America Quite Likes Leona Lewis’ Soppy Songs
April 17th, 2008 at 13:00 by Matthew Laidlow
If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.
And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!
You have to hand it to Simon Cowell. He may be the smuggest twat in the world and a crap spokesman for the RSPCA, but he knows how to milk something until it’s dry. So far he’s doing extremely well at doing this with Leona Lewis. The high-trousered judge told The Press Association:
“What Leona has achieved is simply incredible. This is the hardest market to crack and for her debut album to go in at Number One is unbelievable.”
Yup, that’s true. America is pretty hard to crack. Unless you’re a country & western singer, rapper, hip-hop artist or a whiny R&B bod, you don’t have a chance in hell in denting the American chart. And you won’t get a chance to meet Oprah. That itself is an honour; to make music for women to badly dance to. Or, in Leona’s case, sing on a song that you didn’t write, produce or play any instruments on.
But where so many have failed such as Robbie Williams and Jay-Z hating Oasis, there has been a reason for this. You see, Simon Cowell is like the wicked witch of the music world. He casts evil spells that result in bland and unimaginative music. One of the people he shitted out was Leona Lewis. It also helps a fair bit that people will buy anything he’s connected to. Consequently, this means big sales:
“Spirit has sold 204,841 copies this week in the US. Her nearest rival in the Billboard Top 200, the album Troubadour by George Strait, has sold 59,000 copies.”
This comes before her appearance on American Idol which will only have thirty million Americans watching. Of course her singing on the show has nothing to do with the fact that Cowell is a judge on the US version. No, we’re being way too cynical here.
So far, the crater-faced crying Scottish boy who won X Factor in 2007 hasn’t hurt our ears yet with more mass-produced bollocks. But if Cowell is able to turn Leona Lewis - a brilliant karaoke singer, into a household American name, then God knows what will happen. The thought of him shedding his tears in other countries can only depress the people living there. And we want to spread joy, not blubbering and depression.
Still we can’t grumble too much - whilst America laps up Leona, she’s consequently missing from UK radio and TV stations. Something we can safely say is much more important then a credit crunch or global warming.
Read more:
Leona makes US album chart history - PA
Related and recent:
- X Factor Betting Odds - More Leona Lewis
- X Factor Betting Odds - Leona Lewis To Win?
- Leona Lewis Does Quite Well In America
- X Factor Betting Odds - Leona Lewis To Win On Saturday?
- X Factor Betting Odds: Ben Mills & Leona Lewis
- X Factor Betting Odds: Leona Lewis To Win (Again)
- X Factor Betting Odds: Leona Lewis & Ben Mills
- X Factor Betting Odds - It’s Leona Lewis & Ben Mills
April 17th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Oh please shut up, Leona DID write songs on her album and incase you didn’t realise, her album is currently Number 3 in the UK and she hasn’t been here in weeks now shut the fuck up bitching and whinging and go and listen to Kate Gash and the Arctic Fuckwits.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
“Leona DID write songs on her album”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
April 17th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Leona’s style and talent (or lack of as you claim) may not be to your taste, but the millions of singles/albums she managed to shift in such a short period of times means that she is to the taste of millions of people out there. At least she has a talent unlike you writing such trashy and low so called “critique” on the songstress; no wonder your surname is Laid-fucking-LOW
As for her not writing her own material, that clearly doesn’t affect people’s decision to purchase her music; she is still talented and people, unlike you, want to hear her sing not see her write music.
And you even seem to portray the fact she has a powerful marketing engine behind her as a bad thing. It is a great thing! And no matter how many millions of dollars have been poured in marketing her music, people will never buy it if they didn’t like it, so stop disrespecting people’s taste even if they were just “grannies, young children and people in comas” (I am none of those) and try and get a different job…oh sorry, you can’t, you have no skills…just sit at home and bitch instead
April 17th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
FM, you are an unadulterated shithead.
Here’s a shiny new idea for you: the tyranny of the majority.
In short this translates to my having to live with your bad
taste in music shoved in my head every time I stop to buy groceries.
You and the 100 million cow-people behind you can
violate my mind with your crappy, homogenous, soul-defeating
vapidity, but don’t expect me to cheer you on.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
You hear that Matthew? YOU WERE DOOMED FROM YOUR VERY BIRTH. The name of your father has damned you to this hell of writing satirical articles about stupid music for stupid people.
I pity you.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Uh-oh, maybe I should change my name to Pete Winehouse to try and make myself “hip”. Do people still use that word?
April 17th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Mat u’re an idiot!!!!!!! U’re a jealous indie band lovin dickhead!!! Stop hatin on people with real talent!!! Crawl back under whatever rock you came from!!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Osteopaths.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I’ve got 10 that says RODDEO is serious. Any takers?
April 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
At first I thought it said ‘Mature an idiot’
which is a rather strange imperative.
*sigh* This is depressing.
No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to match
the real thing. I can get the tone alright, but just
take a moment to pause and admire the handiwork.
And all without a single ‘g’ in it. Hat’s off roddeo.
Sorry, gir, no takers here.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
i don’t know. the excessive use of exclamation marks seems too symmetric.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Ah euclid, just keep practisin’ and you’ll get it one day.
An overdose of exclamation marks and bothering to add in apostrophes into misspelt words should do the trick.
ha. Matthew Laid-fucking-LOW eh? People are reaching dizzying new heights in terms of insults. And there I was thinking ‘Shit Heritage’ was funny. Yes, yes I’m still going on about that…
April 18th, 2008 at 7:44 am
You deserve to still be going on about that too, Munch. Keep it up for another week and I’m changing it to Shit Heritage by deed poll.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Do the authors know the meaning of the word ’subsequently ‘?
April 18th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hi Dave! The authors are singular
and listed at the top of the page.
Confusing, I know. Do you know
the meaning of the words
‘condescending semi-literate fuckbrain’?
I invoke the term subsequent to your post and
as a direct consequence thereof. Pause, ponder, post.
ok!…peace!
April 18th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
The American music charts(and awards) are always saturated with shit music cuz we all know they are the *dumbest, most tasteless nation* on earth.
They love spending money on any sort of shit-quality music. Simple as that. Now give em a talented guy and he wouldnt even crack the top 200. LOL
April 19th, 2008 at 12:36 am
At least this site speaks the truth and isn’t brainwashed my corporate bullshit