The latest to join PETA’s hareem is X Factor’s second-freshest regurgitation Leona Lewis, who is going to take off all her clothes, including her bra and pants – thus rendering her naked – and pose for a photograph in a classy way, like how a lady might, or in other words, pose for a photograph in a way that demands a bit too much magic-eye effort from the masturbator to be regarded as porn. According to The Sun, a source close to Leona said:
“She’s hugely proud to have been asked. She’s a strict vegetarian so it’s a cause close to her heart.”
The list of girls who have posed for PETA’s 'I’d rather go naked than wear fur' campaign is a bona fide success story for boners; Eva Mendes, Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano, all of them naked as the day they were born, only more fully formed and adult-like; it’s an image so mind-swimmingly distracting that you can almost forget how forgettable these people’s careers have been – almost – whilst trying not to jettison on to the half gorged panda burger sitting beside your laptop.
Agreeing to work in conjunction with PETA comes with some baggage though, because you also have to work with in conjunction with PETA founder, Ingrid Newkirk, who says things like:
“When it comes to pain, love, joy, loneliness, and fear, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. Each one values his or her life and fights the knife.”
A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. And it all becomes clear that PETA, which undeniably makes some interesting points that we’d all do well to analyse are, in the end, are not necessarily in the best interests of humankind. Unless you think humans would benefit by allowing rats the same freedoms that we allow ourselves, like jury-duty and garbage collection, for example.
Also, If any of you beautiful hecklerspray readership are wondering – and you probably are – as you’re by now totally bored of guessing if today’s Britney news will be ‘vagina, wig or kids?’, if you guys were wondering; ‘why don’t dogs get the vote?’ well, you are in luck, because PETA has put forward the following theory, which can be found on its website:
‘Animals don’t always have the same rights as humans because their interests are not always the same as ours, and some rights would be irrelevant to animals. For instance, a dog doesn’t have an interest in voting and, therefore, doesn’t have the right to vote because that right would be as meaningless to a dog as it is to a child’
That’s why they don’t vote, because they’re not interested. It would be irrelevant, guys! It is one thing we’ll always have on them though. As they’re barking for better kennels, we can smile politely in public whilst screwing them over in the polling booths, just like women and black men before them. The white man always wins! Sorry, ignore that.
Ok PETA, listen up, because here is what you really need to do, alright? Instead of getting these young females to, one by one, strip off for a picture that’ll do nothing more than raise a few phallus’ and a tiny bit of awareness, which at most will achieve a few thousand more hits for your website, you need to do this:
Focus your attention on one sector of your hate, for example, Tesco and its involvement in battery farming. Round up all these girls together, Leona, Eva, the Christinas and the rest, and march them up to Tesco HQ to speak to Lord Dick King Tesco, or whatever his name is, and say “Look, Mr Tesco, if you promise to stop battery farming hens, we will all make love to you and each other now”. That would be it! Job done. Move on to Sainsburys.
So you can do that, or just keep on giving these girls photo ops to help further stretch their elastic careers, whilst Leona Lewis and the battery chickens just ‘Keep keep bleedin, Keep keep bleedin’ a darkness into our eternal soul.
You have been warned.