If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.
And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!
You have to hand it to Simon Cowell. He may be the smuggest twat in the world and a crap spokesman for the RSPCA, but he knows how to milk something until it’s dry. So far he’s doing extremely well at doing this with Leona Lewis. The high-trousered judge told The Press Association:
“What Leona has achieved is simply incredible. This is the hardest market to crack and for her debut album to go in at Number One is unbelievable.”
Yup, that’s true. America is pretty hard to crack. Unless you’re a country & western singer, rapper, hip-hop artist or a whiny R&B bod, you don’t have a chance in hell in denting the American chart. And you won’t get a chance to meet Oprah. That itself is an honour; to make music for women to badly dance to. Or, in Leona’s case, sing on a song that you didn’t write, produce or play any instruments on.
But where so many have failed such as Robbie Williams and Jay-Z hating Oasis, there has been a reason for this. You see, Simon Cowell is like the wicked witch of the music world. He casts evil spells that result in bland and unimaginative music. One of the people he shitted out was Leona Lewis. It also helps a fair bit that people will buy anything he’s connected to. Consequently, this means big sales:
“Spirit has sold 204,841 copies this week in the US. Her nearest rival in the Billboard Top 200, the album Troubadour by George Strait, has sold 59,000 copies.”
This comes before her appearance on American Idol which will only have thirty million Americans watching. Of course her singing on the show has nothing to do with the fact that Cowell is a judge on the US version. No, we’re being way too cynical here.
So far, the crater-faced crying Scottish boy who won X Factor in 2007 hasn’t hurt our ears yet with more mass-produced bollocks. But if Cowell is able to turn Leona Lewis – a brilliant karaoke singer, into a household American name, then God knows what will happen. The thought of him shedding his tears in other countries can only depress the people living there. And we want to spread joy, not blubbering and depression.
Still we can’t grumble too much – whilst America laps up Leona, she’s consequently missing from UK radio and TV stations. Something we can safely say is much more important then a credit crunch or global warming.
Read more:
fsdfasd says
Oh please shut up, Leona DID write songs on her album and incase you didn’t realise, her album is currently Number 3 in the UK and she hasn’t been here in weeks now shut the fuck up bitching and whinging and go and listen to Kate Gash and the Arctic Fuckwits.
gir says
“Leona DID write songs on her album”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
FM says
Leona’s style and talent (or lack of as you claim) may not be to your taste, but the millions of singles/albums she managed to shift in such a short period of times means that she is to the taste of millions of people out there. At least she has a talent unlike you writing such trashy and low so called “critique” on the songstress; no wonder your surname is Laid-fucking-LOW
As for her not writing her own material, that clearly doesn’t affect people’s decision to purchase her music; she is still talented and people, unlike you, want to hear her sing not see her write music.
And you even seem to portray the fact she has a powerful marketing engine behind her as a bad thing. It is a great thing! And no matter how many millions of dollars have been poured in marketing her music, people will never buy it if they didn’t like it, so stop disrespecting people’s taste even if they were just “grannies, young children and people in comas” (I am none of those) and try and get a different job…oh sorry, you can’t, you have no skills…just sit at home and bitch instead
euclid says
FM, you are an unadulterated shithead.
Here’s a shiny new idea for you: the tyranny of the majority.
In short this translates to my having to live with your bad
taste in music shoved in my head every time I stop to buy groceries.
You and the 100 million cow-people behind you can
violate my mind with your crappy, homogenous, soul-defeating
vapidity, but don’t expect me to cheer you on.
gir says
You hear that Matthew? YOU WERE DOOMED FROM YOUR VERY BIRTH. The name of your father has damned you to this hell of writing satirical articles about stupid music for stupid people.
I pity you.
Matthew Laidlow says
Uh-oh, maybe I should change my name to Pete Winehouse to try and make myself “hip”. Do people still use that word?
RODDEO says
Mat u’re an idiot!!!!!!! U’re a jealous indie band lovin dickhead!!! Stop hatin on people with real talent!!! Crawl back under whatever rock you came from!!!!
Gilbert Wham says
Osteopaths.
gir says
I’ve got 10 that says RODDEO is serious. Any takers?
euclid says
At first I thought it said ‘Mature an idiot’
which is a rather strange imperative.
*sigh* This is depressing.
No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to match
the real thing. I can get the tone alright, but just
take a moment to pause and admire the handiwork.
And all without a single ‘g’ in it. Hat’s off roddeo.
Sorry, gir, no takers here.
flierpa says
i don’t know. the excessive use of exclamation marks seems too symmetric.
munch says
Ah euclid, just keep practisin’ and you’ll get it one day.
An overdose of exclamation marks and bothering to add in apostrophes into misspelt words should do the trick.
ha. Matthew Laid-fucking-LOW eh? People are reaching dizzying new heights in terms of insults. And there I was thinking ‘Shit Heritage’ was funny. Yes, yes I’m still going on about that…
Stuart Heritage says
You deserve to still be going on about that too, Munch. Keep it up for another week and I’m changing it to Shit Heritage by deed poll.
David Bryden says
Do the authors know the meaning of the word ‘subsequently ‘?
euclid says
Hi Dave! The authors are singular
and listed at the top of the page.
Confusing, I know. Do you know
the meaning of the words
‘condescending semi-literate fuckbrain’?
I invoke the term subsequent to your post and
as a direct consequence thereof. Pause, ponder, post.
ok!…peace!
IronEddie says
The American music charts(and awards) are always saturated with shit music cuz we all know they are the *dumbest, most tasteless nation* on earth.
They love spending money on any sort of shit-quality music. Simple as that. Now give em a talented guy and he wouldnt even crack the top 200. LOL
Tia says
At least this site speaks the truth and isn’t brainwashed my corporate bullshit
kingofnyct says
This is American Media brainwashing at its finest! Come up with a show. Forcefeed millions of people every night. Let them vote so they “think” they are involved. Repetiton is the key to emotional attachment. So millions watch their “favorite” contestant every night until they grow attached. Then once a winner is picked (or not), pick some rejected “B quality” track from a famous producer and give it to the winner, package them and sell them to the millions who already are attached to them. Or hire some producers to crap out some quick sloppy work and pay them handsomely. Then notice how the producers save their “A” quality material for the REAL record label artists. The songs are good enough to have a few catchy phrases but are mostly inferior or subpar, bland, generic, and awkward. But hey the pay is great for Clive and Stargate. Then try badmouthing the Leona Lewis’ of the world over their marginal talent and lack of any musical IQ or artistry, and meet a wall of resistance of people who defend the winner who they have grown “emotionally attached” to but it wont work. Saturate the radio with this stuff night and day and people have no good music to compare it to and will continue to not recognize how bad the music is, then continue to buy it. UNREAL!