It’s been a while since any female UK pop acts have been applauded so Lily Allen has been a bit quiet of late, busying herself as she is with her dreadful non-charitable charity-shop exorbitant clothes-rental business.

But fear not, Jessie J has done quite well at the increasingly perplexing MOBO awards so Lily has piped up once again in the most passive-aggressive manner possible in the hope of starting yet another publicity-garnering feud.

The great big doe-eyed Keith Allen looky-likey publicity hungry geezer-bird tweeted following the awards.

‘Now, I love Jessie J as much as the next person, but how is her music ‘of black origin’? Is it cause she says “man dem” in her tune?’

Not content with running a clothes shop of dubious existence where, if you can find it, you can get some second-hand tat to wear to an event where you’ll meet people actually named Tobias and then have to give it back, Lily is going back to her roots.

By which we mean she’s resumed her previous role as the petulant self-imagined queen bee of your middle school, once again conducting a supposedly-good-natured whispering campaign against any other girls in her year that may be getting as popular as she imagines she should be.

“I love Jessie as much as the next person” indeed. Lily knows that the next person is you and people like you, who are just a bit indifferent to Jessie J, albeit slightly alarmed by her resemblance to a cross between Bruce The Shark from Finding Nemo and a Duplo figure. And the fact that we’re pretty sure she’s never blinked in her life or will ever age. Ever.

With depressing predictability, we imagine twitter to be currently alight with Jessie J fans all pointing out that Lily’s appallingly whimsical musical output, featuring the absent-minded warbling of someone singing to themselves in the bath whilst they mentally prepare the week’s shopping list, was not exactly cutting-edge itself.

In the meantime, everyone gets their publicity and the MOBOs remain utterly gash.

Lily Cooper née Allen, daughter of woefully poor actor Keith Allen and a woman that never gets mentioned because she’s not quite famous enough (Alison Owen, in case you were wondering), has been undergoing a transformation from watered-down bad girl of pop to a dowdy shut-in with only twitter for company. Much like ourselves.

But now the star is undergoing a far more alarming change. She’s turning into a penguin!

Not ‘The Penguin’, star of Batman but a large, flightless bird which while being essentially useless in the food chain, does know how to throw an excellent parade.

Lily, who is of course pregnant, woke up this morning feeling a bit off colour, presumably feeling a bit more monochromatic than usual. Doctors have suggested that her feeling ill is because of her ever-expanding baby bump but Allen could not be consoled and has started checking herself every five minutes, looking for eruptions of feathers.

If only things were that simple though! Cooper’s penguin paranoia made her start thinking about the chocolatey biscuit treat that shares its name with the animal. It doesn’t however share the wide appeal of the penguin, tasting as it does, of dust covered in cheap chocolate.

She updated twitter with the following musing:

“I feel like a penguin, not the chocolate covered biscuity kind, but an actual penguin that waddles … now can’t stop thinking about chocolatey penguins doh!”

People are beginning to worry about the health of the baby and Lily’s vocal chords if her transformation does come to pass and she becomes a very strong swimmer and goes diving for fish. Will she have a human child or will it be a penguin too? What caused this transformation and has it happened before?

Lily- who married Sam Cooper earlier this summer and is said to be unwilling to sit on any eggs- is starting to feel the effects of pregnancy as she enters her third trimester and with the added stress of having to learn to communicate with her feathered brethren, she is said to be having a tough time.

The 26-year-old singer has even been learning how to knit and sew, previously saying:

“I’m being taught how to knit. I’m so not rock ‘n’ roll anymore. I’m embroidering too. I’m actually in the process of making cushions.”

We suggest that she uses her last days as a human to fashion some nets using her new found sewing skills. That way, she’ll have a place to store all of her fish. That is, until we can find a doctor to change her back. Don’t worry, Lily! Help is on the way!

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You could argue that, for the most part, Kanye West is an entertaining and spirited chap. That’s usually because he has an astonishing inability to self-censor. He opens up that expensive mouth of his and BLAM it all comes tumbling out like word-shaped puke.

Of course, his most famous bout of vomitous babbling was during Taylor Swift’s acceptance tremble, which saw Kanye being transformed from a vaguely famous rapper into a living, breathing meme.

It’s been a while since he flooded our collective minds with chat, but he’s at it again, deciding to talk about the sensitive topic of abortion. And Lily Allen isn’t happy.

Kanye took to his favoured medium – Twitter – to start rambling like a drunk in a pigsty about abortion. He complained that the whole abortion process is a bit on the expensive side. He presumably thought that up while picking bits of Cheetos out of his golden teeth.

He wrote:

“An abortion can cost a ballin’ nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin’ bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas.”

With kind, sensitive words like that, we’re surprised that the US government hasn’t signed him up to be that person who appears in highschools, teaching kids about condoms with bananas and a look of fear in their eye.

So is West reacting to this from personal experience?

“It ain’t happen to me but I know people.”

He’s talking about sex in general there. Thus far, Kanye has French kissed someone and dry humped a lady on a sofa, but no penetrative sex thus far.

Lily Allen, who we can rely on for an opinion (one of the reasons we kinda like her), weighed-in on the subject. The whole baby-issue is something very close to the British popstar as she’s suffered a miscarriage and a stillbirth in the last couple of years. That, of course, is crashingly unfunny.

She replied to his tweet, saying:

“Never has a tweet put me in such a bad mood.

“This is wrong on so many levels.”

Lily must be an optimist if she expected Kanye to be anything other than a loudmouth gitclog about the whole thing, presumably spurred on by Justin Bieber’s recent comments on the matter.

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At time of writing, hecklerspray is unable to confirm or deny that popstrel Lily Allen successfully made herself something to eat last night, but indications are not hopeful according to her twitter feed.

The ‘voice of summer 2006’ has last night thrown the public into turmoil.

Not by “so closely resembling her Dad that you can’t decide whether or not you could smash her without thinking of ‘him’ and laughing about that Tourettes doc he did which would, like, probably put her off and that”, but with an astonishing dining problem.

Fears began when she desperately tweeted:

“It would take me 30mins just to get all these ingredients out of the fridge”

Referring to her forlorn attempts to feed herself.

The tweet also contained the ominous hashtag #jamieoliverlies. hecklerspray does not endorse the opinion that Jamie Oliver is a liar. Or a self-involved neglectful husband, average cook, publicity hound and tubby lisping imbecile. We endorse none of these.

Eschewing the ‘Bullshit Frittata’ recipe she probably found in the fat-tongued idiot-book of recipes, she begged of the social-networking ‘site’ or whatever it’s called:

“What temperature should one bake a potato at ? And for how long ?”

To date no-one is in a position to confirm that any answers were received along the lines of “really hot. And for ages”, but indications are that her ongoing commitment to a baked potato are strong.

Allen’s final anguished tweet regarding her dinner was:

“Is it important to wrap it in foil?”

As of now, sources are unsure about the success or otherwise of the ‘Lily Allen Baked Potato’ pairing. Rumours of a secret encounter with a Birdseye Potato Waffle are being denied, with a source stating that any third-parties are not involved, despite “all the stuff with the foil. If that’s what it takes, Lily’s happy to do it.”

We made the last bit up.

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We rather like Lily Allen here at hecklerspray – she’s got the right mix of tunes and a gob on her. She’s what a popstar is supposed to be. So with that, we’re very, very sad to report that she’s lost her baby after a brief illness.

The singer fell ill with a viral infection last week and, being six months pregnant, she wanted to take every precaution to make sure everything was okay.

However, Allen was rushed to hospital with stomach cramps where doctors tried to save her unborn child, which sadly, were not successful.

This is not the first time Lily has lost a baby. In 2008, she lost a baby at four months. Of course, this has left the singer and her family with inconsolable grief.

A friend said:

“Lily and Sam are both devastated,”

“She had kept quiet for three months until she had the scan and doctors told her everything was okay. She was understandably so nervous after having had a ­miscarriage before.”

“But as soon as she got the all-clear, she talked to everyone and anyone about how excited she was. It was her dream to become a mum and she loved showing off her bump.”

“This is a nightmare for her and Sam. It’s too early to say how she will be able to cope with this. They are both heartbroken.”

In a statement, a spokesman said:

“It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby.”

“The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time.”

This is an uncharacteristically sober story from hecklerspray, granted, but we’d like to send our condolences to Lily Allen and her partner, Sam Cooper.

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It seems that the unwritten rule of solo female pop music has to be the accusation of having a fully functioning penis alongside the traditional front bottom genitals.

Lily Allen went through this torment when she was accused of being a “chick with a dick” by no other than the north’s grubby pop princess, Cheryl Cole. Of course, this was just a childish pikey argument that got way out of hand.

Strangely, Lady Gaga seemed to embrace people’s curiosity about her having a two for one deal on her genitals. It was all the talk of magazines, chat shows and the immediate horror of blokes who’d had a cheeky fantasy about the eccentric American singer. Eventually, the novelty wore off with Lady Gaga herself being saying. “My beautiful vagina is very offended. I’m not offended – my vagina is offended.” Hooray for Lily Allen for fuelling the speculation again when she appeared at The Big Chill festival. Sorry, the Wanky Balls festival.

Festivalgoers are mental these days. It seems that annoying Canadian children are only the recipients of bottle-throws now because, when Lily Allen was performing at The Big Chill festival, someone sacrificed their tea and threw a potato at her. Reports are undecided about whether it had been roasted, boiled or was in an organic state, but it did come attached with a message which read ‘show me your penis.’ Responding accordingly, Lily Allen said:

“They must have mistaken me for Lady Gaga.”

Oh no she didn’t! Meow! The claws came out there, didn’t they? Good and proper we’d say. Now we get to suffer through a three-month bitching campaign from Allen and Gaga as they hatch nasty retorts deep in their underground bunkers. But wait, that would take too much effort wouldn’t it? After all, Lily Allen is now with child and can use her pregnancy to lazily get out of any commitments.

Hooray for Twitter though, where the obese, stupid and bun-laden can still come together and write stuff that no-one particularly cares about. Backtracking a bit, Lily Allen Tweeted to her followers that they shouldn’t listen to these reports about her:

“Everyone knows I am @ladygagas biggest fan. So don’t believe the bullshit. I’m a little monster and no-one can take that away from me!”

For those not in the know, ‘monster’ is the nickname given to Lady Gaga fans. As far as we can tell, Lily Allen’s followers don’t have a tag, but something along the lines of ‘drunken shouty, annoying woman-liker’ springs to mind.

Let’s just hope that the two don’t resolve this and kiss and make up. Actually, that’s a horrible image isn’t it? Two hermaphrodites connecting their organs into places we didn’t know about.

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Alexander the Great was forced to ever expand his empire because he kept running out of nations to fight and conquer.

Similarly, Lily Allen has had pointless, bitchy fights with the entire alphabet of celebrities and now she is forced to create a whole new generation of famous people to hurl abuse at from the safety of her MySpace page (and yes, before you start I do realise the irony inherent in that statement).

She’s knocked up, is what I’m trying to say. Congratulations, and so forth.

It turns out that Lily Allen pulling out her commitments in the Glastonbury and Benicassim festivals last month wasn’t because they’d realised that they had accidentally booked a tri-nippled dwarf with a mockney accent who, if the light should catch her the correct way, looks disturbingly like her father, and now you can’t not see it.

It’s like that optical illusion where it could be a man in a hat, or it could be an Eskimo looking into a cave, and once you’ve seen the second one you can’t get it out of your head. And now you’re stuck imagining having sex with her, playing Russian Roulette, knowing that at any second she could incline her head the wrong way, or be caught by the light in such a way that you’re now having sex with Keith Allen and you can’t just stop, you’d feel awkward and rude not finishing, so you carry on, feeling dirtier and dirtier until you are basically committing sexual abuse on yourself, which is novel, but there just won’t ever be enough cleaning solvents.

No, she probably pulled out because her boyfriend didn’t. The Sun rubs its knees and proclaims:

Chart star Lily Allen and boyfriend Sam Cooper are expecting their first child. Thrilled Lily, 25, and Sam, 32, broke the news to friends and family at the weekend after having a three-month hospital scan.

It took three months just to scan her? Jesus. Guess the nipple thing is just the start of her abnormal biology. Fingers crossed that all that scanning hasn’t done irreparable damage, and that it comes out with a normal number of nipples. And doesn’t release any rubbish albums.

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Well this is hardly fair. We’re not pregnant either, but that fact hasn’t made the bloody news, has it?

But when Lily Allen isn’t pregnant? Oh, it’s a different story then. Just because Lily Allen has told everyone that she urgently wants a baby and then went outside looking a bit fat, the news that she isn’t pregnant suddenly means something. We can’t wait for tomorrow’s papers. Maybe there’ll be a story about how Lily Allen doesn’t have a moustache, or can’t speak Lithuanian, or isn’t able to run as fast as a car.

But Lily Allen isn’t pregnant. That’s OK. All it means is that we have to wait a little bit longer before she and her child pose with Keith Allen for a photo entitled Three Generations Of Mild Obnoxiousness. And even longer before the child gets a record deal purely because she’s Lily Allen’s kid. That’s fine by us.

Everyone knows that Lily Allen’s life is cyclical. She’s either in a stage of her life where she’s making music and people seem to like her, or a stage of her life where she isn’t making music and just appearing in the press for the sake of it and people don’t like her quite as much. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re not firmly in the latter stage.

But although Lily Allen doesn’t have anything to promote, at least she’s still found a reason to appear in the papers. And, perhaps for the first time in history, this isn’t because she’s slagged off another pop star or taken her bra off on holiday. No, this is news. Real news. You see, Lily Allen isn’t pregnant.

No, that is news. It is. Just because Lily Allen has spent the overwhelming proportion of her life not being pregnant, it doesn’t mean that the fact she’s not pregnant now can’t be news. OK, it does sort of mean that. But nevertheless, this story has emerged because of something of a perfect storm, where first Lily Allen said she wanted to get pregnant within a year, and then she went outside looking a bit fat. Oh, hang on, that’s not a perfect storm at all, is it? It’s barely even a mediocre storm. It’s not even mediocre drizzle.

Nevertheless, the photos of Lily Allen looking slightly rounder than usual in one outfit from one specific angle caused her to formally respond to the rumours on her Twitter account. Now reports:

Lily Allen has denied rumours she is pregnant . The singer sparked speculation she was expecting after being snapped looking a little curvier while out in London over the weekend.  ‘I’m not pregnant. FYI,’ she writes on her Twitter.

Phew, thank God that’s all cleared up. For a few minutes there, we were really worried that Lily Allen was pregnant. And by ‘a few minutes’ we mean ‘less than a tenth of a nanosecond’, and by ‘worried’ we mean ‘not worried at all’ and by ‘Lily Allen was pregnant’ we mean ‘blah blah blah oh shut up’.

Still, we nevertheless expect all female celebrities to check into their Twitter accounts to also state that they aren’t pregnant or else we’ll assume that they are and then the shit will really hit the fan. Won’t it, Dame Elizabeth Taylor?

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There are loads of reasons to be proud of being British. An army of lads taking over an Eastern European capital on a stag do; lazy racism perpetuated through newspapers; the BNP.

The one thing that really does make us bloody brilliant is music.

Popstars eh, aren’t they just wonderful? With all their singing and dancing and sitting on tour-coaches and tolerating interviews with Jonathan Ross. Plus the other stuff they, um, probably do. The ultra rich need a night of free alcohol and to celebrate each other’s wonderfulness, before the inevitable decline towards cruise ships and the Line Up round on Buzzcocks. And so, the Brits. The painful pseudo-live event that reminds everyone involved just how fleeting fame is. JLS will be watching the 2012 Brits on their sofa at home, bitterly Tweeting about Geri Halliwell.

This year’s Brits, purportedly live, but any pretence ruined after swearing was blocked out in the first ten minutes, was as much of as shambles as any other year. Host Peter Kay (looking as though he’d been inflated and stuck in a suit three sizes too small) clearly didn’t want to be there, and neatly recycled two carefully crafted jokes over the evening:

He’s [where the artist is from]‘s answer to [someone vaguely similar, or not similar at all, or just a random name]

BBC News summarised some of them:

He described Lady Gaga as “New York’s answer to Su Polllard”, former Spice Girl Mel B as “Yorkshire’s answer to Beyonce”, described Kasabian as “Leicester’s answer to Aswad” and called Robbie Williams “Stoke on Trent’s answer to Shakin’ Stevens”.

Even they can’t resist taking the piss, saying that Kay “put … his talents to good use while introducing acts.”

His other joke was to point out what was on the other channel (which was lucky; we nearly missed Muslim Driving School) and asked why you weren’t watching that. Hilarious, Pete. Especially the seventh time. Holby City, this time? Great.

He was upstaged by every proper comedian that came to present an award, even Alan Carr lighting things up by pretending he’d been hit by perennial uber-prick Liam Gallagher‘s award.

Because Liam, being the cool cat that he thinks he is, threw his award for ‘best album of the last 30 years’ into the crowd. It was fun, like a throwback to the past, as with Liam looking out-of-place as if they’d got Roy Orbison or Mozart up there.

Fearne Cotton bewilderingly presented the backstage bits, getting awkwardly excited over ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. Shut up, Fearne, it’s shit.

For some reason Geri Halliwell (in a toga) and Mel B (with the sides of her head shaved) were the only Spice Girls who could make it to pick up an award for most iconic brilliant performance or something, which had presumably been awarded for Geri’s Union Flag dress and pants. Clearly Emma Bunton had something better to do, probably working the late shift in her local Texaco. The organisers got their money’s worth though, with each of them making approximately 17 appearances over the course of the night, each time remembering more people they hadn’t thanked.

Lady Gaga, dressed as a giant tampon gave a weird performance and weird speeches, after winning everything from Best Album to Best Male. Jay Z, Lily Allen and other people who are far too cool for me to have heard of all performed, with Robbie Williams rounding things off in his inimitable smug, crowd-pleasing fashion.

Performance of the night went to Cheryl Cole, who sent out a clear message to husband Ashley Cole, who allegedly (do we still have to say allegedly?) cheated on her, by dressing as Michael Jackson and missing her cue to start miming, leaving the performance as out of sync as Jedward.

I’d like to thank everyone for making this column possible, Aimée, Sarah, Eleanor, Stuart, Alex, Robyn – you all know who you are. I’ve been Nik, England’s answer to dried dog shit.

This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson off of Shouting At Cows

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When we were fresh-faced schoolkids who hadn’t accidentally seen the darker side of the internet or found the pub, things were a lot different.

Our homework was always done and we did what was asked of us. Modern day children are never going to get the same experience. All you have to do is look at the curriculum that will be taught to future generations to see how society is epically decaying.

History lessons saw harrowing accounts of brave soldiers fighting the Nazi elite. Fast forward 70 years and something far greater has taken over from World War II. Is it a modern conflict like Iraq or Palestine? Nope – the ongoing feud between Cheryl Cole and Lily Allen is like totally more interesting. OMG!

As far as whose side to pick in this continuing Allen/ Cole scuffle, it’s Cheryl Cole who’ll probably have everyone in her corner. After all, she is a major television star alongside the work she does with Girls Aloud. Who couldn’t love a girl that came up through the ghetto estates of Newcastle? No-one, that’s for sure. Just don’t bring up the toilet attendant incident. That never happened, on account of her being famous and all that.

So how long have the two been having their comedy argument? Because we’re feeling generous, we’re going to cut out the work for historians and try to sum up this avalanche of a battle that Cheryl and Lily are having. All the way back in 2007, Lilly Allen wasn’t a happy camper and made lots of rude comments about people. Cheryl Cole was one such victim and she was forced by sweart chef Gordan Ramsay to say what she thought of Lily. Cheryl said:

“A chick with a dick.”

We chuckled at the time, but seeing how Lily is a proper London cockney and not someone from Thailand, we think that calling someone a ladyboy is a bit uncalled for. That’s unless the pair once went to the toilet and Lily got concerned at the lack of urinals to point her dong at. But because girls like to retaliate with insults, Lily threw some more hurtful words in Cheryl’s face by writing in her blog:

“Cheryl, if you’re reading this, I may not be as pretty as you but at least I write and SING my own songs without the aid of autotune. I must say taking your clothes off, doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying, your mother must be so proud, stupid bitch.”

At times like this, we wish that the pair would sort out their ways via the traditional method used by gentlemen up and down the country – a scuffle in a pub car park. But girls don’t do that sort of thing – they just scream at each other or graffiti the loos in swanky nightclubs. Recently, the two have simmered down and seemingly solved their differences. Well that was until the other day when they actually met. Digital Spy reports:

Cole said: “I met Lily for the first time last week. I gave her a hug and said, ‘Nice to meet you’. To which she said, ‘There is no beef’.

OK, there’s nothing offensive there. Lily could have been giving Cheryl tips about the buffet. After all, who’d want to look a tit when asking for beef and finding out there’s only chicken? Not us, that’s for sure. But things took a turn for the worse, with Cheryl adding:

“Then I hear she was in the press room taking the piss and I thought, ‘She’s a little girl but I’m a 26-year-old woman and I’m not at school anymore.”

What? Cheryl called Lily a ‘little girl’? This is only going to explode into a nuclear bitchfest of comments that will no doubt consume us all by the end of 2010. Seeing as both have crap albums out at the moment, we guess they need to do something to keep us entertained.

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Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.

Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…

Jennifer Lopez

Recently back on the acting circuit having forced some babies out, Lopez has dazzled with her looks for years. Her face is nice, she’s got hair even silkier than a silk worm’s pocket, and she started the taut-stomach-gargantuan-arse trend that has swept the planet. Good for her. She must be married to a male model or George Clooney or something, right? Actually no, you’re way off. Totally ignoring convention, Jennifer Lopez chose to avoid humans altogether, and instead married a talented singing rat, sweetly known as Marc Anthony – not to be confused with the Ancient Roman statesman, who, by the way, was probably quite hot.

Julia Roberts

Hey, that Julia Roberts is one heck of a gal. Anyone who saw her playing the slutty young prostitute who’d do absolutely anything but kiss on the lips probably found out to their detriment that prostitutes do not look like Julia Roberts. And plenty of them do actually kiss on the mouth. Serious Pretty Woman plot-holes aside, in real life, Roberts spent the mid-90s married to a crack-whore-alike called Lyle Lovett. One of the few living humans who would actually come out better in a cartoon caricature, Lovett only managed two years with the actress, before she cited “career demands” as her made-up reason for wanting a divorce.

Christina Aguilera

Some of the notes that Christina Aguilera can hit are fantastic, we especially like it when she’s really working an E sharp, and her lips start quivering while she sings. It was a technique first introduced by Whitney Houston in the 1980s. Unfortunately, the Whitney comparisons end right there, because while Houston snared a hottie like Bobby Brown, Aguilera has veered disturbingly off piste, and is now married to  a mole-faced teenager called Jordan Bratman. At first sight, the celebrity world bit their collective lips, nodded politely and attempted to smile, but when Christina mentioned that the pair like to spend their Sundays naked, small chunks of sick were universally coughed out.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman is a wonderful looking girl, and aspirational – after all, girls, she’s both beautiful, business savvy, and she went to a polytechnic. That’s one hell of a chick. Plus in Closer, which was an appalling film, she buoyed everyone’s spirits by slipping on a pink hair piece and wiggling her bottom. Like these other girls, she should obviously be going out with a real hunk. And yet, she once enjoyed many sweaty evening dripping hot candle wax onto Devendra Banhart‘s hungry wolf-like thighs. For those who haven’t a clue who Devendra is, he’s Siavash‘s hairier counterpart.

Lily Allen

If it’s true that it’s who you are on the inside that counts, Lily Allen might actually be slightly punching above her weight with her doughy faced boyfriends. But, as it, is, this list is judged on outward beauty alone, which, in this case, makes Lily Allen really quite good looking. Hence, you’d expect her to be dating an equally good looking pillock, like that Kris guy who was on Big Brother, or someone wearing tight jeans pretending to be on heroin. But no, her type appears to be middle-aged chubsters who could probably do a decent impersonation of the fat man taking a cannon ball in the belly. Like the one from the Chemical Brothers, for example.

For more of this gold, visit Josh’s sterling website Interestment.

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Things aren’t always black and white, you know. There’s not always one goodie and one baddie in every fight.

Sometimes it’s impossible to side with anyone. Just look at Lily Allen and Susan Boyle. Lily Allen has called Britain’s Got Talent‘s breakout Pillsbury pube monster Susan Boyle ‘overrated’ on Twitter. Which, we have to say, is grounded in truth somewhat. But, you know, Lily Allen said it. Lily Allen.

We’d suggest that Lily and Susan get a room, but we’re scared that the resulting offspring will be a dumpy little half-stoat half-Ewok hybrid covered in nipples. So we won’t.

You want a queen of controversy? Lily Allen’s your girl. There’s literally no subject on the face of the Earth that Lily Allen is afraid to speak out about, provided that the subject is Cheryl Cole and Lily’s got an album out that she wants to promote. Within those hilariously narrow parameters, Lily Allen’s your girl.

But sometimes even Lily Allen likes to branch out and attack a bigger target. By which we mean physically bigger. By which we mean physically hairier. By which we mean Susan Boyle, the shiny-faced reanimated Ida fossil who has captured the world’s heart by being able to sing dreary showtunes adequately while looking a bit funny on Britain’s Got Talent.

You see, while you’ve all fallen in love with Susan Boyle or – if you’re a broadsheet newspaper columnist – made up a lot of patronising horseshit about how the fact that Susan Boyle has got one massive eyebrow and generally looks like someone who touches herself on the bus made you cry because her singing voice didn’t sound like a seagull being rammed into a waste disposal unit, Lily Allen has taken a different standpoint.

In short, Lily Allen thinks that Susan Boyle is rubbish. Sort of. On her Twitter page, Lily Allen wrote:

“Susan Boyle is so overrated. yes, she can sing, but it’s not about talent with her is it? she seems like a lovely lady but if its about talent,that Shaheen kid should win”

Now, we can sort of see Lily Allen’s point – based on everything that’s been said about her, you’d think that Susan Boyle had the ability to heal the sick and end all forms of poverty with every verse of whatever bloody musical it is that she likes so much. But in reality she’s just a dumpy Scottish woman who’s slightly better than that awful topless Tommy Cooper Riverdance kid.

However, we know better than anyone that Susan Boyle fans are so loyal to their hero that they’d probably torch an orphanage if one of the children said anything less than positive about her, so it looks like it’s war. Which side will you be on? The Lily Allen side or the Susan Boyle side?

Us? We’re going to stay indoors until everyone’s killed each other, and then nick their TVs. It seems like the most sensible thing to do.

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10 - Films we didn’t know existed but now really want to see: TipToes – Filmdrunk

9 – Lily Allen in ‘not friends with Vladimir Putin‘ shock – Popsugar

8 - You know Josh Burt our guest-blogger. He makes his own ice cream. Go get him, girls – Interestment

7 - Six famous characters you didn’t know were rip-offs - Cracked.

6 - You know the American Idol house. It’s haunted. It IS – PopEater

5 - A relationship translator – Holytaco

4 – Iron Maiden karaoke. As good as you’d expect – Electricspectre

3 – The girl-faced child from Hanson in ‘makes best summer single of 2009′ shock – Mychemicaltoilet

2 - A heartwarming story of a whistling monkey – Bestweekever

1 – Hah. Americans are funny…

A certain someone might have a new single about to come out, or perhaps they have an album that needs shifting… better yet, perhaps someone is just really rather desperate to get a moment of your attention.

Lily Allen is a star, in fact she is one of the brightest young talents on the UK scene right now.

She has actual talent, not the phony kind that can only be cunningly alluded to via masterful bait and switch. Best of all, when she has a record or show that needs promoting, there is not one iota of personal information too sacred to be scandalised for the sake of PR and column inches.

You can get away with bare-faced murder as a celebrity. Not that we endorse murder for anything other than comedy purposes mind you, but if you were famous we bet you would get away with it.

Rather than do anything so drastic, Lily has began to treat those around her like dirt for her own amusement… because she can.

You would have to be either equally famous or equally adorable to get away with treating your partner half as bad as Lily treats hers.

The singer has revealed that she has discovered a method of clearing the dreaded writer’s block that is equal parts genius and evil, with a dash of “How could she???”

In a new interview with the UK’s Radio Times, Lily says that to create the drama necessary to generate material for songwriting she splits from perfectly good relationships. Yep. If you are dating Lily Allen and the two of you are happy as clams, she’ll dump you just so she has something interesting to write about.

“I’ve actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration. When I hit a period of not being able to write music, I get up and walk away. It’s pretty mean but it’s true.”

If her cheeks were not so flippin’ pinchable, you’d just want to slap her for treating people that way. Seriously, who does that?

Either she really has that much contempt for human life or she has a horribly mediocre single to plug soon that needs the press this quote will get her.

This was a guest blog by the ever-lovely Amy Grindhouse, whose blog you should visit right now.

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This week’s Autobots and Decepticons.

Folded:

• Gentleman Jack (posh Jack Daniels. Wasted on people who drink to get drunk)
• Lily Allen’s Not Fair (video’s great, she looks great)
• How to Lose Friends and Alienate People on DVD (as light as a Quaver, but still 30% funnier than watching nothing at all)
• Money boxes (great for dipping into, especially if they’re not yours)
• Little White Lies (über hip independent movie news)

Creased:

• Death Race on DVD (there’s dumb, there’s retarded and there’s Jason Statham)
• Lily Allen’s Not Fair (sounds like a rubbish version of The Simpsons‘ ‘Cayonero‘)
• Cyclists who don’t use cycle lanes (…deserve to get run over)
• Easter egg mugs (just there to remind you of how fat you are)
• Oil Riggers (from the team that brought you Ice Road Truck…zzzz)