The Osbournes hosted the Brit awards last night, so the show promised to be jam-packed with enough controversy to turn your granny blue.

Is that what happened, though? No - thanks to the Brits' stringent 'don't let Ozzy Osbourne say more than three words in a row' policy, the only vaguely controversial thing the Osbournes brought to the Brit awards was the way that Sharon Osbourne's face looked as if it had been attacked by jellyfish in her sleep.

Oh, and Leona Lewis didn't win any of the four Brit awards she was nominated for. That's sort of controversial, isn't it? Anyone?

Take That, the group of four 50-year-old men who get paid to sing the soundtrack to TV ads for low-rent supermarkets - have got a lot of Brit Award nominations.

In fact, all the acts that scooped the most Brit Award nominations are just sugar-free versions of older performers. The three biggest Brit nod-getters were Mika (Freddie Mercury lite), Leona Lewis (Whitney Houston lite) and Take That (Take That lite).

But don't worry - the Brits also had something for you indie kids too. The Eagles are up for Best International Album. That's The Eagles.

The 2007 Christmas number one is just days away from being revealed, and if the anticipation was any higher then it'd probably blow up and kill the bloody lot of us.

Oh, who are we kidding? The Christmas number one is going to be flipping Leon Jackson from X Factor and his special song about believing in fairies or whatever, and that's pretty much guaranteed already. But who'll be the Christmas number one not including that travesty? Now you're interested, huh? Huh? Oh, please yourselves.

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Malcolm Middleton, Leona Lewis and Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy, with help from Paddy Power...

The UK is a bad place to be living at the moment. Everything is going wrong from the government losing all the country's information, dodgy political donations and Morrissey getting caught up in a scrap about immigration.

At times of crisis hecklerspray turns to music, but this time we can't. We can’t get away from the X Factor at all. It’s splashed across our TV screens and advertised during ITV’s endless repeats of Midsomer Murders. Amazingly, last year's X Factor winner Leona Lewis hasn’t faded into oblivion yet. In fact, she’s been plonked on top of the charts for six weeks now, with a song that we think is about about periods. Not only is Bleeding Love the best-selling single of the year, her album is also number one. Time to celebrate? No, we’d rather just crack Simon Cowell one for brainwashing ten-year-olds everywhere into buying songs about irrational female moodswings.