Poor Dr. Conrad Murray, we can imagine that he’s not having the best of times in prison at the moment. Despite being convicted of the manslaughter of a certain Michael Jackson, he knows that, when he’s released, he’ll be battered with abuse from fanatical Jackson goons.
We don’t imagine prison to be an exciting place, especially in America. Our yank buddies seem a bit stricter on discipline and prefer to harbour inmates in cells without luxuries such as TV, radio and concealed weapons.
Some might argue that criminals deserve nothing, though they need some basics if they’re expected to see out a sentence given to them without hanging themselves with their shoelaces. One such thing is clean drinking water and the last time we checked, the BBC has held no telethon to raise money for dirty drinking water in LA. But if reports are to be believed, we might have to help America out. ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray is blaming an embarrassing problem on what he drinks.
Normally, if something tasted or smelled bad, you’d be put off from putting it in your mouth. Though prison imposes a few restrictions upon you. Gone are the days when you could stuff yourself with Chinese food, instead you make do with whatever slop is given to you. This is when kebabs start to look like a Michelin star food.
So what exactly has upset everyone’s favourite doctor? According to the man himself, he’s been ill thanks to supposedly dirty water. So ill in fact, that he’s lost around thirty pounds.
All through his rectum.
That’s right, sitting on a prison toilet which he might have to share, he’ll have been squatting and clenching until his bowels are emptied. We’ve heard that:
“Murray has been extremely sick since becoming an inmate last November. He claims the water smells and tastes bad, and believes it has given him a horrible case of dysentery. Murray says the bad water, along with a bad diet, is ruining his health.”
Clearly he’s missing a dash of Fruit & Barley juice to make that dirty taste change into something sweet. And if that wasn’t bad enough our sexy doctor even claims he’s been forced to eat cat food. This is his alleged prison diet:
“Murray buys canned tuna for $4.25 a pop, salmon flakes for $3.50 and canned mackerel for $2.50. Murray is telling friends that aside from cats, he’s the only human being forced to eat canned mackerel.”
Okay, so it isn’t actual cans of cat food, but fish isn’t that bad for you. Granted, it would taste better if deep fried, served with chips, mushy peas and a blob of red sauce, but criminals can’t be choosers can they?
Well we guess he could be. All Murray needs to do is wave a syringe around and tell a guard he’ll do administer a daft amount of knock out drugs.