Alongside predicting the lottery numbers and what’s in the secret sauce from our local burger van, we do sometimes incorrectly guess things at hecklerspray.

One such prediction made by us would be when the plug would be pulled on X Factor winner Leona Lewis.

We assumed that after 18 months she’d call Kofi Annan a tit, lose all credibility and end up with a job in Runcorn. But apparently not – Brand Leona is still steadily growing. You’ve sung along to a soppy ballad and danced awkwardly to one of her routines, now prepare your nostrils for the Leona Lewis perfume and ghostwritten Leona Lewis book.

So what would an autobiography from Leona Lewis be like? From what we’ve gathered, her clean-cut media image may not make for interesting reading. Instead of discovering her once-crazy antics at house parties where she necked four pills and drank nothing but Special Brew, we expect something much duller. Something like this is more likely to be in her book in the form of diary entries.

Friday 16th March 2001

Instead of rescuing crushed hedgehogs and injured pigeons by the side of the motorway, me and my best mate Becca did something a bit more adventurous tonight. Emma the lezza at school said that if you shout ‘awoooooooga’ four times in a mirror whilst holding a glass of water, it’ll turn in to fizzy pop. Goodness, we did have a giggle.

Wednesday 20th December 2006

I still can’t believe I’ve won the X Factor singing competition. Gumdrops, it’s amazing to think I could be the next Michelle McManus! That nice man Simon Cowell said he’ll support me along the way and make sure he makes me a millionaire after he’s subtracted his 90% finder’s fee.

Monday 12th May 2008

I’m sick of people saying I look like a horse. Surely that’s Sarah Jessica Parker there talking about?

We can only wait with anticipation, we guess. As with most autobiographies penned by stupidly young people, we’re sure we’ll find out how fame has changed her rubbish ghetto family life to a more upbeat happier one.

So whilst we read her book on the train to work, we can whore out Leona even further by getting our fellow commuters to take a whiff of her self-titled debut fragrance. We can’t take an educated guess at the smell like we did with her book content, but here are a few potshots:

1 - Water – it’s dull and lifeless, like Leona Lewis

2 - Fruit – she hates meat, so you’ll essentially be spraying a fruit smoothie all over you.

3 – Bleeding love – though no-one probably wants smell like a woman’s period.

These money-grabbing ventures do seem a bit odd according to The Sun as in an old interview, it claims that Leona said the following a year ago:

“I’m totally focused on my music for now. My clothing line won’t be coming out just yet — or any perfume line.”

The chance to dress like her too! Wow, it really doesn’t get any better than this. Any fanatical stalkers out there are now 64% of the way to becoming a Leona Lewis clone. All that’s left to do now is to don a horse mask and prance around a room, eating hay and drinking from a trough.

Saying that, we’d rather have a Leona Lewis clone then a Kerry Katona a one. At least Leona Lewis isn’t as annoying and pointless.

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