The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.
Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.
It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.
Having nothing but her inflatables and low self-esteem to promote on the world’s stage, Heidi spent the weekend with Crystal Harris. The same Crystal who dumped Hugh Hefner five days before a wedding she admitted she’d pressured him into. The two girls aren’t friends, to be clear. They’re just equally attention-seeking and Heidi invited Crystal to spend the weekend at a promotional pool party in Las Vegas. Their jobs? To stand there, all fake-tanned, and stage awkward photos together.
This is the first event in some time for which anyone’s been willing to pay Heidi. Which hasn’t escaped her.
Months ahead of time, she began to prepare for the pool party/ photo call, fearing that she’d become overweight. Then she slimmed down and lied about working out 14-hours-a-day, every day, for months, to lose 27 pounds.
?I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I've been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,? she told Us Weekly. ?And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I've ever been because I've kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.? At her heaviest, the 5?2? reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she's currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? ?I've been running a lot, and I've been doing weights,? she said. ?When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].?
Worse still, she nearly burst her inflatables with all that exercise. Won’t someone think of the breasts. Oh, the humanity!
?My breasts, because they're so big, really needed some time,? she explained. ?So I'm just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that's normal.?
This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin? cheers for that.
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