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Leona Lewis

WEBTHUMP! October 7 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – Want a 14-inch television? Then go and kill 83,000 rats like this man did – Geekologie 9 – Here’s a frankly incredible music festival in London that you should all go to – Freshonthenet 8 – Important boot news – Interestment 7 – Like Doctor Who? Like Doctor Who enough to watch an [...]

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Leona Lewis Interacts With Someone Much Trampier Than Her

by Matthew Laidlow

There are two ways of summing up Leona Lewis. As the majority of people know, she is the only real winner of X Factor who has released a string of hits and hasn’t had to resort to gigging in Butlins. On the other hand, she is devoid of a personality, doesn’t do anything, looks like [...]

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Smell Like Leona Lewis As You Read About Leona Lewis And Sing Along To Leona Lewis

by Matthew Laidlow

Alongside predicting the lottery numbers and what’s in the secret sauce from our local burger van, we do sometimes incorrectly guess things at hecklerspray.

One such prediction made by us would be when the plug would be pulled on X Factor winner Leona Lewis.

We assumed that after 18 months she’d call Kofi Annan a tit, lose all credibility and end up with a job in Runcorn. But apparently not – Brand Leona is still steadily growing. You’ve sung along to a soppy ballad and danced awkwardly to one of her routines, now prepare your nostrils for the Leona Lewis perfume and ghostwritten Leona Lewis book.

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America Quite Likes Leona Lewis’ Soppy Songs

by Matthew Laidlow

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.

And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!

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Leona Lewis Does Quite Well In America

by Stuart Heritage

Top that, crying bad-haired Scottish boy whose name we can’t even remember – Leona Lewis, who won X Factor before you is number one in America.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.

It’s worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she’ll reach the same dizzying heights. That’s right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.

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Leona Lewis Gets Naked For Animal Joy

by Paul Sorrenti

How does PETA do it? It’s seen more A grade celebrity chuff than Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty and John Leslie combined.

The latest to join PETA’s hareem is X Factor’s second-freshest regurgitation Leona Lewis, who is going to take off all her clothes, including her bra and pants – thus rendering her naked – and pose for a photograph in a classy way, like how a lady might, or in other words, pose for a photograph in a way that demands a bit too much magic-eye effort from the masturbator to be regarded as porn. According to The Sun, a source close to Leona said:

“She’s hugely proud to have been asked. She’s a strict vegetarian so it’s a cause close to her heart.”

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Leona Lewis Wins Just About Zero Brit Awards

by Stuart Heritage

The Osbournes hosted the Brit awards last night, so the show promised to be jam-packed with enough controversy to turn your granny blue.

Is that what happened, though? No – thanks to the Brits’ stringent ‘don’t let Ozzy Osbourne say more than three words in a row’ policy, the only vaguely controversial thing the Osbournes brought to the Brit awards was the way that Sharon Osbourne’s face looked as if it had been attacked by jellyfish in her sleep.

Oh, and Leona Lewis didn’t win any of the four Brit awards she was nominated for. That’s sort of controversial, isn’t it? Anyone?

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Take That Get A Bewildering Amount Of Brits Noms

by Stuart Heritage

Take That, the group of four 50-year-old men who get paid to sing the soundtrack to TV ads for low-rent supermarkets – have got a lot of Brit Award nominations.

In fact, all the acts that scooped the most Brit Award nominations are just sugar-free versions of older performers. The three biggest Brit nod-getters were Mika (Freddie Mercury lite), Leona Lewis (Whitney Houston lite) and Take That (Take That lite).

But don’t worry – the Brits also had something for you indie kids too. The Eagles are up for Best International Album. That’s The Eagles.

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Christmas Number One Betting Odds: Leona, Melua, Middleton

by Stuart Heritage

The 2007 Christmas number one is just days away from being revealed, and if the anticipation was any higher then it’d probably blow up and kill the bloody lot of us.

Oh, who are we kidding? The Christmas number one is going to be flipping Leon Jackson from X Factor and his special song about believing in fairies or whatever, and that’s pretty much guaranteed already. But who’ll be the Christmas number one not including that travesty? Now you’re interested, huh? Huh? Oh, please yourselves.

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Malcolm Middleton, Leona Lewis and Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy, with help from Paddy Power…

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Simon Cowell Single-Handedly Destroys Music

by Matthew Laidlow

The UK is a bad place to be living at the moment. Everything is going wrong from the government losing all the country’s information, dodgy political donations and Morrissey blaming everyone but himself for his racial slurs.

At times of crisis hecklerspray turns to music, but this time we can’t. We can’t get away from the X Factor at all. It’s splashed across our TV screens and advertised during ITV’s endless repeats of Midsomer Murders. Amazingly, last year’s X Factor winner Leona Lewis hasn’t faded into oblivion yet. In fact, she’s been plonked on top of the charts for six weeks now, with a song that we think is about about periods. Not only is Bleeding Love the best-selling single of the year, her album is also number one. Time to celebrate? No, we’d rather just crack Simon Cowell one for brainwashing ten-year-olds everywhere into buying songs about irrational female moodswings.

The UK is a bad place to be living at the moment. Everything is going wrong from the government losing all the country's information, dodgy political donations and Morrissey blaming everyone but himself for his racial slurs. At times of crisis hecklerspray turns to music, but this time we can't. We can’t get away from the X Factor at all. It’s splashed across our TV screens and advertised during ITV’s endless repeats of Midsomer Murders. Amazingly, last year's X Factor winner Leona Lewis hasn’t faded into oblivion yet. In fact, she’s been plonked on top of the charts for six weeks now, with a song that we think is about about periods. Not only is Bleeding Love the best-selling single of the year, her album is also number one. Time to celebrate? No, we’d rather just crack Simon Cowell one for brainwashing ten-year-olds everywhere into buying songs about irrational female moodswings.
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