Mick Jagger’s hair clippings were sold at auction last week for $6,000. Now, you have to wonder about a person who will spend thousands of dollars for a celebrity’s hair clippings. Mick is a legend, obviously, and I love him as much as anyone, but I wouldn’t pay $6 for his nasty split ends, much less $6,000. And what about $100,000 for a half-eaten piece of toast? It’s pretty fucking troubling.
Of course, there are varying degrees of consumer perversity involved. Some of the auctioned items on this particular list were willingly provided by the celebrities and the proceeds given to charities. And that’s nice, it really is, but it doesn’t answer the question of what kind of fucking weirdo wants Scarlett Johansson’s boogery tissue? Even if you got it for free, why would you want it? She’s lovely, yes, but snot is snot and it’s all gross, no matter how lovely the nose from which it was ejected.
How about if you have a spare couple of thousand lying around, then just give it directly to charity. Your soul will be much better for it, you fucking weirdo. Or use that money for some well-needed therapy.
Mick Jagger’s Luscious Locks
Evidently, way back in the mid-1960’s, Mick’s girlfriend neatened up his hair and kept the trimmed-off bits for posterity. Half a century later, those trimmings were placed into an envelope and some asshole bought them for $6,000. In this case, the money was given to a worthy charity and that’s lovely. Still, I wonder what you’re planning to do with this new purchase, Mr. or Ms. Crazy? Extrapolate DNA? Make a voodoo doll? A merkin? A holy relic?
Lady Gaga’s Fake Fingernail
In September 2012, Gaga wore some tacky black acrylic nails with fancy gold patterns on them to her Fame fragrance launch, and kept them on for her Born This Way concert performance in Dublin the following day. One of the nails was found by a member of the stage crew and sold for $13,000. Thirteen thousand dollars. For a fake fingernail.
John Lennon’s Tooth
Perhaps the same day that Mick Jagger’s girlfriend was trimming his hair … John Lennon lost a tooth. He gave it to his housekeeper as a rather disgusting souvenir for her daughter who was a Beatles fan. Fast forward about 50 years and the tooth was purchased by a Canadian dentist for $31,200. He then smashed the tooth into fragments and used them to make three even more disgusting necklaces. Perhaps this is where Ke$ha got her inspiration.
One of the necklaces, appealingly called the John Lennon DNA Tooth Necklace, toured through about numerous dental practices in the U.K. to raise awareness for oral cancer. If you were lucky enough to have visited one of those practices, you could have had your photo taken wearing a necklace with a tiny chunk of one of John Lennon’s disgusting, cavity-ridden teeth! Imagine the glory!
Marilyn Monroe’s Chest X-Rays
In 2010, some creep paid $45,000 for a set of X-rays of Marilyn’s lungs and stomach. Apparently in the X-rays you can discern the “the outline of her bust.” If you don’t have easy access to $45,000, however, you can also get hundreds of full-color photos of her actual naked bust for free on the Internet.
Scarlett Johansson’s Snotty Tissue
Scarlett had a cold when she was a guest on the “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” in 2008. She blew her nose, put the germ-riddled tissue in a bag, signed the bag, and it was purchased for $5,300 on eBay. Fucking ridiculous.
Brad and Angelina’s Breath
In 2010, someone “caught” Brad and Angie’s breath in a jar as they walked by. And some asshole bought it for $530 on eBay.
Niall Horan’s Vegemite Toast
Niall’s half-eaten toast nearly fetched $100,000, but was removed from auction before it could be purchased. Niall nibbled the toast on an Australian talk show and instead of disposing of the trash, some creep tried to fucking sell it. Even worse, lots of people tried to buy it. The half-eaten breakfast food angle hearkens back to 2006 when Justin Timberlake’s half-eaten French toast was sold for a mere $3,154. That’s inflation, people.
Jennifer Lawrence’s “Silver Linings Playbook” Sports Bra
Jennifer Lawrence does have an impressive rack and Silver Linings Playbook was a pretty good movie, but I fail to understand why anyone would spend $3,000 to own J.Law’s used sports bra. You would get a lot more for your money if you bought a really good sports bra for $30 and then use the remaining $2,970 to hire a high-end hooker who resembles her to wear it for you for an hour. Or use the money for something else. A nice vacation with your mom, for instance.
MJ’s Death Bed and Bald Britney’s Umbrella
These two items … which I’m counting as one for the sake of keeping this list at 10 … were both thankfully removed from auction before they could be purchased. Of course everyone remembers when Britney Spears attacked a car with an umbrella during her crazy phase a few years ago. Well, that umbrella was listed on eBay, but was taken off before it was sold. And MJ’s death bed? How fucking maudlin to want to buy that? Give me a fucking break.
Elvis Presley’s Undies
Elvis has been dead for a really long time. But still, last September, some asshole put a pair of Elvis’ worn (and visibly stained) tighty-whities up for auction. The bids never hit the reserve price, so the undies were hopefully put in the trash. Let a man fucking rest in peace.