Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.

Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…

Jennifer Lopez

Recently back on the acting circuit having forced some babies out, Lopez has dazzled with her looks for years. Her face is nice, she’s got hair even silkier than a silk worm’s pocket, and she started the taut-stomach-gargantuan-arse trend that has swept the planet. Good for her. She must be married to a male model or George Clooney or something, right? Actually no, you’re way off. Totally ignoring convention, Jennifer Lopez chose to avoid humans altogether, and instead married a talented singing rat, sweetly known as Marc Anthony – not to be confused with the Ancient Roman statesman, who, by the way, was probably quite hot.

Julia Roberts

Hey, that Julia Roberts is one heck of a gal. Anyone who saw her playing the slutty young prostitute who’d do absolutely anything but kiss on the lips probably found out to their detriment that prostitutes do not look like Julia Roberts. And plenty of them do actually kiss on the mouth. Serious Pretty Woman plot-holes aside, in real life, Roberts spent the mid-90s married to a crack-whore-alike called Lyle Lovett. One of the few living humans who would actually come out better in a cartoon caricature, Lovett only managed two years with the actress, before she cited “career demands” as her made-up reason for wanting a divorce.

Christina Aguilera

Some of the notes that Christina Aguilera can hit are fantastic, we especially like it when she’s really working an E sharp, and her lips start quivering while she sings. It was a technique first introduced by Whitney Houston in the 1980s. Unfortunately, the Whitney comparisons end right there, because while Houston snared a hottie like Bobby Brown, Aguilera has veered disturbingly off piste, and is now married to  a mole-faced teenager called Jordan Bratman. At first sight, the celebrity world bit their collective lips, nodded politely and attempted to smile, but when Christina mentioned that the pair like to spend their Sundays naked, small chunks of sick were universally coughed out.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman is a wonderful looking girl, and aspirational – after all, girls, she’s both beautiful, business savvy, and she went to a polytechnic. That’s one hell of a chick. Plus in Closer, which was an appalling film, she buoyed everyone’s spirits by slipping on a pink hair piece and wiggling her bottom. Like these other girls, she should obviously be going out with a real hunk. And yet, she once enjoyed many sweaty evening dripping hot candle wax onto Devendra Banhart’s hungry wolf-like thighs. For those who haven’t a clue who Devendra is, he’s Siavash’s hairier counterpart.

Lily Allen

If it’s true that it’s who you are on the inside that counts, Lily Allen might actually be slightly punching above her weight with her doughy faced boyfriends. But, as it, is, this list is judged on outward beauty alone, which, in this case, makes Lily Allen really quite good looking. Hence, you’d expect her to be dating an equally good looking pillock, like that Kris guy who was on Big Brother, or someone wearing tight jeans pretending to be on heroin. But no, her type appears to be middle-aged chubsters who could probably do a decent impersonation of the fat man taking a cannon ball in the belly. Like the one from the Chemical Brothers, for example.

For more of this gold, visit Josh’s sterling website Interestment.

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Things aren’t always black and white, you know. There’s not always one goodie and one baddie in every fight.

Sometimes it’s impossible to side with anyone. Just look at Lily Allen and Susan Boyle. Lily Allen has called Britain’s Got Talent’s breakout Pillsbury pube monster Susan Boyle ‘overrated’ on Twitter. Which, we have to say, is grounded in truth somewhat. But, you know, Lily Allen said it. Lily Allen.

We’d suggest that Lily and Susan get a room, but we’re scared that the resulting offspring will be a dumpy little half-stoat half-Ewok hybrid covered in nipples. So we won’t.

You want a queen of controversy? Lily Allen’s your girl. There’s literally no subject on the face of the Earth that Lily Allen is afraid to speak out about, provided that the subject is Cheryl Cole and Lily’s got an album out that she wants to promote. Within those hilariously narrow parameters, Lily Allen’s your girl.

But sometimes even Lily Allen likes to branch out and attack a bigger target. By which we mean physically bigger. By which we mean physically hairier. By which we mean Susan Boyle, the shiny-faced reanimated Ida fossil who has captured the world’s heart by being able to sing dreary showtunes adequately while looking a bit funny on Britain’s Got Talent.

You see, while you’ve all fallen in love with Susan Boyle or – if you’re a broadsheet newspaper columnist – made up a lot of patronising horseshit about how the fact that Susan Boyle has got one massive eyebrow and generally looks like someone who touches herself on the bus made you cry because her singing voice didn’t sound like a seagull being rammed into a waste disposal unit, Lily Allen has taken a different standpoint.

In short, Lily Allen thinks that Susan Boyle is rubbish. Sort of. On her Twitter page, Lily Allen wrote:

“Susan Boyle is so overrated. yes, she can sing, but it’s not about talent with her is it? she seems like a lovely lady but if its about talent,that Shaheen kid should win”

Now, we can sort of see Lily Allen’s point – based on everything that’s been said about her, you’d think that Susan Boyle had the ability to heal the sick and end all forms of poverty with every verse of whatever bloody musical it is that she likes so much. But in reality she’s just a dumpy Scottish woman who’s slightly better than that awful topless Tommy Cooper Riverdance kid.

However, we know better than anyone that Susan Boyle fans are so loyal to their hero that they’d probably torch an orphanage if one of the children said anything less than positive about her, so it looks like it’s war. Which side will you be on? The Lily Allen side or the Susan Boyle side?

Us? We’re going to stay indoors until everyone’s killed each other, and then nick their TVs. It seems like the most sensible thing to do.

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9 – Lily Allen in ‘not friends with Vladimir Putin‘ shock – Popsugar

8 - You know Josh Burt our guest-blogger. He makes his own ice cream. Go get him, girls – Interestment

7 - Six famous characters you didn’t know were rip-offs - Cracked.

6 - You know the American Idol house. It’s haunted. It IS – PopEater

5 - A relationship translator – Holytaco

4 – Iron Maiden karaoke. As good as you’d expect – Electricspectre

3 – The girl-faced child from Hanson in ‘makes best summer single of 2009′ shock – Mychemicaltoilet

2 - A heartwarming story of a whistling monkey – Bestweekever

1 – Hah. Americans are funny…

A certain someone might have a new single about to come out, or perhaps they have an album that needs shifting… better yet, perhaps someone is just really rather desperate to get a moment of your attention.

Lily Allen is a star, in fact she is one of the brightest young talents on the UK scene right now.

She has actual talent, not the phony kind that can only be cunningly alluded to via masterful bait and switch. Best of all, when she has a record or show that needs promoting, there is not one iota of personal information too sacred to be scandalised for the sake of PR and column inches.

You can get away with bare-faced murder as a celebrity. Not that we endorse murder for anything other than comedy purposes mind you, but if you were famous we bet you would get away with it.

Rather than do anything so drastic, Lily has began to treat those around her like dirt for her own amusement… because she can.

You would have to be either equally famous or equally adorable to get away with treating your partner half as bad as Lily treats hers.

The singer has revealed that she has discovered a method of clearing the dreaded writer’s block that is equal parts genius and evil, with a dash of “How could she???”

In a new interview with the UK’s Radio Times, Lily says that to create the drama necessary to generate material for songwriting she splits from perfectly good relationships. Yep. If you are dating Lily Allen and the two of you are happy as clams, she’ll dump you just so she has something interesting to write about.

“I’ve actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration. When I hit a period of not being able to write music, I get up and walk away. It’s pretty mean but it’s true.”

If her cheeks were not so flippin’ pinchable, you’d just want to slap her for treating people that way. Seriously, who does that?

Either she really has that much contempt for human life or she has a horribly mediocre single to plug soon that needs the press this quote will get her.

This was a guest blog by the ever-lovely Amy Grindhouse, whose blog you should visit right now.

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This week’s Autobots and Decepticons.

Folded:

• Gentleman Jack (posh Jack Daniels. Wasted on people who drink to get drunk)
• Lily Allen’s Not Fair (video’s great, she looks great)
• How to Lose Friends and Alienate People on DVD (as light as a Quaver, but still 30% funnier than watching nothing at all)
• Money boxes (great for dipping into, especially if they’re not yours)
• Little White Lies (über hip independent movie news)

Creased:

• Death Race on DVD (there’s dumb, there’s retarded and there’s Jason Statham)
• Lily Allen’s Not Fair (sounds like a rubbish version of The Simpsons‘ ‘Cayonero‘)
• Cyclists who don’t use cycle lanes (…deserve to get run over)
• Easter egg mugs (just there to remind you of how fat you are)
• Oil Riggers (from the team that brought you Ice Road Truck…zzzz)

9 - Here’s a list of horribly unfit celebrities – Mensfitness

8 – Want to see a picture of a stranger grabbing at Lily Allen’s genitals? OK – Stainedmat

7 - MSNBC’s weird animal list isn’t doing anything to help our newly-discovered fear of octopuses – MSNBC

6 – Turns out nobody watches Heroes any more – THR

5 - How pretty girls think – Collegehumor

4 – Did anyone else notice that Beyonce’s boob fell out at the Oscars? No? – Videogum

3 - You know that thing that everyone was saying was Atlantis? It wasn’t Atlantis – Google

2 – Gruesome javelin accident - I Am Bored

1 - Without exaggeration, this is the greatest entrance anyone has ever made in the history of mankind – BWE

Accidentally seeing your mum with her saggy tits hanging out when you’ve seen her in the bathroom by mistake doesn’t count. So where do you go from here?

For the braver lad, the internet is a haven for seeing all sorts of ladies prancing around with no clothes on and doing strange things with penis-shaped objects. But seeing a random pair of boobies can get boring after a while. Why can’t famous people get their wobbly bits out? Well fear not everyone, Lily Allen wants to do just that.

You’d think with a bold statement like that, most tabloid newspapers and Nuts magazine would be offering her silly amounts of money. After all, one publication thought it would actually sell more copies by featuring Kerry Katona in supposed sexy poses. Like everything else however, there is one golden rule that Lily wants the photographers, magazine editors and perverts of the world to follow.

Because she’s a girl of some standards and won’t flash her lady bits at the first person to offer £20, any photo shoot would have to be done tastefully. Erm, whilst we’ve sadly never had the opportunity to display our bits to the world, we can’t quite make out the difference between a tasteful and untasteful shoot.

In our eyes, a seedy Mexican photographer would turn up, ask us to take off our clothes and then command us to do star jumps and cartwheels against a backdrop of Westminster Abbey. As long as we’re fed, watered and told that we’ve made the camera orgasm then it’s a good day’s work. Who knows, Playgirl magazine may sell record copies of their bongo magazine.

Perhaps Lily Allen doesn’t see things the same way as us. Maybe she wouldn’t settle for anything less than a plush velvet lined room where border collies fetch in biscuits and diet cokes which are tied to their backs. Or she’ll use a photographer/magazine that’ll pay her for peeling off her clothes.

So what has made Lily want to potentially show us her lady lips and nipples? Is it because there are new records to promote? Of course not, you cynical bastard! She just feels better about herself and wants to show pervy men and overweight women across the world her new trim figure. When travelling around the world on tour, it looks like Lily dined on kebabs and pizza rather than eating healthy stuff like um, celery and raisins.

“I was eating a lot of unhealthy food because it’s difficult to source fresh food when you’re on the road. When I came off the road and was living at home, I was making myself dinner and I’ve never been healthier.”

Ace! What a better way of showing off your new found better then getting stark bollock naked. Because we feel healthy and fit after playing Guitar Hero for twenty hours a day, we’d like to do a co-naked shoot with you.

We’ll hide our modesty behind a carefully placed laptop and you Lily can decorate yourself in your latest album sleeve. Everyone wins! Apart from those who value their eyesight.

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Lily, 23, is currently number one in the UK charts with her single The Fear. The star admitted that she got so drunk at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards that she had to be carried out by two burley helpers.

She was very merry and in all fairness, quite possibly under the influence of the inordinate amount of bubblegum pink hairdye that she had used to transform her look for the evening (which undoubtedly worked its way into her bloodstream and caused undue influence).

The unconventional and outspoken singer revealed that she blacked out after she drank too much and that she was unaware of what had happened the night before.

So intrigued was Lily Allen about her comings and goings that she actually looked herself up on a search engine and tried to find incriminating photos and tales of how on earth she had made it home safely – after winning the Glamour Editor’s Special Award.

Between her infamous MySpace blogs and now an equally ranty Twitter page, one thing that has become clear is that Lily Allen has absolutely no ability to behave like a good little pop tart.

While all of the other genetically engineered strumpets were at the front of their classes, swatting up on their media training, Lily was probably at the back Twittering by text about how fat her teacher was and then gulping sneaky swigs of booze from a flask hidden underneath her jacket.

Those who keep up with Lily’s alcohol-fuelled comings and goings will undoubtedly not raise an eyebrow at this latest revelation. According to reports in The Metro:

She said: “I don’t remember what happened. I woke up the next day and there was a party at my house.” She added: “Mark Ronson, Alan Carr and Jonathan Ross had been there because Alfie [Lily's brother] had brought them back. But I’d passed out in bed and saw my Glamour award on the floor and thought, ‘How did I get home? I Googled myself.”

The cynic within says all these little outbursts are too outlandish and just a little too well-timed to be a coincidence. For example, this latest stunner came the weekend prior to the star’s new album It’s Not Me, It’s You being released.

Well-timed (but misguided) PR exercise or no, Lily has our attention. The only remaining question is can her media-ready soundbites really translate into extra album and ticket sales?

Be nice how you answer that question. Lily is probably Googling this article right now!

This has been a guestblog by the ever-wonderful Amy Grindhouse. Go and visit her now. That’s an order.

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Unlike most of the guff out in chart land Lily Allen has made a simple but catchy pop song. The big bold sounds of tracks like Smile and LDN aren’t present on The Fear. There could have been potential problems here with this toned down return to the music world, but it works and will probably divebomb into the number one spot on Sunday.

Unlike other pop puppets such as Katy Perry and Rihanna, you do get the feeling that Lily is in charge of what she’s doing in terms of her musical career and won’t be exploited by dressing as Bo Peep and herding sheep round a field. We doubt that their management would let them have blog wars with all sorts of people. Go free speech!

Though we do have to be picky and question the lyrics. Opening line “I want to be rich and I want lots of money” is fair enough, as most people desire for one of the two. However, the method of getting fame and money leaves us scratching our heads. Lily says, “I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless, cuz everyone knows that’s how you get famous”.

We all know that she’s never done such a thing and we’ve only seen her boobies when the paparazzi like to harass her. However, we do have to mention that some people get rich and famous through their family connections. Having a semi-famous father in Keith Allen would always help her up the career ladder and mean she wouldn’t be frying up chips at 2am to hungry punters after kicking out time.

Hooray for family connections, it also explains how Jamie Winstone, the daughter of hardnut Ray Winstone gained fame and fortune. Maybe we shouldn’t have said that. Our limbs may be smashed off by the end of the day.

But we do like the song! The video has been carefully planned as her record label appears to be throwing a lot of promotional weight behind her return. Dancing boxes, nice looking cakes and coloured smoke is something that keeps us happy and incorporating all of this in to a video get multiple ticks from us.

It’s a million miles better than the awful single Keane put out a while ago.

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9 - Eight racist words you apparently use every day, you RACIST – Cracked

8 – Lily Allen in a silly hat - Popsugar

7 - Do you want to know who the top 25 American Idol contestants are? YES YOU DO – BuddyTV

6 - Want to make a notepad out of recycled receipts? Really? OK! – Instructables

5 - Human rights for robots? Holy cack – Wired

4 - My, Wesley Snipes DOES look jolly – Best Week Ever

3 - Grand Theft Auto: Tokyo? Really? No, not really. Arses – Techradar

2 - And now, the annual list of worst Oscar winners – Houstonpress

1 - Superuseless Superpowers: one of our new favourite blogs – Superuseless

Being a celebrity rocks because it gives you a higher vantage point over normal people. So what if you won a reality show five years ago, that ounce of fame means you can still be photographed picking up dogmuck five years later and newspapers will brand it as news.

Famous people often branch out from what they’re known for to make us believe they care about other people. This is what Lily Allen and a host of others have done – they’ve all contributed to War Child’s new album.

When news reports aren’t all focused on the weather or how we’ve messeded up the planet we’re told about other equally depressing issues. Not a day goes by without some sort of fear being waved in our faces. Job cuts, war and financial buggery are just a few hot topics for instant depression. And, if you’re a Daily Mail reader, immigrants are solely responsible.

So who’s going to change the world? Will it be our ever reliable government with its shaky prime minister who makes promises that always go tits up? Or will it be that bloke from the rival party? You know the middle-aged man who desperately wants to be hip and trendy like America’s new presidential equivalent Barack Obama?

A person in their field solving a problem? Don’t be daft, we need a celebrity. Quick! Blow the celebrity horn so we can gather a bunch of people together who collectively will be so delusional with fame that they believe that they can solve everything. We’ve already seen Band Aid attempt to solve the crisis in Africa to no effect, so what’s the next on the musical agenda of making a problem go away?

Well we’re having a sing-song for War Child this time it seems. A gang of artists has gotten together to record some songs for a new compilation album. But are the tracks fresh slabs of musical meat for the hungry musical masses to chomp on? No, instead we get treated to some cover versions which don’t particular look like they’re going to do the originals any justice.

There are some songs that should never be messed with because they are ridiculously awesome. Estelle seems a bit blind to this unwritten rule and has chosen Stevie Wonder’s Superstition to try and cover. We haven’t heard the result yet, but we aren’t expected anything that will rewrite musical history.

The album has attracted the attention of some fairly well-known people, but will their time spent recording someone else’s song help the plight of someone in wartorn Iraq? Judge for yourself, as the full list of contributors has just been released. Feast your eyes if you dare:

Beck – Bob Dylan’s Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat
Scissor Sisters – Roxy Music’s Do The Strand
Lily Allen ft Mick Jones – The Clash’s Straight To Hell
Duffy – Wings‘ Live And Let Die
Elbow - U2’s Running To Stand Still
TV On The Radio – David Bowie’s Heroes
Hot Chip – Joy Division’s Transmission
The Kooks – The Kinks‘ Victoria
Estelle – Stevie Wonder’s Superstition
Rufus Wainwright – Brian Wilson’s Wonderful/Song For Children
Peaches – Iggy And The Stooges’ Search And Destroy
The Hold Steady – Bruce Springsteen’s Atlantic City
The Like – Elvis Costello’s You Belong To Me
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – The Ramones‘ Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
Franz Ferdinand – Blondie’s Call Me

At best it looks like a tracklisting that would appear on one of Jo Whiley’s tragic Live Lounge albums. Perhaps instead of telling people what to do, maybe they should venture to these places instead of leaving mouthy rants on their MySpace blog about how much enriched they feel. Then again, we have got a member of the Royal Family actually battling away so we can’t knock him for that. Though the use of supposed racist language doesn’t help him. The silly ginger dressing Nazi.

War Child is nothing short of an amazing charity that raises funds to try and make life better for children who felt the effects of war. But somehow we don’t think that buying this record will cure any problems.

We’re more than happy to actually donate a wedge of cash instead of boosting some tosspot celebrity’s ego by buying into their latest project.

9 - Want to make an exfoliating salt rub? OK! – Instructables

8 - An unashamedly cute video of a girl winding up Kermit The Frog – YouTube

7 – Saturn V in slow motion – Liveleak

6 - True Blood or Twilight? Which fictional vampire would you rather bone? – BuddyTV

5 - Got an iPhone? Then here are some apps that’ll make you look even more like an immense tosspot – Cracked

4 - Microscopic photography of basically all the evil things that live in your hair. Amongst other things – Darkroastedblend

3 - There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how much we want one of these – Lifehacker

2 – No no no no NO maggots no – I Am Bored

1 – More about the new Lily Allen album than you could ever wish to read. No, really. Ever – Popjustice

But the thing that Lily Allen and Elton John share more than anything else is a love of a public scrap. Watch Lily or Elton for long enough and you’ll either see a) an extraordinary temper tantrum or b) nothing at all because Lily Allen’s punched your eyes off.

So it made perfect sense that, at last night’s GQ awards, the hosts were Lily Allen and Elton John. And things were going just peachy, at least until Lily Allen got hammered on free champagne and started effing and jeffing at Elton John, who then appeared to boast about how brilliant he was at drugs. Honestly, those two are just like Richard and Judy, only gayer and with one more nipple than you’d expect.

It goes without saying that no man should ever try and list all the things that Lily Allen and Elton John dislike. This is because they’d end up so depressed that they’d probably murder themselves, and also because there isn’t a single thing in the known universe that either Lily Allen or Elton John actually like.

For instance, Elton John hates religion and Lily Allen hates Lindsay Lohan. Elton John hates scruffiness and Lily Allen hates Cheryl Cole. Elton John hates the internet and Lily Allen hates not punching people in the face. We could go on, but there literally isn’t enough space on the internet to do that.

So, knowing how crotchety and temperamental they are, hiring Lily Allen and Elton John to host last night’s GQ awards seems like an act of pure foolhardiness. Or a transparent publicity stunt to try and get people to care about the GQ awards. One or the other.

And guess what – halfway through the ceremony Lily Allen and Elton John started getting mouthy with each other, until a bear came along and started shitting in the woods and everyone got surprised. Here’s The Sun’s take of the exchange:

Lily: “And now to the most important part of the night,”

Elton: “What? Are you going to have another drink?”

Lily: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!”

Elton: “I could still snort you under the table.”

Lily: “Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Come on, that’s hardly an argument – that’s simply a case of simmering sexual tension and nothing more. Lily Allen and Elton John want each other, plain and simple. You can see it in their eyes. It’s electric.

Although maybe we shouldn’t tell Elton John that Lily Allen isn’t actually a bloke yet. It’d only break his poor heart.

Yeah, that sounds about right. Well now it would seem she’s got herself into MMA – that’s mixed martial arts – with some hardcore street fighting action. Well, hardcore may be a bit far, but Lily Allen did go and try to beat up a random French girl for insulting her.

And we shouldn’t forget that she also managed to swear like a navvie, and she managed to do all of this in front of about 32,000 paparazzi and other press hounds. Not a bad effort, we have to say. But to top off all the topping offs that could be topped off, there’s a video too – and it’s after the jump.

Yes, we thought we’d managed to get rid of her to our good friends in the US, but it would seem we’ve struck out in that respect and Lily remains firmly on British soil.

Exiting Ronnie Scott’s jazz club in London, Lily was apparently abused by a French passer-by, which caused her to react in a way befitting of any Brit taking issue with a Frenchie: through the art of violence.

Unfortunately, the battering took on something of a pathetic form and was easily upstaged by Allen’s hilarious foul mouth, which managed to put even the great swear-machine Brian Blessed to shame.

While it would appear Lily Allen isn’t taking her own advice, at least it looks like she is following through with her attempted crusade to rid the streets of violence. Though we didn’t expect her to get rid of it personally, nor did we expect her to get rid of violence with violence.

But we’re not questioning her logic – we don’t want to be battered, for one.

Rather than natter on any more, why don’t we just let you see for yourselves – here we have Lily Allen, attempting to punch a French girl, failing, swearing a lot and being calmed down by Miquita Oliver who used to be on Popworld.

It really does have it all – tension, violence, beauty, international appeal, a resolution and a lesson at the end of it all: “violence is bad.”

(Alright, so we’ll admit that video’s a bit rubbish, but it’s better than most of the other ones around and we couldn’t embed the one that The Sun has up – but hey, at least you can hear her swearing like a disgruntled navvie, eh?)

These are just some of the lyrics that pop starlet Lily Allen wrote about London town, even though London is a city. But never mind her poor geography knowledge for now; we’ve got bigger problems to concentrate on.

As we’ve all seen in the newspapers, knife crime is currently depressing everyone in the UK and making pensioners believe all the yoof of today will stab them, so thank god that Lily Allen has oddly stepped in to save us all from being stabbed by an eight-year-old for a packet of sherbet. There is a god. And she seems to have three nipples.

Of course, Lily Allen can’t end knife crime on her own. You crazy fool, do you really think she’s going to walk up and down Oxford Street with a banner covering herself saying ‘Put down the knifes or I’ll record another album?’ Don’t be silly – instead she enlisted the help of the newly-elected bumbling mayor Boris Johnson.

She’s now officially been given the title of ‘first lady of cutting edge coolness’. Between them, they plan to combat the alarming rate of stabbings in London. Hopefully, they’ll both realise that there are other towns and cities in England and offer advice to those peasant places, too.

Writing on her blog, Lily initially said the following about the latest epidemic that is only really just being picked up by the media:

“We need a knife amnesty, we should put on a big concert to raise awareness and stop the violence. Boris, if you’re listening, call me man!”

Either very keen to meet her or completely strapped of any ideas of his own, the pair met for a consolation over Coco Pops and Ribena. After finishing the meeting with the singer, Boris Johnson commented:

“I welcome any constructive suggestions on combating knife crime and Lily Allen has already proved her commitment to help address this problem. I welcome her proposals and am keen to explore further how she can help us address this serious and distressing problem.”

We’re unsure if a concert is to be put on, but we do know that violent-sounding bands like 36 Crazy Fists, Death Cab For Cutie and Swedish electro outfit The Knife wouldn’t be invited to play. That would be so like totally ironic!