content with blighting the world three minutes at a time to a Natasha Bedingfield soundtrack, the gruesome twosome now think it would be a larf to have a reality show entirely their own.

Heidi and Spencer closely resemble a couple of Real Dolls who have come to life and accidentally been cast on MTV‘s The Hills. The past-its-best show is only watched by a handful of tweenagers at a time. No more than two or three at any minute of the day.  The only reason they would ever watch a whole episode of The Hills would be that the ruddy remote control buttons got stuck/ the batteries ran out/ the only other thing on was the news.

Before the threat of a reality show – dedicated to their insipid brand of fame-loving – the couple were actually pimping out their new book. A book that details how one can also become a fame-loving Z-Lister of epic proportions. A book that probably came into the world after one or both had their bowel movements recorded on audio tape and then passed on to some poor soul to commit to transcript. It’ll be thirty pages of pictures, to every one paragraph in font size 45 of “Brrrf, faart, buuuurp”, over and over.

Second to the book comes the couple’s dream of their own reality show. A show that is the consummate nightmare of anyone who knows that not all television leaves you with pink eye and a nasty itching sensation in your delicate areas.

Heidi said that viewers of The Hills don’t get to see enough of her and her husband’s creepy flesh-coloured beard. The only way we could see more of her specifically is to buy those indecent images of her from Playboy magazine – and no one here wants to waste their spare coins on that.

Watching them attempting to construct entire sentences onscreen, without the aid of hair twirling, is tiresome enough in small doses. It would be torturous to indulge their shenanigans a full 30-minutes at a time. Well okay, that’s a little harsh…

Heidi isn’t so bad, not really. So long as you don’t mind My Little Pony’s straw-coloured-weave being flicked in the direction of the camera every third minute. She’s one of the less annoying cast members on The Hills, as at least she seems to know that she’s an insufferable, insignificant Barbie doll.

Her husband Spencer is the more annoying of the two. Mainly as he seems to have no idea just how off-putting his facial hair is. It’s awful. It scares small children. It’s all bristles and is probably the only thing coarse enough for Heidi to brush her pony mane with.

In spite of being distinctly intolerable, they seem to be allowed to find new ways to inflict pain on the public. First a book, then a reality show of their own. Before we know it, they’ll be releasing the obligatory clothing line of ill-fitting sweatshop gear and a perfume that smells of despair.

From The Huffington Post:

In an interview [...] the couple told The Associated Press they’re shopping the idea around to various networks. They said that while “The Hills” – which doesn’t acknowledge its cast members’ fame – only focuses on a small part of their lives, their own show would reveal everything that happens to them. They also said they’d be even be willing to include live segments. “You don’t get to see our everyday lives and what we do,” Heidi Pratt said.  But the Pratts also said they don’t plan to leave “The Hills” and hope to appear in both shows.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, the sweetheart.

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We should be thanking Stephanie Pratt. In these troubled times, it’s always nice to have a bit of consistency.

And that’s what she’s provided. Forget about financial ruin or war or ecological destruction – so long as, somewhere in the world, someone from The Hills is acting like an overprivileged nob, then we know that everything is exactly as it should be. And if that means that Stephanie Pratt has to get arrested on suspicion of DUI, then that’s what has to happen.

Honestly, Stephanie Pratt deserves a medal. Or a jail sentence. Probably just the jail sentence, actually. Medals are quite expensive.

We want you to reflect for a moment on what it must mean to be Stephanie Pratt. It can’t be especially nice, can it? You brother is Spencer Pratt, one of the most celebrated arseholes of our time. Everywhere you go, you’re constantly being compared to Spencer Pratt – people say that you aren’t as overwhelmingly obnoxious as him, or that you’re not as much of a doltist fantasist, or that your wife isn’t as universally offensive, or that you’re less able to grow a beard that makes your face look as if it’s slowly being consumed by the Ebola virus.

It must be tough. So if you were Stephanie Pratt, then the time would have to come where you’d need to make a stand and say “Hey! I AM as much of a slavering turd as my brother! I DO have the same repulsive sense of entitlement despite my obvious lack of marketable skills!” And, early on Sunday morning, that’s apparently what Stephanie Pratt did.

She didn’t literally say those words, you understand – she was possibly quite drunk and it’s difficult to talk and drive a car at the same time when you’ve had a few drinks – but she ended up getting arrested on suspicion of DUI anyway. MTV reports:

Police said Pratt, 23, was arrested at around 3:45 a.m. outside a nightclub in Los Angeles and taken into custody, with bail set at $5,000, according to Sergeant Mark Cohan of the Los Angeles Police Department. Before her arrest, Pratt was reportedly out with some fellow “Hills” stars at Empire, celebrating Holly Montag’s 26th birthday.

This isn’t Stephanie Pratt’s first brush with the law – in 2006 she was arrested in Hawaii for second-degree theft and drug violations. This could obviously pose a problem for her if this arrest overlaps with her probation for that arrest, but that’s something to deal with in the future.

It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Stephanie Pratt was given a short jail sentence for this arrest, though – especially if The Hills gained permission to keep filming her in jail. Because, if nothing else, a version of The Hills where the characters are miserable, frightened and anally violated against their will on a regular basis would be a nice way to reflect what it feels like to actually watch The Hills these days.

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During the First World War, soldiers would often endure days of warfare in the most atrocious conditions imaginable, and emerge from it all having gained or lost just a few yards for their team.

Which is a hideously overblown and offensively inappropriate metaphor for this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, the show that last night ended its interminable run on NBC. Who has covered themselves in glory? Who has covered themselves in shame? Who has apparently covered themselves from head-to-toe in the offcuts from a leather warehouse? (Hint: it’s not Holly, it’s not Torrie, and it’s Janice). Find out after the jump.

We can’t tell you how long we’ve waited for this (our instinct says it’s been about 1,800 years, but logic dictates that maybe it was a bit less than that). Either way: Yay!  Because this is the last week of IACGMOOH. No more of John Salley‘s quite frightening competitiveness. No more of Speidi‘s televised egowank. No more of Torrie Wilson‘s glorious boobies in a wet camo swimsuit. No more… wait, what? This is the end of our weekly viewings of Torrie’s silicon mines? We have to survive on the 38,812 Google images of “Torrie Wilson swimsuit” until she gets herself naked in Playboy in, ooh, three minutes or so? Curses!

Okay then, before we give you the news you already know, let’s take a quick look at this year’s most memorable contestants:

Speidi (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt): insufferable tosstards. They came, they annoyed, they left. They came back, they annoyed again, they got scared, they left again. They got verbally assaulted by Al Roker, they came back again again,they smugged through last night’s interview, they hopefully were buried somewhere in the Costa Rican jungle.

Janice Dickinson: leather-faced, sandpaper-voiced harridan. Oh Janice, you sure know how to make friends in difficult situations. You alone know that when a bunch of people are thrown into a tropical jungle with limited food supplies, the best way to make yourself popular is to steal their food, refuse to do any work and just sit around squawking like a tasered chicken.

Sanjaya Malakar: peacock-haired singing ninny. When we first saw that the boy who spent an improbably long time on American Idol had got this gig, we assumed he would be chased from the jungle within a week by a pack of monkeys desperate for the secret to his preposterous hairstyling. How wrong we were (the monkeys, in fact, became fascinated with trying to climb Janice, who they’d mistaken for an ancient oak). Sanjaya turned out to be quite the stoic little jungle dweller. In retrospect, it wasn’t a surprise: the lad looks just like Mowgli after all.

Lou Diamond Phillips: hammer-faced pain lover and worthy I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here winner. Lou started the show as a has-been actor, trying to start a career revival. He ended it as a has-been actor with thirteen thousand mosquito bites, trying to start a career revival. Never afraid to man up to a challenge, and always ready to tell Janice that she is a totally unlikable leatherfaced skank, Lou won the hearts of the voting public.

And is currently holding them in a safe place, their return dependent on someone agreeing to make La Bamba II: Rock n Roll But With Guns ‘n’ Bombs ‘n’ Shit.

So there you are. Another year passes, another person you vaguely remember from that film twenty years ago is about to be on the cover of all the world’s magazines for a week before shuffling, embarrassed, back to the High School Reunion Special Guest circuit.

Have strength, dear viewers: it shall return. And hopefully with someone better able to approximate a real human being than Myleene Klass. Hmm, what’s C3PO up to these days?

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Want to become famous? OK, here’s how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit.

Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she’s finally achieved fame, it’s time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy.

What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.

Right now it’s the done thing to be rude about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but you know what? We’re not going to rise to it. In our opinion Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are brilliant. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. To be more accurate they’re the totally unwanted gift that keeps on giving even though you’ve exasperatedly threatened it with violence unless it stops giving, but a gift’s a gift.

Heidi and Spencer’s propensity of attention-seeking whiny awfulness is bottomless. They were awful on The Hills, more awful when they attempted to launch a musical career, even more awful when they decided to get married and somehow even more awful than that when their stint on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here ended with Heidi Montag crying and vomiting semi-digested bean-clods down herself because she didn’t like being in a room with some spiders.

But that’s it, right? That’s as awful as either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt are prepared to get, right? Wrong. You appear to have ruled out the possibility that Heidi Montag will strip naked and pose for Playboy soon. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is so aneurysm-inducingly awful that you probably shouldn’t think about it for very long. Here’s Heidi Montag discussing it on The View:

“I would do it very tastefully, and not necessarily nude… It is a very reputable magazine. Many people have done it. I cannot technically confirm, I would love to do it, I might have done it.”

It’s not really a surprise that Heidi Montag was approached to appear in Playboy, given that she’s got blonde hair and more than three people know her name – which does seem to be the magazine’s policy at the moment – but we can’t work out why she chose to accept the offer at this precise moment in time.

After all, aren’t Playboy shoots usually reserved for celebrities on the wane? Surely Heidi Montag isn’t admitting that puking up because she didn’t like the quality of her accommodation has made her as famous as she’ll ever be. Surely rather than get naked for Playboy she should maximise on her current notoriety to become even more famous by, say, manually bringing a farm animal to orgasm for a cable TV show or making a direct-to-DVD film that nobody ever watches all the way through. You know, something big-time.

Still, at least Playboy is getting something out of this Heidi Montag shoot. After all, considering the financial difficulties that it reportedly faces, it needs a good back-up plan. And if there’s a better way to repel bailiffs than stacks and stacks of unsold pictures of Heidi Montag’s naked breasts, we’d like to hear it.

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Yes, we had to check that, too. But it’s true: it is only Week Two and not, as we had thought, Year Eighty-Nine.

But a week can be a long time in the jungle. Especially a jungle where pubey-bearded manchild Spencer Pratt spends 19 hours out of every day arguing with mahogany-faced leatherwoman Janice Dickinson.

The big story during the past week has been Speidi’s will-they/won’t-they shenanigans. Sadly, the issue in question is not “Will they or won’t they go crazy and kill each other using a machete, a coconut and a pint of the world’s most painfully toxic snake venom?”, but the rather more mundane “Will they be allowed to re-enter the camp and inflict their self-love on us for the rest of the show, or will they be sent back to Beverley Hills with their suitcases, label-free shampoos and a terrible case of the world’s most painfully toxic jungle fever?“.

Shame.

Ah well, this was always going to be a marathon, never a sprint. Which is unfortunate for Stephen Baldwin, who looks like doing anything more taxing than dialling for takeout Chinese would cause his heart to detach itself from his arteries, leap out of his mouth and run down the road, screaming “He never told me it would be like this“.

And so to tonight’s news in tiny little bites, each the size of Spencer’s self-awareness:

Janice and Sanjaya in the Trauma Tank: Both were voted in by the public. But what twisted show producer thought of putting Janice into a tank filled with water, frogs and reptiles? These are her brethren, you inhuman monsters.

Daniel Baldwin Gets Whiny: Baldwin number two,who looks like a pub-team footballer impersonating Robert De Niro, has spent his short time in camp complaining. Moaning about…oh, pretty much everything.  Janice, Heidi, Sanjaya, the way Monster Munch don’t taste the way they used to. Lighten up, Daniel: you’re being paid to lie on a hammock for a couple of weeks with nothing to worry about but whether you’ll be able to sneak a glimpse of Torri Wilson‘s titties as she gets dressed.

Janice Dickinson Is A Bit Of A Selfish Bitch: Janice, a woman who is half human and half pork scratching, is the subject of some resentment amongst the other junglemates. Seems they don’t take kindly to one of their number being, effectively, nothing more than a talking strip of rawhide who just sits around all day squawking like a flock of crows being fed into a woodchopper.

Heidi Montag Gets Ambulanced To Hospital: Many tears were shed in camp as Heidi, suffering from the effects of a celery and prayer diet in the hundred degree jungle, was taken away for urgent medical attention. True, they were tears of laughter and relief, but don’t let that fool you: the celebs will miss her and her turdhole husband, for who now will walk around shrieking “Jesus Christ is here!” like an autistic priest? Hilariously, Heidi was taken to the local hospital, which apparently modelled itself on a South American TV documentary series called Mexican Leprosy Clinics: The Inside Story. Get well soon, Heidi, because your teammates…no, ‘miss’ isn’t the word. Ah yes: despise. Your teammates genuinely despise you, you hideous tosspiece.

We shall return later in the week, with more IACGMOOH than you can shake a palm leaf at.

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