It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.
Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.
It stings the nostrils.
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When you’re in a position of note, it’s easy to get carried away and become an egotistical crack-shack. One need only look at Sting’s self-satisfied fizzog to see exactly what we mean.
Not everybody has it so easy once they’ve been elevated to a “status” – especially one they might not want. Who are we talking about? Why it’s none other than ol’ safe hands himself, ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray. The man that, in the eyes of Michael Jackson fans, makes Harold Shipman look like a competent medical professional.
There’s a very good reason that whilst you’re reading this, Dr. Conrad Murray is being held in a prison somewhere. He was tried and convicted of manslaughter. Tsk tsk. Still, he’s looking forward to some time away from a depressing concrete cell. If he gets his way, you might be able to see him sooner rather than later!
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When Michael Jackson was alive (he’s very much dead these days), he ended up getting married to Lisa Marie Presley. It was weird. The King Of Pop shacking up with The King Of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s daughter. Mixing pop royalty like that… it’s incestuous and odd.
And guess what is going to happen?
That’s right, with a little bit of history repeating itself, Michael’s daughter – Paris Jackson – is giving the sex-eye to pop midget, Justin Bieber. You can just imagine the people behind both of these veritable toddlers advising them about how good a relationship with each other would be for their careers. Blecch!
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Americans have loads of stuff that’s essentially just for them, but occasionally seeps into the cultural mindset of others. Even though its just rounders for men, they call it the “world series” even though only American teams compete.
Then there’s the general extra injection of happiness and excitement that all Americans possess. Even going to the toilet to expel waste results in over enthusiastic whoops, screams and cheers, almost like they’ve passed a sparkly stool.
TV is, sometimes, America’s best export. But then again, this is the same nation that still churns out The Simpsons despite all its charm vanishing years ago. One giant success is Glee, even though it is essentially a TV version of High School Musical, but even more sweet and sickly. And the series is about to broadcast a tribute Michael Jackson episode. What could possibly go wrong?
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Eighties child-star Corey Feldman has revealed his plans to release a tell-all book naming and shaming two Hollywood pervs.
The-famous-Corey-that-isn’t-dead made similar allegations last August that he was targeted by predatory men from age 14. However, rather than take these claims to the police, he seems to have walked passed the station, right to a publisher.
This is Hollywood after all.
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Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.
Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?
Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.
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If anybody tells you that car boot sales and charity shops are pointless, they clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. Nothing beats the wonders of rummaging through boxes on a cold early morning with a ropey £1 polystyrene cup of tea whilst searching for hidden gems.
The high street charity shop is a haven for those sourcing everything from old records to a piece of clothing that would sell for bucket loads in a vintage boutique. Granted, someone might have died in the blazer you’re donning for a night out, but a few washes and squirt of Lynx Africa will cover that death musk.
Whilst second hand goods of the common man and woman change hands for a handful of pounds, the rules change when famous people are involved. One particular auction has been on the cards for ages with Michael Jackson extremists squealing in their droves as they get the chance to own items that they probably already have.
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They say that everyone deserves a second chance to learn from their mistakes. Or if you happen to have an ounce of intelligence, not copying the moves of those that led to their downfall.
One of the greatest examples of cocking-up a childhood comes from no-other than the Jackson family. Whilst we were left marvelled and amazed at the family’s dance moves, they were secretly hurting inside thanks to regular whippings from father Joe. Missing out on childhood clearly affected Michael, so you’d assume that his three children would be ushered away from showbiz? Oh, how wrong you’d be.
Thankfully, Paris looks like she’s decided to venture away from singing and head towards Hollywood. Yep! She’s going to be in a film! Good thing the movie industry hasn’t got a record of dark deeds and conspiracy, eh?
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Readers’ Letters: “THIS IS MEANT TO BE A WEBSITE?!” Or “How To Make Friends With Morons”
by Michael Park on February 3, 2012 0 Comments
Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.
It stings the nostrils.
Read More >>>